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I’m losing my Mum

sunshine1965

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
14
My darling Mum is at the end stage of dementia. She had a silent heart attack about 8 weeks ago and wasn’t well enough to return home. She was placed is nursing home we knew nothing about, in the last 7 weeks we have had 2 window visits and we’ve seen a rapid decline in her physical and emotional state. 2 weeks ago she had another cardiac event and returned to hospital to be rehydrated. We, her family have had varying updates about her, we weren’t told by the hospital she had a cardiac event, I asked for a medical update but none was forthcoming. When she returned to the nursing home I asked staff there and they told me. It feels like Mum belongs to the system now, not us and I’m devastated. For the last week Mum has been refusing food, medication and all but the tiniest amount of fluids. She purses her lips and refuses even the smallest mouthful. I had a FaceTime with her today. She was slumping bed, mouth agape and only one eye open. I don’t think she even knew who I was as she made no response at all. I’ve been told that when the time comes me, Dad and my brother can have 15 minutes with her, individually, not together, to say goodbye. I can’t bear the thought of her passing away without her loved ones being with her. It’s making an awfully sad situation 10 times worse. How come I can go to the shops, the pub, but I can’t see my Mum and comfort her as she leaves us? I don’t know what to do. I feel like we’ve abandoned her and worry that she will think that too. It’s so unfair. What can I do? Please help me.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
220
My darling Mum is at the end stage of dementia. She had a silent heart attack about 8 weeks ago and wasn’t well enough to return home. She was placed is nursing home we knew nothing about, in the last 7 weeks we have had 2 window visits and we’ve seen a rapid decline in her physical and emotional state. 2 weeks ago she had another cardiac event and returned to hospital to be rehydrated. We, her family have had varying updates about her, we weren’t told by the hospital she had a cardiac event, I asked for a medical update but none was forthcoming. When she returned to the nursing home I asked staff there and they told me. It feels like Mum belongs to the system now, not us and I’m devastated. For the last week Mum has been refusing food, medication and all but the tiniest amount of fluids. She purses her lips and refuses even the smallest mouthful. I had a FaceTime with her today. She was slumping bed, mouth agape and only one eye open. I don’t think she even knew who I was as she made no response at all. I’ve been told that when the time comes me, Dad and my brother can have 15 minutes with her, individually, not together, to say goodbye. I can’t bear the thought of her passing away without her loved ones being with her. It’s making an awfully sad situation 10 times worse. How come I can go to the shops, the pub, but I can’t see my Mum and comfort her as she leaves us? I don’t know what to do. I feel like we’ve abandoned her and worry that she will think that too. It’s so unfair. What can I do? Please help me.
It is terribly sad and difficult. Because covid spreads so easily in care homes they and their residents are specially protected, in a way that is not justified for everyday life. I have had only window visits with my mother. Some homes will make special arrangements for the very end. Best wishes.
 

Cazzita

Registered User
May 12, 2018
591
It's really devastating that you can't be with your mum as you would be under normal circumstances. I am so sorry. It seems like nothing but it is slightly better than nothing at all. Hope she passes peacefully and remember, she will likely know that she is loved by you all x