I am being branded and incapable carer!

[JulianneGreen]

Hi all,

Having a bad day and need to let off steam. Mum is giving the milk i buy her to the cats that visit her back door and hinding the bottles so no-one will tell her off for using it for them. Thus the carers who come in of a morning are having to bring her more milk and think i am not taking her any. She hides her medication, for what reason i have no idea, so they think she has none. Each night I put it back into place and by morning it has disappered and the carers think i have neglected to sort it for her. I leave money in her care file for shopping, but she gets in a state thinking i havent left her any and tells everyone who sees her i am not giving her any of her money. She has run up huge phone bills that cannot be payed by constnatly ringing the speaking clock so now the phone has been cut off and everyone is asking me why, and that where is her money to pay for it to be put on. I was critised today for buying a couple of cheap gifts for mum to give close family, that it was a voilation of her rights as i used her money. All I was doing was trying to make her feal useful and not left out when she is given presents. She asked me to, I wanted to take some worry off of her.

The social worked rang today, to tell me what has been said. Luckily she is understanding and the money and medication was found later under cushions in the living room.

But what really hurts is that mum doesnt seem to trust me, and seems to be going to her friend instead when she needs help, this friend acts supportive and promises to sort things out. Then promptly calls me to tell me what needs to be done without doing a thing. It feals like she is being turned against me, that people view me as young, and incapable. Its very upsetting. I'm so depressed. As it is, I pay a lot of her bills and debts out of my own money as she has run up as lot in the early stages of the illness.

Sorry everyone. I guess its just been one of them days.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Kriss]

It's not your Mum who doesn't trust you it's the AD - keep remembering that. Sounds like the friend is playing good guy, bad guy which is similar to how we handled Aunt earlier this year. Someone has to keep the channels open but it meant we were the ones always seeming to have to tell her the things she didn't want to hear whilst her neighbours and friends "agreed" with everything she said but at least that way we knew she had someone close by that she would turn to in time of need and we would at least get a message that we were needed in a hurry.

I've just "spent" some of Aunts money on boxes of chocs as gifts for her to give to anyone who visits this week. It could go either way - she'll enjoy giving them something, or she'll overdose on Thorntons as she'll forget what they're there for! My mum thinks I'm nuts but at least she will have a chance to feel in control of something!

Hang on in there, it might not seem as bad tomorrow but if it does then so what - you can go with a clear conscience and thats what matters.

Kriss

 

[Norman]

Julianne
I can understand you being worried.
The social worker understands your predicament and she must also understand AD,so if need be you can ask for her help.
Your mum mistrusting you is a common symptom with AD so I would not worry too much about that.
It might be a good idea to pass over some Alzheimer's fact sheets to the "friends" who are quick to inform you what needs to be done,perhaps they know nothing about AD.
Could you leave the milk,medication and money in an agreed place not known to Mum and the carers could dispense it as required?
Hope this is some help to you
best wishes
Norman

 

[Sheila]

Hi Julianne, Norman has some really good points there about leaving money/meds etc in a pre/agreed place. What you describe is unfortunately common to many of us. I wondered myself if maybe it was because my Mum now thought of me as a little girl and that these things were too difficult to give to me to cope with. (It made sense and helped me to cope anyway.) It is good that you have an understanding SW as things are going to get to where you need her support a lot. I suggest you start keeping a diary, log in everything, especially these pre-arranged things and what happens and whether your Mum feeds the milk to the cats, where she hides the bottle etc. etc. Then contact your SW and the Agency on a regular basis to compare notes. This is how you will all be able to get the big picture and see what and where Your Mum needs help. Love She. XX

 

[JulianneGreen]

Thanks everyone,

It all seams a little silly in the light of the morning, I guess I just got worked up over what people think about me, and with all the usual worries about mum it seamed a big deal. I'm not going to get worked up over it, I have a clear consience. I have sat and thought about what i do and dont do and have decided I am doing the best I can. Found all the milk cartons! they are under the sink, ironicly the carer found them there this morning and rang me to apologise. I have superglued the medicene dispenser to the side table (its old). Havent worked out the money one. yet.

Thanks for replying

 

[Chesca]

Julianne, it doesn't seem silly at all in the cold light of day. What is important is that you got it out of your system, and it helps. The nights can often be dreadful when you start replaying the day's video in your head. As you have seen here it's a very common situation for most carers. Just to reiterate: remember it's not Mum who doesn't trust you, it's AD - she has a mental illness. Believe me, as time goes by she will be blaming her best friend, the carers, Bernie the cousin twice removed and dead these last 50 years, and next door's cat. It's the illness.

What is important that you don't allow yourself to be diminished by what is happening. You are doing everything you possibly can with love and devotion, we know that because you're here, we've all been there or are still there. Try to stop caring what other people think - you know the score and the carers should (and if not the SS should enlighten them). If they don't understand the nature of AD they either shouldn't be doing the job or need some sound advice.

For your own benefit, for the future, keep a record of everything you spend and for what. It may be useful.

And remember to be gentle with you, I think you're very special.

Best wishes
Chesca

 

[Brucie]

I echo what everyone else has said, but have only one question....

you say "everyone is asking me why" and "I was criticised "

Who is everyone? and who is criticising? If it is family, but those who don't do anything to help in caring, then ignore them. This is normal that one person tends to get left to do the caring role.

There's something you should consider. We carers often criticise ourselves for never being able to do enough, never being able to make the person better, etc. We almost care too much, you see, and feel we can never live up to a role that very few people anywhere can do. We are over-critical of ourselves.

You just need to be aware of these things, and if you are the only one to do it - pat yourself on the back frequently.

But of course you are not the only one anyhow - we at Talking Point understand entirely. You are doing a great [in all senses of the word] job.

Happy Christmas!

 

[gladys]

Julianne,

Pay no attention to the criticism others say. Unless they are walking in your shoes and doing your job, they can keep their traps shut, imho. Kudos to Brucie, what he wrote is so true.

Love,
Gladys