1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

I am a dutiful daughter.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by AndreaP, Aug 27, 2015.

  1. chelsea girl

    chelsea girl Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    139
    I am a dutiful daughter

    Hi i am an only child and feel the same as you. My mum has suffered with her nerves since i was 5. My lovely dad gave up work to be with her and he started working self employed so he could go home lunchtimes etc. They had been married 10 years when i was born. It was great when i was small cos she could dress me up and people would comment on how nice i looked. But when i reached 6 or 7 i got chubby and then it started, constantly on at me to sit up straight, hold ur stomach in blah blah. When i was 20 my dad passed away and i promised to look after mum. I got married and had 4 boys but mum was always with us, she would sulk and cause an argument every year on my birthday. Every holiday we had was with mum, she never told me she loved me. I think people who suffer with there nerves are very selfish. I now look after mum who has als and she tells me she hates me, the other day she wanted to hit me with her walker!!. She was so stricked and scary when i was young, i still hold my tongue a lot and am still a little scared of her, silly isnt it? Nice to know others feel the same. Take care x
     
  2. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    426
    It was me. The board suggestion was "I am in a dysfunctional relationship with someone with dementia". I think my tagline was "Caring for formerly abusive parents who do not deserve it".

    A sense of humour is essential to avoid going nuts.

    LS
     
  3. irishmanc

    irishmanc Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    64
    Manchester
    You've raised so many interesting issues here. I am an only child raised by a mother who was more focused on and interested in her job than in me. Oddly, since she became ill (Parkinson's and vascular dementia), she has become kinder and more loving and has even apologised for how she treated me as a child. I really value our relationship now in these final years and it has been a comfort to me in dealing with her illness. I guess people are quite complicated and it sometimes takes us a lifetime to figure each other out!
     
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    LS! Yes! I remember now, it was you.

    Moderators! Are you out there? Make us a board for ourselves!

    There's probably a way to do a signature and you could use your tagline, or something like it. One of these days when I'm procrastinating my mother's endless, wearying, soul-sucking paperwork, perhaps I'll look into it.

    Come to think of it, we could have a board for soul-sucking paperwork, too. (Or is that covered under the legal/financial one?) I've not read Dante in years and years but will have to see if that is one of his levels of Hell...

    Okay, back to Andrea's thread now, and apologies for the diversion.
     
  5. Tubbsy

    Tubbsy Registered User

    Sep 5, 2010
    108
    Surrey
    Wow, I admire you so much for being so honest. I have never had a good relationship with my mother and never liked her; she is a snob, judgemental, arrogant etc and nothing I did was ever good enough. She slagged off everyone, including her friends and always thought she was better than all of them. She had an easy life as my dad was a high earner, my brothers and I went to private schools, holidays abroad, he took her to the Savoy, bought her designer clothes, handbags etc so she never had to work. He just wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to marry a doctor or a lawyer. I married someone I loved, and still do, 26 years and 2 kids later, who works hard but we struggle..you know how it is. Anyway, I too am beng a 'dutiful' daughter feel but it's hard as I can't help but feel she never showed me 'love' and sometimes I feel like she's putting me though all this deliberately.....how ridiculous is that?
     
  6. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    Gosh there are a lot of us aren't there? Yes we do need our own sub forum I think as members who treasure their parent(s) can probably not imagine how we could feel the way we do.

    As someone else pointed out all the literature refers to "your loved one". Excuse me? This really annoys the hell out of me. Do they honestly think every family is happy and functional?

    I try to take the attitude that there is a soul lesson in this. My belief system is that to evolve the soul needs to suffer to learn. Therefore I should be grateful for this experience; it's made me stronger and I have overcome my desperate need for mum's approval which was no small feat. I no longer need anyone's approval but my own and that's a good place to be.

    Mum's also had to learn that her behaviour has had consequences. She isn't fussed over by her family and we visit out of duty not for pleasure. I think she senses that although I doubt she understands why. She probably believes that we are the selfish, ungrateful creatures she always knew us to be.

    C'est la vie.:eek:
     
  7. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    Wow I really didn't think there were people out there like me. Disfunctional families. I think in my mothers case it went back to the war and she was evacuated away from her parents. But before that he M+D ran a hotel. Her brother was older than her and actually was in the war at the end.

    My father's dad was drowned during the war and brought up in boarding schools or with a mother who was so distraught he really also had no "love".

    I think they didn't know how, and now mater expects me to love her as a......dutiful daughter.

    Sorry but I can go through the actions.........I left home at 19.........
     
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,924
    Suffolk
    I did actually complain at a meeting about the use of the term 'loved one'. To be fair, they stopped using it.

    BTW, I admire you good ladies for the way you get on with things. I managed to cop out of caring for OH 6 hours away! However, there are times when I hated OH but....it's the disease!
     
  9. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    442
    Andrea P, your last paragraph about the consequences of your mum's attitude sums up the situation for so many of us who 'care' for their mums purely out of duty.
     
  10. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    464
    Female
    Cheshire
    I think most people's families have an element of disfunction, some more than other's. Andrea, you are doing wonderfully well under the circumstances and the complicated nature of your relationship with your mum. Even though I have always been close to my dad, and do what I do because I love him, there is also a large feeling of 'duty' and it's that which gets me through the hardest times... because that's when I feel the most detached and can cope better.

    If it had been my mum I was looking after, then my situation would have been more like yours. And I honestly don't know if it would have been better or worse... probably neither. It would have been equally as difficult but in a different way. Everyone's situation is unique, but we can still (hopefully) help and support each other!

    You ARE a very dutiful daughter and you deserve a great deal of credit for that :)
     
  11. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    187
    France
    I agree it's not necessarily better or worse caring for an abusive parent.

    Some things are harder - I feel angry that I have to step up for a mother who has caused me nothing but pain, but at the same time I have distance from her which helps me at times.

    I would have found it harder to see my father, whom I loved, degenerate with Alzheimer's (he died suddenly and in "good" health 8 years ago) but we would have had a closeness which would have cushioned us through some of the bad times.

    Like grief, each situation is unique, and no situation is easier - it just has to be dealt with.

    But there are many, many daughters having to step up for narcissistic mothers who were not loving or supportive. I always thought, and said, that I would never be able to be there for my mother in her old age - but like Andrea and many others, I am.

    When it comes to it, we have no choice!
     
  12. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    464
    Female
    Cheshire
    And we have no choice because of the kind of people we are! Whether it's out of love or duty, we step up anyway. A lot of people don't... but we aren't those people :) x
     
  13. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    187
    France
    No, we aren't.:)
     
  14. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    237
    Andrea you are not alone. I care because it is the right thing to do and my mother has nobody else. But I'm not going to pretend I'm **** a hoop about it.
     
  15. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    103
    Yorkshire
    At least we all know that we have done our best, and I think our spirit will be good in the end. I think we are the sort of people who would help a stranger in trouble well within reason and some just walk on by.

    It's amazing how many people as my husband puts it have crawled under their stones.
     
  16. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    It will be 5yrs this saturday since dad died (cancer) and I am dreading it, I am going to visit , take her to Tesco's run in car but I an dreading the "memories" bit.........I am going to take her some tablet, and new chocolate biscuits I have found.

    And not sure if I read here or somewhere one of those "adult" colouring books that are all the rage and sister is getting felt pens so easier to colour.

    It might give her an interest
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,896
    Female
    South coast
    ((((hugs))))) patsy. Anniversaries are always hard. Will your mum remember?

    Ive been wondering about the adult colouring books too.
     
  18. Bullrush

    Bullrush Registered User

    Jan 30, 2016
    6
    Twin!


    Gosh, this could be me almost word for word! Thank you for allowing me to breathe a huge sigh of relief. We are not alone.
     
  19. Bullrush

    Bullrush Registered User

    Jan 30, 2016
    6
    On the nail!

    I like this post - so true!
     
  20. Alwaysmethat

    Alwaysmethat Registered User

    Jan 30, 2016
    1
    Stevenage
    Thank you

     

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