i doubt if I am in a category all to myself here but so far I haven't come across anyone who is prepared to say it. You see I don't like let alone love my mother and can't remember a time when I did. I have spent my entire life trying to please her, trying to get her approval, hoping for encouragement or at least a loving word or gesture. She never gave any affection to her two children but demanded we kiss her goodbye and goodnight. My father despised her and if she made a friend she soon alienated them. She was never on speaking terms with the neighbours and found fault with everybody. She's the type who takes pleasure in others' misfortunes.
To be fair she took care of our physical needs well; it was our emotional needs that were ignored. We were well fed and clothed and the house was clean. She took us to the doctor when we were ill and we were given Christmas and birthday presents that were reasonably thoughtful. However, Christmas Day would turn into a war zone because she was expected to provide Christmas dinner. Pans would be slammed around in the kitchen as she demonstrated her distaste for "having to do it all". From the day we left school she ceased to buy her kids a present no matter what the occasion; we had money handed to us instead though we were, and still are expected to buy her something delightful.
So you get the picture I hope. Having grown up in a house where I never felt valued let alone loved it left me as an adult chronically depressed and often suicidal. In my 40s I was finally prescribed an antidepressant which probably saved my life. I distanced myself emotionally from mum but visited her most weeks even though I hated it. And I made sure her grandchildren (whom she does love) visited as well.
After being told a few years ago that I was the source of all the misery in her life (and not for the first time either) I decided I'd had enough. For 9 months I stayed away and I felt freer and happier than I'd ever felt. And then she needed a triple bypass and I was sucked back into the situation because my brother couldn't cope. He is older, single and has mild Autism.
Now mum is in the middle stages of AD and I have recently placed her in a CH. it was the best establishment I could find within a 15 mile radius. I would like to say AD has made my mother more mellow but this part of her personality remains intact. She still knows how to cut me to the quick with a single word.
I know she frets when I go away because she trusts me to make good decisions. She'd sooner die than admit it of course. I worry about her well being, take her things she likes to eat and magazines to read. I am a good and dutiful daughter.
I suspect there are many of us who have not had wonderful, loving, doting parents and I think I would not be alone in saying that we are sorely tested by the behaviours associated with dementia. When mum wails "why did this happen to me?" I can't help but think "karma" silently to myself. Of course I know karma has nothing to do with it. One day not long ago she actually said "perhaps if I'd been a nicer person this wouldn't have happened". It was the only time I have ever heard my mother say anything self deprecating in her entire life.
So if I don't have quite the same level of compassion and loving acceptance of my mother's mental challenges as most of the members here demonstrate, please try to understand why.
I will continue to ensure she gets the best possible care and regular visits because, and I reiterate, I am a dutiful daughter
Hi Andrea
I don't know if you are still visiting this forum as I have only today registered & then read your heartfelt rendition of your experience.
I'm my mothers only child but my father already had 5 children by his first wife before she died. He then met, and married my mother when she was pregnant with me in the 1960's. The eldest 3 children at that time had either already married and left home or did very quickly after he brought my mother home. This left my sister, brother and then me in the house with mum & dad. Unfortunately when I was 13, my dad died suddenly then my mother threw my brother out the house for his behaviour. So, for the most part of my life (I'm now in my early 50's) it left my elder step sister who is 5 years old than me, my mother & I living in the family home. My parents doted on my sister & we're always overly supportive of anything she wanted to do and were always on hand with kind words if she was upset or something didn't go right for her. When it came to me, the opposite was & still is true. My sister has never been able to do anything wrong and I cannot do anything right. I have a lot of examples of this that I won't bore you with at the moment, but suffice to say, this complete alienation of me by especially my mother, has left deep wounds & has made me completely resent, distrust and dislike my sister. I was sexually abused on separate and non related times when I was 13 & then again when I was 15 but I didn't tell my mother about these until I was in my 40's, and her immediate remark was "nice weather we're having...". I've had a bad marriage and have tried to commit suicide on more than one occasion and continue to suffer with clinical depression. Despite this, I have supported and been there for my mother for over 30years. My sister moved away sometime ago and visits her step mother once every three months, normally to get money or something else.
Although mother had her dementia officially confirmed mid last year, in hindsight I truly believe she has had the disease for around 5yrs or so, given her behaviour in that time.
She has the memory loss and is getting progressively worse at her own personal care, including hygiene, housekeeping and nutrition. I go to see her at least once a week as she is still in the house and doesn't get out much. The thing is, she's always been a split personality type, one minute lovely, the next nasty but over the past few years, her viciousness and hurtfulness has increased dramatically, ostracising people that are only trying to help and that care for her to the extent there is now only me that genuinely cares and asks nothing in return? This venom has culminated yesterday and today with her accusing me of stealing items from her home and telling me not to call her again? I have to state I do not and would not take anything from my mothers house without her permission or request. I do not have anything to do with my step sister as, apart from the reasons I mentioned earlier, the last time I asked for her support, the only thing she could suggest was that she moved in with my mother which is something I really don't want as I believe she will use it to her own advantage & would do her utmost to completely block me out? Mother has now said she doesn't want the lovely lady from social services to visit again. She has been offered a deep clean for three rooms which she has also refused. She eats food that is completely off (when she remembers to eat at all) and has now decided the diagnosing doctor doesn't know what she's talking about...
Please can someone....anyone help with how I am meant to cope? I love her, despite her obvious and complete favouritism towards my step sister but I just don't know what to do. Please can someone help me?