1. Suemarc

    Suemarc Registered User

    Nov 1, 2016
    Hello everybody, I’m in serious need of some guidance. My mother has FTD, although she claims there is nothing wrong with her,. She was living in a flat with carers but it soon became apparent that this wasn’t able to sustain this as she was a danger to herself and other residents. She accused carers of stealing, she accused me of stealing. In fact I was public enemy number one. She was causing problems with her mood swings. In November 2017 a ‘best interest’ meeting was held and it was decided unanimously that my mother lacked mental capacity, and needed full time residential care. I agreed as I wanted her to be safe in her surroundings. Her social worker and myself then started to find somewhere suitable, I visited some not very nice places, but I knew of a new care home where my mother and myself had lived for over 60 years, with her favourite ever views of the surrounding area. It was new, clean and like a 5 star hotel... it had my mother’s name written all over it.. I knew she wouldn’t be totally happy there, as it wasn’t her flat. She has had a DOls in place more or less since she’s been a resident, sometimes I’ve had to really fight for this, as you just knew she was going to be ok on the day the visit was taking place. Her moods and aggression are now ten times worse, the home completes a behaviour record daily, she scares the other residents, and just generally causes mayhem, she’s really rude to carers, and no matter where she has been there is always a ‘victim’ carer who is nasty to her, trying to poison her, won’t have any tea etc made for her, because everyone is out to get her. She says that none of the other residents like her.. which is a load of rubbish. So she eats alone in her room. The last time she went out with the home, she tried to get out of the car whilst it was w moving. Last time I took her shopping, she was so rude, it was so embarrassing. I can’t bring her to my house, as she’s now decided that she hates my husband, who has been so good to her in the past..Everything has been ok, I just take every day as it comes, if Mum is bad I don’t stay around for long, as it makes her worse. Then on my visits she started taking about this very nice lady coming to see her, it was actually an advocate, who started telling my Mother she could do whatever she wants, she can get her moved back into a flat tomorrow, she said she had about six properties that would be suitable for her, of course my Mother is believing every word, and when I challenged it saying it wasn’t actually correct, of course I’m the devils advocate. I eventually tracked down the advocate, and confronted her, she said it wasn’t true, in the conversation she said by the way I’m helping your mother go to the Court of Protection, paid for by legal aid, I did go a bit mad, she says my mother isn’t happy where she is, and a DOls should not be in place so she can go out shopping , in town . I said my mum won’t be happy wherever she is, and if you let her out on her own she’d end up killing herself as she would be totally disorientated. She replied that I didn’t obviously know my mum I was so angry. The solicitor went to see my mum without my knowledge, my mum claims that the carers are abusing her mentally and physically, and my husband tried to kill her in her flat .., totally untrue on both counts! I’ve complained to the advocates employer, but was told the advocate is following procedure. My mother would be suicidal in another old residential home. I need help... she might be following procedures, but how about a bit of common sense, surely she should have read all the old notes, surely we should have had an informal meeting before going to court. My mother doesn’t speak to me know, she’s taken my mother away from me... I’m heartbroken!
  2. Baker17

    Baker17 Registered User

    Mar 9, 2016
    I well understand why you are heartbroken, my husband was appointed and an advocate and a solicitor paid for by legal aid to go to the COP. The advocate went by what my husband said he wanted to do, it is his human right evidently to decide even though he doesn’t have capacity to decide anything. The advocate never spoke to me read any notes or followed up on his medical history. There should be what they call round table meetings with SS involved before going to court to try and come to a decision about your mother, mine ended up in court unfortunately and the outcome was not what was best for him, I’m sorry to have tell you this news and really hope that you can get what you know is the best outcome for your mother. I am totally disgusted that these people can march into our lives and dictate what will happen without knowing anything of the history. I did put a complaint in about the advocate but as a manager of the company she worked for dealt with the complaint you can imagine what the outcome was! After she’d got her way she never visited my husband I’ve been left to pick up the pieces of the distress she has caused my husband, good luck and take care x
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi @Suemarc
    what a horrible situation for you to be facing

    maybe Admiral Nurses might be able to help you

    or an advisor on the Dementia Helpline

    are you able to talk with the care home manager who may be able to help you with instances of your mother's behaviour and lack of understanding of her situation ... backed up by the results of the best interests meeting ... and the fact that the advocate isn't taking in that your mother has 'lied' about their conversations ... evidence that you can provide for the COP

    sorry to not really be of help
  4. BluTinks

    BluTinks Registered User

    Dec 7, 2018
    I’m in your situation. I’m glad you posted can’t give any help but glad i’m Not the only one
  5. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    So why has an Advocate suddenly been asked to go in and see your mother, who said she needed one? If she was already in the Care home with the agreement of social services I would be wanting to know who had decided she suddenly had reason to be moved out.
  6. Louise7

    Louise7 Registered User

    Mar 25, 2016
    #6 Louise7, Aug 19, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019
    The input from an advocate is possibly as a result of a Dols review. I wonder if mother is now deemed to have mental capacity? I think if I were the OP I'd be speaking to the home manager to clarify if they want her to leave the home. It may well be like a '5 star hotel' 'but if mother's behaviour/aggression is now ten times worse than when she arrived there it's very possible that they are not suited to dealing with this type of resident. It's the care provided and ability of the home to meet the resident's needs which is important so don't automatically write off a home which isn't like a 5 star hotel. Myself and others here have experience of homes which were shabby décor wise but had a good standard of care so don't let appearances put you off. Do you have power of attorney for health & welfare?
  7. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    Hi @Suemarc, what a horrible situation to find yourself in. Like your my mother has been a challenge to her '5 star hotel' like care home since she moved in, and like yours she claims she could go out, live independently etc. I think an honest chat with the care home manager is the way to go. It might well be that the home isn't meeting her needs. It might have been the sort of place your mum would have loved when she was well, but maybe now she needs something different.

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