1. sammie

    sammie Registered User

    Aug 2, 2007
    west yorkshire
    hi everyone

    this is my first post and i'm here really to talk to people who know and have been in a similar situation. i will tell you my situation. my father who is 76 was diagnosed about 5 yrs ago and up until now we as a familly have been coping with this ourselves( myself , sister and mum) however my dad has been gettng steadily worse in the last couple of months and we suggested mum had a short break and have time for herself. they have recently moved into a smaller house and it was not possible for one of us to stop with dad( previously this was not a problem) so with some trepidation we enquired about respite care and was referred to a lovelly home near to where we live. so mum went on her break and dad seemed to settle in this home . however problems arose and rather than phone me ( which i told them to do and not phone mum) they rang mum to tell her that we must collect my dad today as he had exsposed himself to another resident. as you can imagine my mum was extremely upset by this and is coming home today. i for one cannot believe my dad would do this it is so not like him.and to be honest i dont believe it . i am going there this morning to find out what exactly happened . this is very upsetting for all of us .

    my dad was my rock and i love him to bits and this illness is robbing me of him and it is this that i cannot come to terms with

    sorry if i have gone on a bit but i am feeling so upset about it all. i am sure there will be someone out there reading this and can identify with me if so please let me know

    sammie xxxx
  2. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    Awful experience

    Hi Sammie

    Welcome to TP - I'm sure you will find a lot of support and useful information here.

    What an awful experience for you and your poor Mum. Only when you speak to the home will you be able to get more information on what actually happened, but it sounds like a "knee jerk reaction" from the home to want to evict him so quickly.

    I share your anger that they contacted your Mum rather than you as instructed. Your poor Mum's first attempt at respite & this will have undone any of the good that the well deserved break may have given her.

    Thinking of you - take care


    Gill x
  3. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    Hello Sammie, very sorry to read your news about your dad. I'm surprised that the home has taken a rigid line about your dad because people with dementia can occasionally display 'inappropriate' behaviour from time to time and I would have thought they could have handled it without having to send your dad home, if indeed it really happened.

    Try to keep calm when you meet them, and ask what supervision was taking place whenever what happened occurred. Who witnessed it? Was it witnessed by a member of staff or was it reported by another resident? Take things as calmly as you can and if you are not satisfied with the answers you may want to speak to an inspector from the Commission for Social Care Inspection and see what they have to say about this. However, in the first instance hear out what the home is saying. At the very least you will form an opiniion as to whether you want to use this home again.

    To find your local CSCI office go to www.csci.gov.uk
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Sammie,

    Welcome to TP.

    I`m really sorry about your dad and how worried you are about him.

    Unfortunately, the progress of Alzheimers can lead to the development of many forms of inappropriate behaviour, some of which are completely out of character and quite distressing to the family.

    This happened with my own father, who was always a most modest man.

    What does disturb me is the behaviour of the home.

    They knew when they accepted your father the nature of his condition, and it seems there has been a panic reaction.

    Did they agree to contact you, in case of emergency, or did you just understand they would? As your mother is next of kin, the home would have needed to get her consent re making you the first point of contact.

    It`s such a shame this first attempt at respite care has gone so badly. I hope it doesn`t put you off trying again, but perhaps with a different home.

    Take care xx
  5. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    Hello Sammie

    Welcome to TP, I hope you will find answers to your questions on this forum.
    It's hard for a child to watch a Parent decline into a world, where no-one else can enter.
    My Mum has lived with us for almost a year now and in mid-stage AZ and as much as I find it hard to believe some of the things she has done, I have to accept it, because I see it.

    It must be very difficult for your poor Mum, who has looked after him for so long, then to have a break, only to be called and told somerhing like that.

    If the resident in question is also suffering with AZ then it could be possible that the resident is making it up.
    Unless there was a member of staff who can confirm the incident, then I would be inclined to disbelieve it myself.

    I have read that things like this do happen so don't get angry, that will solve nothing, be open minded, explain to them how you feel, after all you are only trying to defend your much loved Dad.

    Take Care
    Janetruth x
  6. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hi sammie,
    Firstly, welcome to TP. Sorry that I can't help you I have had no experience with this. I would have thought that the home would have a plan in place for these sorts of behaviours it seems so unfair that your mum has to return from her trip away. Giving your dad his marching orders seems like a cop out on the homes part. I can see how upsetting this would be for your family. It's very hard coming to terms with this miserable disease. Personally, I found acceptance and gathering as much information as you can, the only way forward. I hope that all goes well when you visit the home. Take Care. Taffy.
  7. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Sammie

    The behaviour of AZ sufferers does not necessarily reflect the person they were and whilst they may shock us initially we must accept that it is the disease and not the person that is responsible for uncharacteristic behaviour.

    It is so disappointing to hear that the home is not capable of dealing with the situation, they are so unprofessional. Any EMI unit worth it's salt would take this minor incident (for this is what it was) in it's stride.

  8. sammie

    sammie Registered User

    Aug 2, 2007
    west yorkshire
    hi everyone

    thank you so much for your replies and the support:) we brought dad home yesterday he has no recollection of the incident ( a member of staff witnessed it) we had to lie to him about why mum came home early ( i hate lying to him) . he cannot go back to that particular home as they told us they could not deal with this sort of behaviour i wonder why the social worker placed him there then. my mum is reluctant to go away again but she has a trip booked for october on the orient express and was so looking forward to it i am hoping we can persuade her to go but it means starting all over again getting my dad assessed again to find a more suitable place .

    thanks again for your help i know this sounds strange but i dont really want to know how this illness progresses as it is frightening and i try to deal with it each day as it comes . i think thats why although i knew about this site i was too scared to access it but i will from now on

  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear sammie,

    I know how frightening the progression of the illness is and deep down you do know how it will develop.

    Just remember it is as frightening for the one who has it as the one who witnesses it.

    You and your mum have plenty of time to find a suitable respite home for your dad before October. When you do find one, I suggest your dad has a trial run asap, to make sure the home is the right one for him.

    Take care

    Love xx
  10. poppet

    poppet Registered User

    Aug 3, 2007
    hi sammie, i too am a new member...although i am now on here to talk about my mother in law, i just wanted to say that i remeber when my nan had alzheimers and when she deteriated i saw a whole new person. some of this was ammusing but often it was distressing. my only input is to say that i just had to come to terms with the 'loss' of my nan as i knew her, acknowledge and embrass the 'new' nan, and recognise that all the not so nice nan was just her condition not her. so please try to hold onto the beloved dad in your memory and not see what you might experience as 'him' but as the desease. she is still lovely in my mind (she passed away 7weeks before my wedding 12 years ago:( ) and i hold on to that and put the rest down to life. i hope this helps. my thoughts are with you.
  11. kirst

    kirst Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    east riding
    hi sammie we had the same sort of problem a fews yrs back when ever my dad was in respite they would keep ringing my mum if there had been a problem i then put my foot down and told them if anything happened they had to ring me the whole point of been in respite is to give your mum a break and by contacting your mum what break is she getting my dad is now in permanent care the first home he was in said he had thrown some tissues at another resident and among a few other things which i find hard to believe i know my dad can be verbal abusive at times but has never done anything like that before
  12. kirst

    kirst Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    east riding
  13. sammie

    sammie Registered User

    Aug 2, 2007
    west yorkshire
    an update

    hi everyone

    my dad asked my mum if he had done something bad and was that why he had to come home. he recalled the incident and my mum had to fill in the gaps for him he was very upset at what he had done but a couple of hours later he had forgotten all about it again i hope he will not recall it again as it causes him great distress.

    although he did say the lady was encouraging him the fact that this lady lived in the home i beleive was the reason my dad had to leave.

  14. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    challenging behaviour

    dear sammie,i don't mean to be other than helpful on this issue.denial of behaviour is a common thing from families.i experience this every day in the home i work in.we document everything in care plans for families who are permitted to read it.however we do encounter disbelief at reported behaviour.i have the grandparent of an ex carer in the home i work in.the granddaughter will not believe a word we say or write and she is now a home manager.its tough i know to be told these things but you need to be aware of them so you know how to react if situations arise when you are there with them.

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