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I am going insane soon as a caretaker

Travis95

Registered User
Aug 1, 2019
21
Hi,

I am the son (age 25) of a Dementia mother (age 57). She was diagnosed frontal temporal dementia 3 years ago and it is getting out of hand. If this continues, I will go insane before the age of 30:

I had been working from home over the past 7 months, and had to deal with the following all alone:

1. if I'm not within her sight, she starts crying saying there is no one at home (I am just working in a room). The nature of my work is very demanding, I usually finish work around 7pm, recently working till midnight due to tight deadlines. I really don't have the time to just sit by her side every few minutes to keep her accompany.

2. She wakes up earlier than every one else at home. Almost every morning, the first expression on her face is teary eyes - probably crying every morning out of loneliness.

3. She will cry at least 3 times a day, some times teary eyes, some times sobbing, with 2 possible reasons:
a) no apparent reason, just cry

b) the resentful father lose his temper over her.
He can literally shout/raise his tone on her, over petty little things such as "wasting" energy to boil water without using it. I have absolutely gave up educating him. Every time I tried to advise him in a gentle manner, he shoves me off. I lost hope towards him to the extent that I think he has some form of mental disabilities too: zero empathy; 60 years of age, but behaves like 6.
At times I went head on in a verbal fight with my dad for him shouting at mom. In the end of the day, he will never change anyway, and it will put me in a depressed state - I had to stop all my work because I could not focus at all thinking about it.
I'm trying to stop this because I achieve nothing but hurt myself. I just say some harsh, but truth words at him (eg: you are hopeless / you never learn) and pull mom out from the situation.

4. Even without triggers, she will say she hasn't eaten anything AT LEAST 3 times between lunch and dinner, happens every day. We deliberately keep a portion of her lunch to deal with this, such that we split her lunch portion into 3 "meals" to deal with this. However, very often this is not sufficient, she could say say she is hungry 4 or 5 times in the afternoon, and we simply don't have, and can't keep that much food from her lunch.

5. Dealing with her siblings (my aunt and etc). None of them received full education, mostly school dropouts. All of them are blaming me (and my dad) on her current situation, insisting us to get her cured by consulting a specialist. They totally disregard our explanation that there is no cure to alzheimer's disease, they are all in denial of the situation. At one point I don't think I want to meet them anymore, I rather cut all connections with them.
This is not possible either because my mom always mention of her mom (my grandmother) who is still alive, and also one of them who blames me for the situation.

I tried many solutions:
1. Sending her to a daycare for alzheimer activities/interations - This didn't work at all because she is only in her 50s, and everyone there are in their 70s at least. She will cry on the way to the centre, before even arriving. Absolutely refusing to enter the daycare.

2. Hiring a personal caretaker - This is not an option given I am a young graduate just started working, it is simply unaffordable.

3. Speaking to a friend, those with no knowledge of the disease will give advice that are not helpful at all.

4. Convincing my dad to consult a counsellor. He never accept it, probably due to pride, he thinks only crazy people need their help.

5. I have a brother living with us. He does help out a bit, but he is not actively managing the situation, it is usually me that manages everything immediately when something breaks out.

The symptoms I noticed in myself:
-I became so paranoid that I react to every little sounds at home, sensing a trouble (Alzheimer mom) approaching.
-I can identify who is sneezing - is it just a cold, or mom is crying.
-I can hear footsteps, who is approaching / leaving, from / to which direction.
-I respond to little creaks from the door, worrying if it is mom approaching. Even with the door shut, I look at the gap underneath identifying shadows. If it is present, mom is approaching.
-I am paranoid hearing sounds from downstairs. Unsure if it is just sound from the TV, or dad is raising his voice at mom which I need to stop it immediately.
-I start to rant about the situation, or hold grudges (not infront of mom). I am even gathering statistics of the frequency and severity of her cries, I don't know for what reason, maybe for my own statistical analysis in the distant future.

If all the above symptoms persists, I genuinely think I will go insane before the age of 30.
The stress level from work is very insignificant compared to stress from home situations, this is how bad the situation is.
The only time I can loosen / relax is either when dad brings her out, or I am out alone. Shouldn't home be a place where I can relax and loosen up?

The only contingency / last resort I have, and will probably need to do it within one or two years, is to send her to a permanent carehome, at a very high cost. If I do that, she won't be happy and will exponentially worsen her condition, maybe even shorten her life expectancy. But If I don't do that, I might even lose my sanity totally, going from a professional to an insane young man in some hospital for insanity.
Also dealing with negative publicity - I am 100% sure her siblings (my aunt) will all condemn me for my decision given they have 0 knowledge and doesn't want to get educated. If that happens I will officially cut family ties with them.

What should I do? I can't just runaway from home and abandon the situation. I still love my dad and don't want him to die earlier than mom.
p/s: I am currently based in Malaysia
 
Last edited:

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,144
I agree, this sounds awful and is very unfair on someone of your age. As a mother of a similar aged son I would say that you should extricate yourself from this situation as soon as possible somehow. Your father should not allow this to continue, I certainly wouldn't.

I understand what you are saying about reacting to every little sound and so on. I was like this with my dad, always on high alert, constantly waiting for the next event, always stressed and my dad was easy to live with. It is not sustainable and you sound as if your mental health is suffering.

I am sorry I have no answers but you can't go on like it. Don't worry about the relatives, after all they are not living with your mum and any money spent on her care will be money well spent if it takes you out of this situation.

I hope that you can get some help and support very quickly.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
133
Re. "negative publicity"

I worried about this too - most people are actually quite understanding and those that aren't, frankly, aren't worth worrying about. If they won't support you now, then they won't support you at other times. You could try putting a film together showing your interactions with your mother that might demonstrate what you are facing, but be careful it's not too biased.

I don't know what social provisions are available in Malaysia or what cultural family ethic is most influential. Unfortunately, you can't sacrifice yourself to look after your mother. If you were to lock yourself in your room with headphones on would she hurt herself? Don't think that this is you not caring - it's quite the opposite. If you were indifferent to her plight then it wouldn't bother you. My father drives me mad, but I know he's safe enough here (better than where he was)
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,527
Hi,

I am the son (age 25) of a Dementia mother (age 57). She was diagnosed frontal temporal dementia 3 years ago and it is getting out of hand. If this continues, I will go insane before the age of 30:

I had been working from home over the past 7 months, and had to deal with the following all alone:

1. if I'm not within her sight, she starts crying saying there is no one at home (I am just working in a room). The nature of my work is very demanding, I usually finish work around 7pm, recently working till midnight due to tight deadlines. I really don't have the time to just sit by her side every few minutes to keep her accompany.

2. She wakes up earlier than every one else at home. Almost every morning, the first expression on her face is teary eyes - probably crying every morning out of loneliness.

3. She will cry at least 3 times a day, some times teary eyes, some times sobbing, with 2 possible reasons:
a) no apparent reason, just cry

b) the resentful father lose his temper over her.
He can literally shout/raise his tone on her, over petty little things such as "wasting" energy to boil water without using it. I have absolutely gave up educating him. Every time I tried to advise him in a gentle manner, he shoves me off. I lost hope towards him to the extent that I think he has some form of mental disabilities too: zero empathy; 60 years of age, but behaves like 6.
At times I went head on in a verbal fight with my dad for him shouting at mom. In the end of the day, he will never change anyway, and it will put me in a depressed state - I had to stop all my work because I could not focus at all thinking about it.
I'm trying to stop this because I achieve nothing but hurt myself. I just say some harsh, but truth words at him (eg: you are hopeless / you never learn) and pull mom out from the situation.

4. Even without triggers, she will say she hasn't eaten anything AT LEAST 3 times between lunch and dinner, happens every day. We deliberately keep a portion of her lunch to deal with this, such that we split her lunch portion into 3 "meals" to deal with this. However, very often this is not sufficient, she could say say she is hungry 4 or 5 times in the afternoon, and we simply don't have, and can't keep that much food from her lunch.

5. Dealing with her siblings (my aunt and etc). None of them received full education, mostly school dropouts. All of them are blaming me (and my dad) on her current situation, insisting us to get her cured by consulting a specialist. They totally disregard our explanation that there is no cure to alzheimer's disease, they are all in denial of the situation. At one point I don't think I want to meet them anymore, I rather cut all connections with them.
This is not possible either because my mom always mention of her mom (my grandmother) who is still alive, and also one of them who blames me for the situation.

I tried many solutions:
1. Sending her to a daycare for alzheimer activities/interations - This didn't work at all because she is only in her 50s, and everyone there are in their 70s at least. She will cry on the way to the centre, before even arriving. Absolutely refusing to enter the daycare.

2. Hiring a personal caretaker - This is not an option given I am a young graduate just started working, it is simply unaffordable.

3. Speaking to a friend, those with no knowledge of the disease will give advice that are not helpful at all.

4. Convincing my dad to consult a counsellor. He never accept it, probably due to pride, he thinks only crazy people need their help.

5. I have a brother living with us. He does help out a bit, but he is not actively managing the situation, it is usually me that manages everything immediately when something breaks out.

The symptoms I noticed in myself:
-I became so paranoid that I react to every little sounds at home, sensing a trouble (Alzheimer mom) approaching.
-I can identify who is sneezing - is it just a cold, or mom is crying.
-I can hear footsteps, who is approaching / leaving, from / to which direction.
-I respond to little creaks from the door, worrying if it is mom approaching. Even with the door shut, I look at the gap underneath identifying shadows. If it is present, mom is approaching.
-I am paranoid hearing sounds from downstairs. Unsure if it is just sound from the TV, or dad is raising his voice at mom which I need to stop it immediately.
-I start to rant about the situation, or hold grudges (not infront of mom). I am even gathering statistics of the frequency and severity of her cries, I don't know for what reason, maybe for my own statistical analysis in the distant future.

If all the above symptoms persists, I genuinely think I will go insane before the age of 30.
The stress level from work is very insignificant compared to stress from home situations, this is how bad the situation is.
The only time I can loosen / relax is either when dad brings her out, or I am out alone. Shouldn't home be a place where I can relax and loosen up?

The only contingency / last resort I have, and will probably need to do it within one or two years, is to send her to a permanent carehome, at a very high cost. If I do that, she won't be happy and will exponentially worsen her condition, maybe even shorten her life expectancy. But If I don't do that, I might even lose my sanity totally, going from a professional to an insane young man in some hospital for insanity.
Also dealing with negative publicity - I am 100% sure her siblings (my aunt) will all condemn me for my decision given they have 0 knowledge and doesn't want to get educated. If that happens I will officially cut family ties with them.

What should I do? I can't just runaway from home and abandon the situation. I still love my dad and don't want him to die earlier than mom.
p/s: I am currently based in Malaysia
You are a good son but you must not be a human sacrifice to this situation. Your responses show how o edge and badly affected you are. This must not go on. What are the steps you need to take in Malaysia for a care home? Warmest, Kindred
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,952
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Travis95

I understand that your mum doesn’t want to go to the daycentre because everyone is much older than her but could she be convinced that she was going there to help look after the older people? I know this wouldn’t really be the case but perhaps the staff could pretend it is and give your mum some little jobs to do.

Do you think it might be more acceptable to your mum if she thinks she is going there to “work” rather than being cared for? It would give you a much needed break during the day..

Otherwise I think a carehome is the only solution when family don’t want to help.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,946
South coast
I have been thinking about your situation @Travis95 and it must be so difficult - it sounds like you have no-one on your side and it it must be lonely and isolating.

I agree with Bunpoots that using "love lies" in order to get your mum to day care is worth pursuing - if you havent come across this concept before it is a major weapon in the arsenal of dealing with dementia. When they are unable to understand the reality of their situation you cannot tell them the truth because they will not accept it, so you have to come up with something that fits their world view. If you havent come across Compassionate communication here is a link

If this doesnt work, then I think that the only alternative is a care home, if you can possibly manage it. One thing I will say is that moving to a care home does not precipitate worsening of the condition. Very, very few people with dementia willingly go into a care home, yet once they are there and settled they often thrive. My mum fought tooth and nail against moving into a care home and was in a terrible state by the time I managed it, but after a few months she had settled, made friends, joined in activities and was happy. Being in an environment where nothing is expected of them and having a simple routine to give structure to their lives suits people with dementia and in your mums case, not having your dad shouting at her all the time will lessen her anxiety.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
547
Hi,

I am the son (age 25) of a Dementia mother (age 57). She was diagnosed frontal temporal dementia 3 years ago and it is getting out of hand. If this continues, I will go insane before the age of 30:

I had been working from home over the past 7 months, and had to deal with the following all alone:

1. if I'm not within her sight, she starts crying saying there is no one at home (I am just working in a room). The nature of my work is very demanding, I usually finish work around 7pm, recently working till midnight due to tight deadlines. I really don't have the time to just sit by her side every few minutes to keep her accompany.

2. She wakes up earlier than every one else at home. Almost every morning, the first expression on her face is teary eyes - probably crying every morning out of loneliness.

3. She will cry at least 3 times a day, some times teary eyes, some times sobbing, with 2 possible reasons:
a) no apparent reason, just cry

b) the resentful father lose his temper over her.
He can literally shout/raise his tone on her, over petty little things such as "wasting" energy to boil water without using it. I have absolutely gave up educating him. Every time I tried to advise him in a gentle manner, he shoves me off. I lost hope towards him to the extent that I think he has some form of mental disabilities too: zero empathy; 60 years of age, but behaves like 6.
At times I went head on in a verbal fight with my dad for him shouting at mom. In the end of the day, he will never change anyway, and it will put me in a depressed state - I had to stop all my work because I could not focus at all thinking about it.
I'm trying to stop this because I achieve nothing but hurt myself. I just say some harsh, but truth words at him (eg: you are hopeless / you never learn) and pull mom out from the situation.

4. Even without triggers, she will say she hasn't eaten anything AT LEAST 3 times between lunch and dinner, happens every day. We deliberately keep a portion of her lunch to deal with this, such that we split her lunch portion into 3 "meals" to deal with this. However, very often this is not sufficient, she could say say she is hungry 4 or 5 times in the afternoon, and we simply don't have, and can't keep that much food from her lunch.

5. Dealing with her siblings (my aunt and etc). None of them received full education, mostly school dropouts. All of them are blaming me (and my dad) on her current situation, insisting us to get her cured by consulting a specialist. They totally disregard our explanation that there is no cure to alzheimer's disease, they are all in denial of the situation. At one point I don't think I want to meet them anymore, I rather cut all connections with them.
This is not possible either because my mom always mention of her mom (my grandmother) who is still alive, and also one of them who blames me for the situation.

I tried many solutions:
1. Sending her to a daycare for alzheimer activities/interations - This didn't work at all because she is only in her 50s, and everyone there are in their 70s at least. She will cry on the way to the centre, before even arriving. Absolutely refusing to enter the daycare.

2. Hiring a personal caretaker - This is not an option given I am a young graduate just started working, it is simply unaffordable.

3. Speaking to a friend, those with no knowledge of the disease will give advice that are not helpful at all.

4. Convincing my dad to consult a counsellor. He never accept it, probably due to pride, he thinks only crazy people need their help.

5. I have a brother living with us. He does help out a bit, but he is not actively managing the situation, it is usually me that manages everything immediately when something breaks out.

The symptoms I noticed in myself:
-I became so paranoid that I react to every little sounds at home, sensing a trouble (Alzheimer mom) approaching.
-I can identify who is sneezing - is it just a cold, or mom is crying.
-I can hear footsteps, who is approaching / leaving, from / to which direction.
-I respond to little creaks from the door, worrying if it is mom approaching. Even with the door shut, I look at the gap underneath identifying shadows. If it is present, mom is approaching.
-I am paranoid hearing sounds from downstairs. Unsure if it is just sound from the TV, or dad is raising his voice at mom which I need to stop it immediately.
-I start to rant about the situation, or hold grudges (not infront of mom). I am even gathering statistics of the frequency and severity of her cries, I don't know for what reason, maybe for my own statistical analysis in the distant future.

If all the above symptoms persists, I genuinely think I will go insane before the age of 30.
The stress level from work is very insignificant compared to stress from home situations, this is how bad the situation is.
The only time I can loosen / relax is either when dad brings her out, or I am out alone. Shouldn't home be a place where I can relax and loosen up?

The only contingency / last resort I have, and will probably need to do it within one or two years, is to send her to a permanent carehome, at a very high cost. If I do that, she won't be happy and will exponentially worsen her condition, maybe even shorten her life expectancy. But If I don't do that, I might even lose my sanity totally, going from a professional to an insane young man in some hospital for insanity.
Also dealing with negative publicity - I am 100% sure her siblings (my aunt) will all condemn me for my decision given they have 0 knowledge and doesn't want to get educated. If that happens I will officially cut family ties with them.

What should I do? I can't just runaway from home and abandon the situation. I still love my dad and don't want him to die earlier than mom.
p/s: I am currently based in Malaysia
FTD is often seen in dementia in younger people and certainly requires the whole arsenal of care and awareness that can be provided. You cannot possibly achieve that in the environment you set out in your vivid post. Whilst it cannot be at all easy for your father, any expression of antagonism even due to frustration can only exacerbate your mother's condition. As has been stated quite correctly, the Care Home can alleviate so much of the angst and negativity which can be ongoing at home. We look to " best interests " always even when it is painful personally because there is inevitable separation and that overriding sense of abandoning care. But you are quite clearly subject to enormous challenges and you are working as well?! Look carefully into the field of available Care and especially any assistance from those who UNDERSTAND dementia. One of the major lacking of perceptions is in not realising that a brain afflicted with dementia cannot respond to "normality" cannot construct, cannot perceive, cannot be held responsible for its behaviour and so on. But it WILL respond to compassion and it seems to me that you are trying very very hard to offer that compassion amidst almost impossible odds.

With warm wishes.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,144
@Travis95 Is there nobody else that you could go to stay with, a friend maybe with a spare room even ig it is just for a short while. If you are out of the picture for a while then your dad may be more likely to consider a care home.
 

Travis95

Registered User
Aug 1, 2019
21
Hi all,

Apologies for the late response. In the past few days I was trying to rework a new plan, what to do next. My goal now is not so much of "protecting my mom", its more of protecting myself, keeping myself sane.

At the time of starting this topic, I was severely stressed and wanted to rant about my very unfortunate situation. I am more stable now to discuss the matter.

It is harsh, but we (my mom / me) can't both be happy, one of us has to sacrifice.
If I spend 100% of my energy on her, I lose all my career prospect, I lose all my youth, I lose everything, especially at this age where I am supposed to build the next 30 or 40 years of my life. In the end of the day, it is not worth it.
I have to take the difficult stance, to save myself but let my mom "suffer" in sadness.

Obviously the ideal solution is to send her at least to a daycare. I am trying hard to do this and also kept in touch with the nurse. Unfortunately, the pandemic made this impossible: the daycare is instructed by the government to close temporarily, nobody knows until when. As a timeline, I could keep her at home as long as I can stay sane. the definite point I will send her to a permanent care home is when dad leaves, or she doesn't recognise me anymore. She currently doesn't recognise dad as the man she married; to her, dad is just a flatmate.

I tried, in the past few days, to do my work on a mobile device so I can be with my mom most of the time. It work pretty well but I had to stop doing this - this makes her be very clingy to me (she is already) specifically and that is not good in the long run. At times I need complete silence, for working / study at home.
I've tried closing the door, but she comes in anyway. At times I locked the door, she would keep knocking until I open it, just to witness her crying, and then she walks away?
It is very difficult / hard feeling, but I have to do it, otherwise it will be very harmful to ME in the long run.

To keep things going, I understand I need to set mom into a routine so she doesn't get bored/lonely and start crying. However she was holding a high, managerial level in a corporate, which means she has much pride and absolutely won't do a maid's job, ie: cleaning. I am struggling to give her a routine to follow. Although night is sorted because that is dad's relax/happy hour where he watches the TV with mom and they usually gets along very well.

In terms of family members, there is no point fighting over my dad since it makes no difference at all, I am trying to dissolve situations which will trigger his temper. If it happens however, let it pass, leave mom crying - I can't do anything at all.
For other extended family members, I am giving them a last chance to say something helpful the next time we meet. Otherwise I am going to be brutally honest to them, telling them they are not helpful at all and should educate themselves before intervening.
 

Up the Creek

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
51
East Anglia
Hi @Travis95,

You say you mom held a high managerial job. I don’t know what work you do but I was wondering if you could distract her by saying you need help with something and could she possibly help you. Maybe you could invent something like your marketing department has a new project and needs opinions on a new book or a magazine article - you give her a book to read or there’s a new advertising campaign could she help colour in a few sheets for a brochure - print off some pictures for her to colour, or maybe she could write a few letters for you - print off a letter and give her some paper and a pencil and ask her to copy it out a couple of times.

Your mom can see you are busy and maybe feels helpless not being able to help perhaps if your mom thinks she is helping you with your work you might win the odd precious uninterrupted hour every now and again throughout the day.

I’m fortunate that at the moment my mum will leave me to get on with my work (I work from home too) and that she will spend hours colouring. She has spent a lot of time over the last three weeks making Christmas cards. Could you get you mom to make some invitations for something like a business event or party - give her some cards, envelopes, some stickers or maybe a magazine to cut pictures out of and some glue?
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,034
Essex
Hi all,

Apologies for the late response. In the past few days I was trying to rework a new plan, what to do next. My goal now is not so much of "protecting my mom", its more of protecting myself, keeping myself sane.

At the time of starting this topic, I was severely stressed and wanted to rant about my very unfortunate situation. I am more stable now to discuss the matter.

It is harsh, but we (my mom / me) can't both be happy, one of us has to sacrifice.
If I spend 100% of my energy on her, I lose all my career prospect, I lose all my youth, I lose everything, especially at this age where I am supposed to build the next 30 or 40 years of my life. In the end of the day, it is not worth it.
I have to take the difficult stance, to save myself but let my mom "suffer" in sadness.

Obviously the ideal solution is to send her at least to a daycare. I am trying hard to do this and also kept in touch with the nurse. Unfortunately, the pandemic made this impossible: the daycare is instructed by the government to close temporarily, nobody knows until when. As a timeline, I could keep her at home as long as I can stay sane. the definite point I will send her to a permanent care home is when dad leaves, or she doesn't recognise me anymore. She currently doesn't recognise dad as the man she married; to her, dad is just a flatmate.

I tried, in the past few days, to do my work on a mobile device so I can be with my mom most of the time. It work pretty well but I had to stop doing this - this makes her be very clingy to me (she is already) specifically and that is not good in the long run. At times I need complete silence, for working / study at home.
I've tried closing the door, but she comes in anyway. At times I locked the door, she would keep knocking until I open it, just to witness her crying, and then she walks away?
It is very difficult / hard feeling, but I have to do it, otherwise it will be very harmful to ME in the long run.

To keep things going, I understand I need to set mom into a routine so she doesn't get bored/lonely and start crying. However she was holding a high, managerial level in a corporate, which means she has much pride and absolutely won't do a maid's job, ie: cleaning. I am struggling to give her a routine to follow. Although night is sorted because that is dad's relax/happy hour where he watches the TV with mom and they usually gets along very well.

In terms of family members, there is no point fighting over my dad since it makes no difference at all, I am trying to dissolve situations which will trigger his temper. If it happens however, let it pass, leave mom crying - I can't do anything at all.
For other extended family members, I am giving them a last chance to say something helpful the next time we meet. Otherwise I am going to be brutally honest to them, telling them they are not helpful at all and should educate themselves before intervening.
Dear Travis,

My dad was Malay and my mum was English you have been given good advice so far. I cared for my dad at home but of course he was eighty when he was diagnosed and at the time I was 51 . You are a wonderful son but you should not have to do this at your age. I know about the pandemic in Malaysia and my cousins have given me an idea of the restrictions. I would try and follow @Duggies-girl's advice and try and stay with a friend or at least distance yourself.

That said you will have to learn to tell love lies to get your mum into a care home or day centre. To find out more about these things try approaching your mum's doctor to find out what's available in your area but you need to involve your sibling as well because you shouldn't do this on your own.

Feel free to message me Travis

MaNaAk
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,144
You sound a lot more positive today @Travis95 but I am sorry to say that it is not likely to last. You are in an extremely difficult position and your father appears to be no help to you. He really needs to be more supportive to you and take control. I am guessing that he is at work during the day while you are at home with your mum alone. What is your brother doing all day and why can't he help out a bit more.

I am glad that you are thinking of yourself now because you have a future and your mental well being is very important. I don't think it is possible to make your mum happy, it is the illness that is making her how she is and that is not likely to change unless the disease progresses rapidly and she is not able to follow you about which sounds awful. She is still relatively young though and this could go on for a very long time.

I still think that you should try to get away even if it is just for a short break and let your father look after her for a while. He must be able to take a few days off to do this for you. He is probably struggling too but he needs to keep his temper under control for all of your sakes.

I hope things improve for you.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,253
69
Dundee
I’m sorry things are so bad for you all. This link gives details of a helpline in Malaysia. I wondered if it would be useful to give them a ring to talk things through with someone who will know what might be available locally -