I am new and would just like to say Hi!

[janetlynn]

Hi all,

I have finally found the courage to say a few words...well...type them anyway!
This past few weeks has found me visiting this forum more and more. I`ve cried with you and laughed with you. There are some wonderful people here!

I`ll try to keep my first post short!
My mother in law has dementia and lives with us. She is 89 years old and we think she is in the last stage. She has given up on eating and is surviving on fluids ( ensures ), and is steadily losing weight. She is doubly incontinent. She has no idea who I am, even though I have been in her life for over 30 years. I just tell her I am her carer and there to look after her and she seems pleased with that. She does know who my husband is though and that`s good.

This is not the first time for us, as both my parents suffered from dementia and lived with us for a few years as they needed looking after. Sadly, they are no longer with us. This cruel illness affected them differently. Dad, who was a very placid, kind, gentle man, became a completely different person. He ended up being aggressive. Mum, who suffered from depression, became paranoid that people were plotting against her and trying to poison her.

We are taking one day at a time, and every day there is a different challenge. It never ceases to amaze me at how resilient dementia sufferers are. We thought we were going to lose her a few days ago as she slept for hours and hours and was so weak and lethargic. Then suddenly she is up and about and quite bright.

Well that`s enough from me. Sorry I didn`t mean to go on for so long!
Thanks for listening or should I say reading!

Warmest regards,
Janet.

 

[Big Effort]

Hallo Janet and welcome to the forum.
Three dementia parents under your belt, you must be a total angel. I would think you have enough experience under the belt to advise the rest of us! Passive dad turns aggressive, depressed Mum turns paranoid, and now another to care for.
Sometimes I wonder if there could be any angels in other realms. Looking at this forum, most of them seem to be caring for relatives with dementia.
Anyway, glad you are here. Hope you get as much out of it as I do.
Keep posting, BE

 

[creativesarah]

welcome
you will find lots of support here

Sarah

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Janet and welcome to Talking Point (TP).

You have obviously had your share of dementia caring and I admire you for sounding so bright and cheerful about it. I am sure you will be able to share your experiences with others here. Also I hope you will find support as and when you need it.

I am pleased you have introduced yourself and I look forward to seeing you around the Forum again.
Best wishes

 

[jaymor]

Hi Janet and welcome,

So sorry you have really been dealt the short straw when it come to dementia and caring. It is amazing how strong dementia carers are, we really are a special breed. Please keep posting, you must have lots of advice to give and here you can vent your anger. We don't condemn, we don't judge, we understand becaue we have all at some time felt the same. Look forward from hearing from you,

Jay

 

[jan1962]

Hi Janet and welcome to TP.

you sound as if you know what you are doing, keep up the good work. if you ever need to let off steam come to TP and rant away there will always someone here to offer support or advice.

pleased that you have joined our merry band, keep posting and joining in.

jan1962

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Janet

I take my hat off to you taking full responsibility for care of your parents and now your mother in law.

My parents both had dementia 20 years apart. I had little to do with my father`s care, he was in his early 50`s , I worked full time and my mother cared for him.

I took responsibility for my mother`s dementia, although she didn`t live with me. When she died, it gradually dawned on us my husband had Alzheimer`s .

It`s a very long , tiring and emotional journey and Talking Point has helped so many of us to feel part of a community , when the community in the real world rejects us.

Welcome.

 

[Saffie]

Good morning Janet and yet another welcome to TP. I doubt that you will learn much from us as you seem to have had so much experience with dementia that you could teach us all things I'm sure. However, you will find masses of support here, I would have found my path over the past eightenn months or so very much harder to bear without TP here to help and sustain me. Keep coming here at dark times and TP will be here for you.

 

[Izzy]

Good morning Janet. I just want to endorse what everyone else has said. Welcome to you and you are doing an amazing job. Keep visiting TP You will get loads of support here.

 

[chris53]

Good Morning Janet, welcome from me also, so glad you have found us,support is here whenever you need it on this long journey.
best wishes
Chris x

 

[janetlynn]

Thank you so much for all your kind and supportive replies.
My heart goes out to you all .After that wonderful warm welcome, I feel part of a group already and not as alone and isolated.

Thanks again.
Janet.

 

[Loopiloo]

Hello Janet, and welcome. Glad you have written and no need whatsoever to say "sorry".

What a journey you have had, and are still having; your late parents and now your mother-in-law having dementia and you caring for them.

Granny G:

It`s a very long , tiring and emotional journey and Talking Point has helped so many of us to feel part of a community , when the community in the real world rejects us.

How true....

I can only echo what others have said. This is a wonderful community and being part of it will help the feelings of being alone and isolated which many of us have experienced. I was a lost soul before I found TP, and that was like coming out of a very dark and lonely place into the light.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Loo xx

 

[anne-marie]

also new

I am also new to this site (only tried it tonight) it is a terrible illness which I think people are terrified of and that leaves us carers preety much alone to deal with it. I feel that my family has deserted me to cope with my mum - she is 86 and recently diagnosed. I feel that I can cope with the illness but not with the desertion and neglect of my sisters, which is terribly hurtful. I bounce between angry, frustrated, tearful and guilty and feel sometimes what did I do to deserve this. However, in the end i feel that my sisters are missing out as in her brighter moments she is just Mum and they are missing out on this.

Hi all,

I have finally found the courage to say a few words...well...type them anyway!
This past few weeks has found me visiting this forum more and more. I`ve cried with you and laughed with you. There are some wonderful people here!

I`ll try to keep my first post short!
My mother in law has dementia and lives with us. She is 89 years old and we think she is in the last stage. She has given up on eating and is surviving on fluids ( ensures ), and is steadily losing weight. She is doubly incontinent. She has no idea who I am, even though I have been in her life for over 30 years. I just tell her I am her carer and there to look after her and she seems pleased with that. She does know who my husband is though and that`s good.

This is not the first time for us, as both my parents suffered from dementia and lived with us for a few years as they needed looking after. Sadly, they are no longer with us. This cruel illness affected them differently. Dad, who was a very placid, kind, gentle man, became a completely different person. He ended up being aggressive. Mum, who suffered from depression, became paranoid that people were plotting against her and trying to poison her.

We are taking one day at a time, and every day there is a different challenge. It never ceases to amaze me at how resilient dementia sufferers are. We thought we were going to lose her a few days ago as she slept for hours and hours and was so weak and lethargic. Then suddenly she is up and about and quite bright.

Well that`s enough from me. Sorry I didn`t mean to go on for so long!
Thanks for listening or should I say reading!

Warmest regards,
Janet.

 

[Anongirl]

Welcome Janet! One thing this forum has taught me in the last 10 days since I joined is that we are not alone on going through this and that there are some amazing, resilient people out there x

 

[janetlynn]

Thank you so much for your replies and kind words. You are truly amazing people!

Janet.

 

[wonderlander]

What a Wonderful Person

Hi all,

I have finally found the courage to say a few words...well...type them anyway!
This past few weeks has found me visiting this forum more and more. I`ve cried with you and laughed with you. There are some wonderful people here!

I`ll try to keep my first post short!
My mother in law has dementia and lives with us. She is 89 years old and we think she is in the last stage. She has given up on eating and is surviving on fluids ( ensures ), and is steadily losing weight. She is doubly incontinent. She has no idea who I am, even though I have been in her life for over 30 years. I just tell her I am her carer and there to look after her and she seems pleased with that. She does know who my husband is though and that`s good.

This is not the first time for us, as both my parents suffered from dementia and lived with us for a few years as they needed looking after. Sadly, they are no longer with us. This cruel illness affected them differently. Dad, who was a very placid, kind, gentle man, became a completely different person. He ended up being aggressive. Mum, who suffered from depression, became paranoid that people were plotting against her and trying to poison her.

We are taking one day at a time, and every day there is a different challenge. It never ceases to amaze me at how resilient dementia sufferers are. We thought we were going to lose her a few days ago as she slept for hours and hours and was so weak and lethargic. Then suddenly she is up and about and quite bright.

Well that`s enough from me. Sorry I didn`t mean to go on for so long!
Thanks for listening or should I say reading!

Warmest regards,
Janet.

Hello JanetLynn

Just like to register my admiration for you and people like you.- Both parents and a mother in law! How did you cope with your fathers aggression? I seem better with practical things, but verbal abuse and childish erratic behaviour from my mother I find the hardest to deal with and this is still in the earlier stage of her Alzeimers. Did the aggession abate or get much worse as the disease progressed and did any drugs help with this aspect?

 

[kingmidas1962]

better late than never!

just picked this up - I wanted to add my 'hello' to everyone else's, and say what an amazing job you have done/are doing. If you find this forum even half as useful as I have it will be an incredible place of support and information for you.

I'm slightly in awe of how you have dealt with everything life has thrown at you!

 

[janetlynn]

I am also new to this site (only tried it tonight) it is a terrible illness which I think people are terrified of and that leaves us carers preety much alone to deal with it. I feel that my family has deserted me to cope with my mum - she is 86 and recently diagnosed. I feel that I can cope with the illness but not with the desertion and neglect of my sisters, which is terribly hurtful. I bounce between angry, frustrated, tearful and guilty and feel sometimes what did I do to deserve this. However, in the end i feel that my sisters are missing out as in her brighter moments she is just Mum and they are missing out on this.

Hi Anne Marie

I`m sorry that your siblings are not there for you. To help you to come to terms with this please try to look at it another way. They are `deserting` your mum, not you. They are probably feeling very guilty about this and may reduce contact with you as this reminds them of their failure to support mum. I`m not making excuses for them and I know how you feel.

My dad had a stroke, when he was about 80 years old, which caused dementia, and my mum, who as long as I can remember, suffered from depression,could not look after dad so they both came to live with my husband and me. My brother did not offer support, he could not cope with it all, and after a few months moved away from the area ( over 250 miles away ). He very rarely visited them, perhaps once every 3 or 4 years! One of the hardest things I found, was when mum or dad asked about him and asked when he would be coming to see them.He was married with two children, so they missed their grandchildren growing up! Dad lived with us for about 5 years, until I had to make the painful decision to have him live in a care home. He had always been a gentle, kind, placid man ( he put up with mum`s mood swings for 50 years! ) but the dementia changed him and he became aggressive. My husband worked long hours and I worked part time so I couldn`t leave mum on her own to cope with dad. Not long after he died, mum started suffering from vascular dementia after having mini strokes. After a few years of deteriation, it got to the stage where I couldn`t leave her on her own, and had to arrange for her to live in a care home. She died about 2 and a half years ago. My brother died suddenly ( heart failure ) 5 years ago. His daughter told me that he felt guilty at walking away from his parents and me and that he had told her many times. I don`t know how this made me feel. In a way I am comforted that he did feel some regrets, as it told me that he did love us, but I feel sad that he had to cut us out of his life and that he had to live with this on his conscience.

My husband`s mum came to live with us about 18 months ago, as she has dementia! My husband, who is 65 on Friday, was near retirement age, so gave up work to look after her as she could`nt be left on her own. I`m sill working part time, so between us we look after her.
I am so sorry to go on so long. Where did all that come from!!!!
Try not to feel angry about your siblings. What they are doing is wrong and hurtful, but try not to let it eat away at you, it will make you ill. You need to take care of yourself.

Warmest regards,
Janet.

 

[janetlynn]

Hello JanetLynn

Just like to register my admiration for you and people like you.- Both parents and a mother in law! How did you cope with your fathers aggression? I seem better with practical things, but verbal abuse and childish erratic behaviour from my mother I find the hardest to deal with and this is still in the earlier stage of her Alzeimers. Did the aggession abate or get much worse as the disease progressed and did any drugs help with this aspect?

Hi Wonderlander,

Thank you for your kind words.
It seems to vary with each person. Dad became a completely different person. It was heartbreaking to see this once loving,caring dad turn into someone else. I just had to walk away from him and leave him to calm down, but it left me shaking and in tears. He eventually ended up in hospital where they had to drug him. He laid on a mattress on the floor, so he couldn`t fall out of bed ( he would climb over the rails ) Then he was transferred to a nursing home and with the help of drugs,the staff did all they could to keep him calm.
From experience, with mum, dad and mil, this phase is exactly that, a phase, and it does pass. Although it can appear again occasionally, but not on the same scale or for long.
Is your mum in the early stages?
I found that I had to swap roles with my mum, I became her mum. That way, you don`t have the hurt of your mum treating you badly, but are dealing with a teenage daughter with hormones and tantrums!!!

Take care,
Janet.

 

[janetlynn]

just picked this up - I wanted to add my 'hello' to everyone else's, and say what an amazing job you have done/are doing. If you find this forum even half as useful as I have it will be an incredible place of support and information for you.

I'm slightly in awe of how you have dealt with everything life has thrown at you!

Hi there,

Bless you! Thanks for your kind words.

I agree with you about the forum. It is not an easy life when you have or have had loved ones with dementia, and the people on this website are wonderful. They have helped me through my darkest hours this last few weeks. I don`t feel alone any more.
Don`t know about me coping with everything life has thrown at me.....I`ve gone grey overnight!!!!!!!!

Take care,
Janet.