I am a new member.


Registered User
Jul 30, 2007
My husband who is 74years old has had a brain scan and been diagnosed with Vascular disease. We have been told he hasn't got dementia. I am 59years old. I will make it as brief as I can. The first symptons he had was a year and a half ago where he had fallen asleep for a short period when we had gone to bed that evening, and he woke up and asked me what he had been doing that day, to which I told him, and then he kept asking me the same question over and over again. I at first thought he was joking with me. He ended up going off to sleep and didn't remember anything about the night before when I questioned him. He has had 12 of these episodes since the first one,spaced out over the 18 months. The last one was the worst, when he came down for breakfast and the next thing he stood still, staring in to space, and looked like he was eating a sweet,his lips turned blue, he was like that for just a few minutes, but afterwards he wasn't quite himself, so I made him lay down and he slept for 4 hours. He went on to have 3 more attacks during the day. He was having mini strokes. It is quite frightening to see.
I was very upset about these attacks as he hadn't had one since February. I was hoping that now he is on Asprin and Cholesterol tablets that perhaps he wouldn't have anymore of these mini strokes.

My husband's short term memory is quite bad now, although he remembers things from years ago. It isn't easy to have a conversation now, as when I start talking about something, before I have finished he is talking about something else. I never seem to get any peace, as when he is reading the newspaper he starts telling me everything he is reading. I do have to be very careful, as there was an occasion when he was telling me something in the paper, I just happened to say "I find that hard to believe" and then he goes off at me saying "you never believe what I say"

The real reason I am writing this is because I am feeling quite depressed. My husband is being not very nice to me, going on and on at me that I am being very argumentative towards him and saying I don't love him like I used to, and that perhaps I have found someone else. He acted like this about 6 months ago and it was so awful that I contemplated leaving him.I had to ring my son up so he could come down to our house to calm my husband down.It made me feel so bad that I had to let our son see us like that, he has never seen his parents row, (it's true, my husband and I have always got on) We have been married 37 years and it is so sad that our last few years together have ended up like this. I've alway been a happy go lucky person, but I just feel miserable most of the time now. I feel very lonely so it would be very nice to be able to communicate with someone who is also going through the same as me.

I realise that everybody is going through bad times, but I have been reading all the threads and it seems to me that you just mention dementia, but the medical people have said my husband hasn't got this, they are saying it is Vascular, so I am puzzled. Is there anybody out there who has got a partner with these type of symptoms. I have got family and when I try to talk to them I can see they don't fully understand, as when they are with my husband he seems quite normal to them, but they aren't with him 24/7.

I very much look forward to hearing from someone.


Linda Mc

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
Nr Mold
Juliebabs welcome you have come to the right place for support.

Whilst I have no experience of this type of illness many on here have and I know they will help you all they can.

I just wanted you to know someone had read your post and that we are all here to help each other. I don't know what I would have done without this forum.

Take care.

Linda x

blue sea

Registered User
Aug 24, 2005
Hi juliebabs
It must be very hard for you at the moment, coping with your husband's behaviour. I would ask your GP to refer him for more specialist tests; it might help to write down a list of all the symtoms to show the GP. I think you should also tell your GP how depressed you are feeling. From my experience with my father, it does seem possible to me (but I am no medical expert, so you need a proper assessment) that your husband has vascular dementia, caused by the mini strokes. 'Dementia' is quite a general term , referring to a group of symptoms relating to mental deterioration, which can have many causes. Alzheimer's, for example, is one cause of dementia; vascular damage caused by mini strokes is another. It is helpful to have proper diagnosis so that you can get the most appropriate help for your husband. You might find it helpful to read the fact sheet on vascular dementia - go to the top of this page and click on factsheets. Once a diagnosis is in place, you could ask for a social services assessment of your husband's needs, and yours as his carer.

I wouldn't feel guilty about involving other members of your family - you need all the support you can get, both practical and emotional. If it is vascular dementia, you will find that it progresses in 'steps', with quite long periods where the condition stays the same and then sudden declines, usually linked to another mini stroke. It is difficult to deal with the personality and mood changes, but it helps to try to deflect comments by agreeing and then changing the subject, rather than trying to reason with the person. It is the illness that is causing your husband to behave unreasonably, so it is not within his control.

Hopefully your husband's condition will not deteriorate quickly and you will still be able to enjoy some happy times together, even though you have some difficult days. Do keep posting as there is a lot of support and help available through TP members.
Blue sea


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Juliebabs, welcome to TP.

I think you'll find a lot of us here are suffering from deprssion and loneliness. It seems to be an integral part of caring, and particularly caring for a spouse. They're shut in their own world, and unless we're careful, and have a lot of support, we end up being shut up with them.

I hope that now you've discovered TP you'll find some virtual companionship, it's a lifeline for so many of us.

I'm puzzled by the doctor saying your husband hasn't got dementia. As far as I'm aware, any vascular problem that produces mini-strokes and damages the brain causes dementia. Could he have meant that he hasn't got Alzheimer's? Alzheimer's is different from vascular dementia, although many of the symptoms are the same.

I'm not contradicting you, or the doctor, I'm just puzzled.

You might find some of th Alzheimer Society factsheets interesting -- just click the factsheet icon, top left of the page.

This on describes vascular dementia,


and this one, Alzheimer's


I think it would be a good idea for you to go back to the doctor and ask for a referral for a definite diagnosis.

Keep in touch,


Registered User
May 24, 2006
Julie Babs

I realy feel for you especially when the doctors lie to you

Its clear to having seen my Mother go through Vascular Dementia following a series of mini strokes that its exactly what your husband has

The aggresive phase is the worst to deal with I can certainly tell you
Whats worse is the rapid switching from normality to zombie to aggresion its extremely wearing on any carer especially if you are dealing with it day in and day out

When my Mother became aggressive I found the only way was to give as good as I got ........sounds bad but it soon shut up the aggression and then i was able to deal with things

Basically the aggresion is their desperate despair/fear surfacing because they know something is not right but they are determined that its you or everyone else not them

Thankfully the worst of this phase was only about 6 months
As my Mother was 90 when she died its possible it was more rapid but I rather suspect not

I have basically traced back to her first mini stroke 5 years before .....and can see the whole picture of the disease unfolding .....before that she was pretty fit and well

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Juliebabs,

I agree with the advice you`ve been given here, to ask for a referral for a full assessment from the doctor.

My husband has Alzheimers and vascular dementia caused by poor circulation due to diabetes. So he does not have mini strokes.

However, in the early stages, he did exhibit similar symptoms to your husband, and one of them,

My husband is being not very nice to me, going on and on at me that I am being very argumentative towards him and saying I don't love him like I used to, and that perhaps I have found someone else. He acted like this about 6 months ago and it was so awful that I contemplated leaving him.
really hit home with me. My husband said I was becoming very cold and hard towards him.

The loneliness and isolation you are feeling is shared by all of us who are full time carers.

You can get help from your doctor for your depression, and I sincerely hope you can get help from TP for your loneliness and isolation.

Take care

Love xx
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Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
HI Juliebabs

My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia. It took a good while to notice true "dementia". AT first it appeared as depression/ tiredness, but Dad had just died so it was fairly natural. Then she got obsessive about certain things as well,then lost empathy and behavioural changes, then absent mindedness and then confusion started.

From the stage where she lost empathy through to after the confusion started she could be very aggressive. It was hard to cope with and I was living 200 miles away. When I came to visit her it could be so difficult as you tried to help but her mind was no longer seeing it and she expected you to follow her way of thinking..which was strange by then to say the least. I think that the aggression is the fear of being "found out" and the worry becuase you know something is wrong. It also hits the person who is closest..in this case you.

We finally went behind her back and spoke to her GP who at first did not believe us and did basic tests and said Mum was ok. We then documented and wrote giving instances of all the "odd" occasions that we could remember and the confusion and finally were taken seriously. From the first signs to this stage took about 4 years and they were very hard.

Is it maybe possible for you to visit the GP for yourself and express your concerns so that the next time your husband sees him he is prepared.

This is one of the most difficult stages when you know that things aren't right.





Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
My husband has Alzheimers and vascular dementia caused by poor circulation due to diabetes. So he not not have mini strokes.
My mother also has has Alzheimers and vascular dementia caused by poor circulation due to diabetes.

Do like the way you put it Sylvia

asked me what he had been doing that day, to which I told him, and then he kept asking me the same question over and over again. I at first thought he was joking with me.
that how my mother started , I use to think she was joking or trying to wind me up .

am being very argumentative towards him and saying I don't love him like I used to, and that perhaps I have found someone else.
My mother use to get very paranoid , so would get very argumentative forwards me .


Registered User
Jul 30, 2007
Response for those who sent messages to me

To the kind and thoughtful people who sent messages to me. I just wanted to say I am sorry that I haven't got back sooner, but I haven't had the opportunity just lately.

I needed to tell you that I was feeling very down at the time,and when I read your messages it made me feel so much better, just to know that I am not the only one who is suffering, in fact there are some of you that are putting up with a lot worse then me, and my heart goes out to you all.

At the moment my husband isn't too bad, but I must admit that I awake every morning wondering what my day will bring, but now I have found Talking Point I think I might be able to cope a bit better than I have been doing.

Thank you all once again, and I will try and answer you individually when I have the chance.



Registered User
Apr 16, 2006
Hi my mum has VAD and it was explained to me in this way- with AZ it is like rolling down a hill it gradually gets worse. With VAd it is different they have an eppisode and go down the hill but they recover slightly and go up a bit but never back to the top. this has helped me understand my Mum who also has diabeties a little bit more I hope it helps you

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Juliebabs said:
I will try and answer you individually when I have the chance.From
Dear Juliebabs.

It is only necessary to answer posts individually if you really want to. Most people read all the posts on threads so will have read your last one.

It`s good to know TP helped you feel less isolated.

Love xx


Registered User
Jul 30, 2007
Can someone please advise me

My husband has been ok for a while, but today he had what I call 2 mini strokes, which didn't last for very long. I have made him go to bed early, as he said he was very tired. It has of course made it easier to send this message, without him looking over my shoulder.

The problem I have got is that I don't feel the same about him anymore, and I feel terrible talking like this. I haven't told anybody this, I feel so bad, as some of the time I feel so sorry for him and feel love for him, but other times when he gets cross with me because I haven't agreed with something he has said, then I start to feel resentful towards him. I know he loves me to bits but he is always wanting to hug me up every time he comes near me, and when we are in bed also, he seems to cling on to me so tight, I get so hot and can't sleep properly, and if I turn my back on him, he sees it that I don't love him anymore. So all the time I am trying to please him, but I am getting so uptight about it, I feel I am being suffocated. Although he looks the same, he just isn't the same person that I married. I feel embarrased to say this but he doesn't kiss me the same as he used to do.

One of the biggest problems I have got is that I just do not like going out in the car with him. I just feel so nervous. He is not concentrating as much as he used to and a lot of the time he goes quite fast. He is aware of me being nervous when he is driving as I have had to tell him, and as you can imagine he didn't like it at all, it led to a row, sometime ago. The trouble is he is always asking me to go with him on journeys, I try to get out of going sometimes but he takes it the wrong way and thinks that I don't like him anymore. I do drive so I try to drive if he lets me, which is not very often. I worry also that while he is driving he could also have one of these mini strokes, which has happened once, when he was in an area he didn't know, so I made him stop the car in a layby and I took over the driving. So you can see the problem I have.

Another problem I have is that he keeps on wanting to take me away for a holiday, we have been away for 2 weeks but that was with a group of us, (family) in a villa, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but he kept on at me that it would be nice to go away, just the two of us. Now that would have sounded wonderful, before he had his Vascular mini stroke, (2 years nearly) but the thought of going away on our own, I hate saying this, but I really don't want to go. I can't really explain why, but I don't enjoy being with him anymore, he is not easy to have conversations with him like we used to do, and he isn't fun like he once was.Also he was the one that I could depend on, he was my rock, but now roles have reversed and I feel very insecure. I also worry if when we are out that he might also have one of these mini strokes. I also have to watch what I say all the time, in case I say something to upset him. Anyway getting back to the holiday, he wants to take me away for a week in a few weeks time, he won't stop talking about it. Please can someone tell me what I should do, if I tell him I don't want to go he will be so upset, and really think I don't love him. How can I get round this one.

I feel better now I have written my feelings down, but I am dithering whether to send it or not, as I am not used to telling anyone my personal feelings, as it is making me feel disloyal to my husband, and I don't mean to be. He has been a very good husband and father to our sons and I have been very blessed. I have had a near perfect marriage for 37years and we never had a cross word, up until 2 years ago, all because of this dreadful disease.

I just wish I could feel happy like I used to be, I wake up each day and just go through all the motions waiting for bed time to come. How does one start to enjoy life?



Registered User
Oct 14, 2007
emotional rift

Juliebabs. Sounds selfish, but it is a fact that your desires are more important than your husband's. If you give him what he wants, suppressing your own revulsion, you will only hasten the day when you will be unable to love and care for him at all.
Are you more afraid of his anger or his grief?
It is a terrible situation for you and I am glad you have been brave enough to share the problem. I would guess it is one which probably affects many carers who feel guilty at losing their loving feelings.
Would your doctor be able to offer some help, perhaps in prescribing something to reduce your husband's libido? You also should not have to be a terrified passenger when he is driving. I am sure he will resist, and maybe react with anger if his doctor recommends that he should no longer be driving, but I think you owe it to yourself and other road users to discuss this with the doctor. Maybe your husband will more readily accept instructions from an authority figure, do you think?
It is sad for your husband that he feels he is losing your love, and this of course makes you more desperately sad, because you don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't think you should let pity for him make you ignore your own wishes. Would it be out of the question to invent a medical problem for yourself which would make it advisable to sleep separately? Sorry if it would upset you to do that. I am just trying to be the virtual friend with whom you could discuss all options -not urging any particular course of action on you.


Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
Hi Juliebabs

Horrible situation, isn't it? And it is always with you/us.

For me the key worry is the driving. He is putting you both at risk and if he is having TIAs then I'd be checking whether he really should be driving.

That in itself will cause you even more problems because he won't like it and will probably blame you. You might have to lock away the keys, disable the car etc, if it is really bad.

Time will sort it out in that you will have different problems, but the ones at present are hugely stressful, I know.
The problem I have got is that I don't feel the same about him anymore, and I feel terrible talking like this
Well, until you do actually talk like this - admitting it - you can't move to the next step. You have to find a way to love how he is now.

No, he isn't the same as he was, never will be again, but it is still him. He hasn't chosen this.

The times I've thought "I used to think the last thing I would ever want was for Jan to leave me for someone else, but now, if she could be well, I wish that had happened. I wish she could be normal and happy and full of life and I'd put up with a shattered heart for that."
I don't enjoy being with him anymore
everything is different and you can no longer share as you once could. also you are probably on edge all the time, expecting something to happen.
I have had a near perfect marriage for 37years and we never had a cross word, up until 2 years ago, all because of this dreadful disease.
Same for us - we're on 39 years, and never a cross word until......

Try to take things slowly. Come to terms with what each day brings you.

I'd be checking the driving situation though...... :)

Best wishes and please keep posting here.

But life ain't like that.


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Juliebabs,
On reading your post it could have been about me. I understand exactly how you are feeling. Four years ago my husband at the age of 58 was diagnoised with A.D. and he has had several mild strokes.
Apart from me being disabled it was a case of suddenly I was his Carer until May when he was placed in a N.H. I have gone over the last four years so many times. Did I feel resentment, dislike, even hate to protect myself from the man I had married - my soul-mate? Was I protecting myself from further hurt in what they call a long good-bye? I envy couples going out together, sometimes jealous and I have never experienced those feelings before. Peter was a danger on the roads and he had to give up driving. Do we feel as we do with the knowledge that there is a 24/7 tag attached to the illness and it takes over our life? I have even been frightened being in Peter's company not knowing what he would do next. When he took to carrying and hiding knives, stanley knife, swiss army knife, I was petrified. My gentle loving caring husband. With this illness it puts us all through so much, yes even doubting our love. But it must still be there otherwise you and I would not be on T.P. opening our hearts.
Take care of yourself. Best wishes. Christine


Registered User
Jul 30, 2007
I'm still trying to sort myself out sending threads, so I don't quite know if I have it done it correctly, but here goes then.

I just want to discuss my husband who has Vascular dementia.Things haven't been too bad just lately. So I have been making the most of each good day.

It started the day before yesterday, just something I said to him, which if I had said before he had this disease, he would have been fine about it.He got so cross with me and said some horrible things to me and said I am not the nice lovely person he married and he doesn't love or like me anymore. He said a few other things which I won't go in to detail about, but the heartbreaking thing is he said that the best thing is that he won't touch me or go near me, he will leave me alone. He said we will try to be civil to each other and see if we can become friends again first.

When he was going on at me so much, he even said 'I think you want me to have a heart attack'. Well you can imagine, I couldn't take it any longer I had to run out of the house, and was away for a few hours, and I spoke to my son and he came to the house with me.My husband was ok by then and he hasn't been too bad, but he has kept to his word and is not coming near me. For the last 37 years our pleasure has been at the end of the day after dinner we would curl up together on the settee, but now he is at one end and I am the other.

I'm sorry for going on and on, but all I really want to know is, is there anyone out there in similar circumstances that has got a husband that acts like my husband. It would really make a difference to me if I knew that I wasn't the only one,because the thing is, I am beginning to think that perhaps he could be alright and it is me that winds him up.


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
I'm sorry for going on and on, but all I really want to know is, is there anyone out there in similar circumstances that has got a husband that acts like my husband.
Dear Juliebabs

The answer from me is `Yes` to all your questions. And I wouldn`t be surprised if you get many more `Yes`s`.

My husband removed himself from me long before he was diagnosed, but remove himself he did.

I am not prepared to go into details, but all I can say is I thought it was the end of our marriage. We lived seperate lives, there was no tenderness between us, insults from him, tears from me, I trod on eggshells, and he jumped down my throat if I breathed out instead of in.

I`m afraid, with us, this period lasted a long time. I hope it isn`t a long time for you. There was no significant incident that drew us back together, it happened gradually, but it`s so much better now.

Now is very different. We are as close as we ever were and I realize all the upset was the start of the illness.

I`m not saying it is rosy, he is still difficult to live with, but his behaviour is common to so many sufferers of AD. It is hard, wearing, upsetting and tiring but the insults have stopped, the anger is greatly reduced and he is easier to live with.

It will never be the same as it was but I know he can`t help it.

It has helped so much to be able to offload on TP, and I hope it will help you too. No-one will tell you it is easy, and no-one will be able to make it better, but it does help to share.

Take care

Love xx

I have moved this to the Support Section. You will get more response here.
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Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
East Midlands
Hello Juliebabs! I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and understand what you're going through! You've had a lot of wise responses to your post and I've been hesitating about replying, but there are so many things that you mention that I've been through too I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm 54 and my husband is 71. He has Alzheimers but also a moderate degree of vascular dementia-no TIA's as far as we know. This was diagnosed 18 months ago and has obviously progressed since then. I felt so disloyal when I "shopped" him to the consultant-his driving had become so erratic I like you made excuses not to get in the car with him(he still thinks he's a perfect driver) They advised him not to drive that day and he never has-but he was so angry-at least if a doctor tells him it's out of your hands. Also our intimate relationship changed dramatically about this time-he accused me many times a day of not loving him and asked if I was going to leave him. Looking back I think he felt insecure because he knew he wasn't "right" somewhere and couldn't work it out. It is a role reversal-and a bit more - and I think it's normal to feel insecure at this time as things are changing and I know how hard it is for you. Please take some comfort in the fact that it all changes and moves forward-some days are bad,some not so bad. It's a time of big adjustment and while nothing will ever be as it was it won't always be so desperate for you. I'm fairly new to talking point too and my mood has lifted immensely since I found it. It's good to know we're not alone with this-other people offer sympathy which is great-but only those who are going through it can truly understand. Please keep in touch. Love Gigi x


Registered User
Jul 30, 2007
I can't tell you how much your message means to me. I feel so much better knowing that you have gone through the same things as I am going through.

I haven't got time to write more, but I just wanted to let you know you have lifted my spirits. Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Will get back on line when I have a moment to spare.

Thank you once again,



Registered User
Jul 30, 2007
Sad & miserable

I haven't been on here for a while, as things haven't been too bad. A few ups and downs as to be expected, but I have been coping.

To be honest I am just wanting a little bit of sympathy, which is selfish of me, considering all of you out there are suffering one way or another, and I do have sympathy for all the people that are suffering mentaly.

I won't bore you with all the details, but due to our financial position, we might have to move from our lovely house. It is all getting my husband down, every time I come up with a solution he gets cross with me, and is accusing me of not trusting his judgement.I don't know how much longer I can take it, I feel my head is going to explode.

There is no one I can talk to as my best friend is battling cancer, my sister has got health problems, another good friend is looking after her sister who has cancer. I feel my world is crashing round me. My husband was my best friend once who I could confide in about everything, now I cannot discuss anything with him now. I feel like running away, but I would never want to hurt my husband as I do love him, but in a different way to what I used to.My one source of relaxation is having a read in bed last thing at night, I can't even do that now, as my husband gets cross with me, he thinks he is being rejected. I haven't got a life of my own now, it is all centred round my husband.

I thought I might feel better now that I have got it off my chest, but I still feel so sad, and selfish at the same time.

I hope the next time I come on here I can tell you that things are getting better.