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I am mad.

SorchaC

Registered User
May 3, 2021
20
0
It has been 11 days since my mother had any food or water. Hospice said yesterday she was actively dying.

Why does it feel like she has been dying for months? We are lucky, she and I, in some ways. It has been exactly 2 years since the diagnosis of dementia.

But I am still mad. I am mad that her body does not seem to be giving up. I am mad at her for holding on and making me watch.

My father died 5 years ago and his death was peaceful. I was there on the last day. There was none of this waiting for the last breath so it could finally be over.

I love my mother fiercely and have mourned her loss for the last 2 years. I am sure I will grieve when she dies but right now I am mad.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,092
0
Kent
It`s good to have somewhere to share your feelings @SorchaC even if you know it`s not your mother`s fault.

Dementia takes it out of everyone and it`s so painful to watch someone fail, slowly .

Of course you will grieve when your mum dies but for now you are probably suffering more than she is.
 

SorchaC

Registered User
May 3, 2021
20
0
I don't know whether I should go to work today or visit her. It feels like I am waiting for her to die watching each breath and feeling her pulse go along.
But aren't I a jackass if I go to work and try not to think about it. Or just watch the minutes go by waiting for the call.
This is horrible.
 

Mdow

New member
Dec 28, 2018
5
0
It has been 11 days since my mother had any food or water. Hospice said yesterday she was actively dying.

Why does it feel like she has been dying for months? We are lucky, she and I, in some ways. It has been exactly 2 years since the diagnosis of dementia.

But I am still mad. I am mad that her body does not seem to be giving up. I am mad at her for holding on and making me watch.

My father died 5 years ago and his death was peaceful. I was there on the last day. There was none of this waiting for the last breath so it could finally be over.

I love my mother fiercely and have mourned her loss for the last 2 years. I am sure I will grieve when she dies but right now I am mad.
My friend's father had this also so at day 10 the hospice carer told her to give him permission to die and she did it sobbing the whole time but did do it. He then passed away. Sometimes they cling to life for their children. Give her permission to leave and reassure her it will be ok.
 

Mdow

New member
Dec 28, 2018
5
0
I don't know whether I should go to work today or visit her. It feels like I am waiting for her to die watching each breath and feeling her pulse go along.
But aren't I a jackass if I go to work and try not to think about it. Or just watch the minutes go by waiting for the call.
This is horrible.
We took care of both my in laws through their demise. We also used hospice, at the end each time my sister in laws would call us to the bedside hundreds of times for their last breath which of course wasn't. I told them we have already said our goodbyes please don't alarm us to say yet another goodbye. Let them pass in peace. Which they both did while we were walking the dogs and the sisters were upset. Oh well Mom and Dad loved us dearly for taking them in when neither daughter would. We know we will see them again. Please go to work as you I am sure have said heartfelt goodbyes for over 2 years now. This is called "the long goodbye".
 

Sheelagh7

Registered User
Feb 25, 2022
60
0
@SorchaC I think you should do what feels right for you.
We carried on visiting mum once a week until the day she died. The nursing home called the Saturday evening to say she had deteriorated, we visited her on the Sunday morning and a couple of hours after we'd left she passed away.
This disease is so cruel and the medical professional/nursing homes, etc., seem to be more than happy to drag things out for as long as possible, they want to keep people alive at all costs. I am bitter that mum suffered longer than she needed to, what is the point of keeping them going when there is no hope of recovery and zero quality of life.. My mother lasted a year after we'd been told she was end of life. Whenever I visited mum I used to tell her it was OK to go, time to be with Francis (her eldest son who she was going to be buried with). Whether any of it sunk in or not I'm not sure as she was barely conscious most of the time and didn't know who anyone was. When the end came it was quick for mum, less than 36 hours after she stopped drinking and 24 hours after her breathing changed. It was such a huge relief that she was no longer suffering.
 

pitufi

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
51
0
London
@SorchaC im in a similar position and struggle to go to work while mum is slowly dying.
It doesn’t make a difference if I don’t go but also feel worse if I stay home or even go visit her
Her home have said she’s not eaten for over 2 weeks but still drinks. She sleeps most of the day and is on morphine. She doesn’t have much left but I was told she might have hours of days left 2 weeks ago and the wait is unbearable
My anxiety over my phone ringing is driving me insane and meanwhile while I mourn I have to have this ‘on’ face at work and with people. I find it impossible to explain to them what I am going thru. My husband is my rock as he understands having lost his mum to Alzheimer’s during the pandemic

I’m so sorry x
 

15moterbike

Registered User
Jan 17, 2022
132
0
@SorchaC im in a similar position and struggle to go to work while mum is slowly dying.
It doesn’t make a difference if I don’t go but also feel worse if I stay home or even go visit her
Her home have said she’s not eaten for over 2 weeks but still drinks. She sleeps most of the day and is on morphine. She doesn’t have much left but I was told she might have hours of days left 2 weeks ago and the wait is unbearable
My anxiety over my phone ringing is driving me insane and meanwhile while I mourn I have to have this ‘on’ face at work and with people. I find it impossible to explain to them what I am going thru. My husband is my rock as he understands having lost his mum to Alzheimer’s during the pandemic

I’m so sorry x
Hope she finds peace very soon x
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
4,231
0
Midlands
I remember it well, one shallow breath.......and 1000 times you wonder if there will be another.

its exhausing, I remember thinking ''please dont take another breath'' and after a long pause she did.

Suddenly it all changed when she just didnt take that breath............and I wished she would

thnking of you xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,528
0
South coast
The way that people with dementia die from dementia is, in my opinion, particularly distressing - the long drawn out general decline and the way you feel you are losing them long before they reach the stage of actively dying. By the time they reach the stage of actively dying they have already lost most function (and a huge amount of weight) and then even when they stop eating and drinking, it is not over. People with dementia often seem to cling tenaciously to life. Mum did not eat or drink anything at all for 17 days and by the time she was at day 14 I was going - dear God, how can she possibly be still alive? She was being given morphine and other drugs to keep her pain free and comfortable. She had had her church vicar come and pray for her and I told her it was OK to go, but she clung on. Her limbs were cold, the skin mottled, her eye corneas opaque and her pulse was barely registering, yet she carried on breathing. People who have not seen it have no idea.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to everyone out there going through it
 

SorchaC

Registered User
May 3, 2021
20
0
I remember it well, one shallow breath.......and 1000 times you wonder if there will be another.

its exhausing, I remember thinking ''please dont take another breath'' and after a long pause she did.

Suddenly it all changed when she just didnt take that breath............and I wished she would

thnking of you xx
She died.
 

SorchaC

Registered User
May 3, 2021
20
0
My mother has died. And I am a wreck. I am told she is at peace. That I said I didn't want her to suffer so why am I crying? Why am I sad? "She was lost a long ago." "She did not know who you were so why are you sad."
My husband just wants to know why I was fine for days and now I am not.
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
504
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
My mother has died. And I am a wreck. I am told she is at peace. That I said I didn't want her to suffer so why am I crying? Why am I sad? "She was lost a long ago." "She did not know who you were so why are you sad."
My husband just wants to know why I was fine for days and now I am not.
Sending you love and peaceful thoughts. You're crying because you're human. We never, ever stop the love we shared, even if it has become bent out of shape. Celebrate that you ARE human. Rejoice in the fact you have known love. My wishes be with you.
 

SorchaC

Registered User
May 3, 2021
20
0
Watching her die was so horrible. She did not respond to me. I did not cry during any of it. Didn't cry after.
Today I am angry and crying. She was my mother. I felt her pulse that last week and thought this is all that is left of her.
Why can't I be okay with her dying?
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
4,094
0
Dorset
I have found that it always takes time to get your head around somebody dying. You have known them for so long and then suddenly, in quite literally a heart beat, they are no longer there.
People react differently and go through many emotions. One friend told me she coped with all the turmoil of caring for her Mum with terminal cancer and helping her Dad deal with everything afterwards and she found it very difficult to cry until months afterwards when she went downstairs for a drink in the middle of the night and it just suddenly hit her.. She said she just sat there and cried her heart out.
You can only deal with your feelings in the way they affect you, not in the way other people expect you to behave.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,301
0
I have found that it always takes time to get your head around somebody dying. You have known them for so long and then suddenly, in quite literally a heart beat, they are no longer there.
People react differently and go through many emotions. One friend told me she coped with all the turmoil of caring for her Mum with terminal cancer and helping her Dad deal with everything afterwards and she found it very difficult to cry until months afterwards when she went downstairs for a drink in the middle of the night and it just suddenly hit her.. She said she just sat there and cried her heart out.
You can only deal with your feelings in the way they affect you, not in the way other people expect you to behave.
Dad has been gone for over two years now and I still can't get my head around it and I think I only cried once when he died but we went to a concert a couple of weeks ago and when the band came on and started the first song I burst into uncontrollable tears. I felt really silly but I couldn't stop and I spent the whole concert in a state of high emotion, crying and then not crying and then crying again. My husband did not know what to do with me. I even cried on the train on the way home. I think it just caught up with me.

@SorchaC there is no right or wrong way to grieve and it may creep up on you at really unexpected moments. I think you may just have to go with the flow of tears at the time. I am sorry that this happened to your mum, it is a horrible illness. She is at peace now and I hope that you can find some peace of mind and acceptance.