My mam has dementia, she caught COVID and got COVID delirium. She fell at home and is now in a care home. I visited her this morning and she wouldn’t look at me and said she was really disappointed in me because she is in a care home. I am at my wits end she is so horrible to me I’m finding it very hard to cope. She accuses me of things I haven’t done I try to explain I haven’t done them. I know she can’t understand but I don’t know how to explain to her I haven’t done the things she says I have done.
I’m at my wits end
- Thread starter Gill17
- Start date
Hello and welcome @Gill17
That must be very distressing for you. If your mam hasn't been in residential care for long maybe a period of settling in will calm things down - it often does. I know people are sometimes advised to refrain from visiting for a while to let this happen.
Explaining things is not likely to be possible so trying that may just make the situation worse. There is a useful thread with tips about communication and you can find that by clicking the link below.
I hope you can stick around the forum as you will get support from people who understand dementia
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
That must be very distressing for you. If your mam hasn't been in residential care for long maybe a period of settling in will calm things down - it often does. I know people are sometimes advised to refrain from visiting for a while to let this happen.
Explaining things is not likely to be possible so trying that may just make the situation worse. There is a useful thread with tips about communication and you can find that by clicking the link below.
I hope you can stick around the forum as you will get support from people who understand dementia
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
@Gill17 It's a huge shock when this happens. My dad ended up in hospital with pneumonia and he was fine while I was with him and in A&E apart from being a bit confused. The following day he was awful to me and accused me of a lot of untrue things. It was very upsetting especially as I was the person who had spent the last two years looking after him. This lasted a few days and he went almost back to his old self and stopped the accusations. I think with dad it was partly the very strong antibiotics that he was on but mostly the delirium and the fact that he didn't know where he was.
As far as dad was concerned I was the devil and a nasty piece of work. I was actually frightened that he would die with these thoughts in his head and it is very difficult to deal with. It's not your mum saying this it is the effects of the delirium and the move. I hope she gets better very soon and back to normal.
As far as dad was concerned I was the devil and a nasty piece of work. I was actually frightened that he would die with these thoughts in his head and it is very difficult to deal with. It's not your mum saying this it is the effects of the delirium and the move. I hope she gets better very soon and back to normal.
Hello @Gill17 Welcome to the forum.
Can I suggest you don`t visit for a while and give your mother a chance to settle. Discuss this with the staff and see what they say.
Not only does your mum have dementia but she has also had COVID and Delirium. All these illnesses will contribute to an increase in confusion and it might take a while for her to recover.
I`m sure it`s very upsetting for you and a break from visiting might help you too.
Can I suggest you don`t visit for a while and give your mother a chance to settle. Discuss this with the staff and see what they say.
Not only does your mum have dementia but she has also had COVID and Delirium. All these illnesses will contribute to an increase in confusion and it might take a while for her to recover.
I`m sure it`s very upsetting for you and a break from visiting might help you too.
Hi @Gill17 and a welcome to the Forum from me too. I moved mum to a care home very much against her wishes. It was either that or wait for a crisis to happen and I felt it was better for mum to be upset at me rather than sectioned or in hospital after an accident. As it was though she thought I'd come to take her home every time she saw me, the person she blamed was my 'nasty boyfriend'. She also claimed he had stolen all her money. I don't have a 'nasty boyfriend' just a rather nice husband, and he had nothing to do with the decision to move mum and certainly hadn't stolen her money.
You've had some great advice so far, I think changing the subject using compassionate communication is a good thing to do, though I found it tricky when mum was very focused on wanting to leave or on the nasty boyfriend. In the end I could spot when she was starting on another obsession, for instance that nasty boyfriend was my lovely and long dead uncle Eric, and quickly stop reminiscing about him and change the subject.
I also think not visiting for a week or two may help. In pre-covid times I made sure I visited when there was an activity going on, so I could help her join in. I also slipped away when she went to the loo or to lunch rather than saying goodbye.
This forum is such a useful place, using the search bar at the top will bring up similar threads that may be of interest. Some will be old, and the posters not around any more, but they'll still have good ideas on coping with this very tricky situation.
You've had some great advice so far, I think changing the subject using compassionate communication is a good thing to do, though I found it tricky when mum was very focused on wanting to leave or on the nasty boyfriend. In the end I could spot when she was starting on another obsession, for instance that nasty boyfriend was my lovely and long dead uncle Eric, and quickly stop reminiscing about him and change the subject.
I also think not visiting for a week or two may help. In pre-covid times I made sure I visited when there was an activity going on, so I could help her join in. I also slipped away when she went to the loo or to lunch rather than saying goodbye.
This forum is such a useful place, using the search bar at the top will bring up similar threads that may be of interest. Some will be old, and the posters not around any more, but they'll still have good ideas on coping with this very tricky situation.
Hi @Gill17 , sorry to hear about your Mum. It’s so hard on you too. My Dad has had vascular dementia for the last 5 years and had a fall about 4 weeks ago. This had followed a major outburst in terms of his behaviour. They diagnosed delirium whilst he was in hospital but given he has severe mobility issues as well was discharged and admitted to a care home for at least 3-4 weeks respite. He was fine at the care home the first night but had another major behavioural issue the next day and demanded to leave the care home. Eventually the Community Psychiatrist went to the care home and had him re-admitted to hospital. After another week he was discharged but this time came home on my Mother’s wishes. She is 80yrs old and this is a real struggle for her as his primary carer. Every time we discussed a care home my Father says we’re trying to have him ‘locked away’. My sister and myself know this is probably the better way forward for my Mum’s sake but it’s so difficult now he’s back home. In essence what I’m trying to say it that you are doing the right thing for your Mum, no matter how hard it seems. You have her best interests & care in your heart and mind and no matter what you’re doing the best for her you can. There comes a point where care at home can become impossible and the person is more of a risk to themselves at home. My Mum is constantly worried that my Dad will try and climb the stairs and have another fall. This whole thing has also had a huge impact on myself and my Sister’s own mental health as well.
Stick with it and I’m sure in time your Mum will settle in and feel more comfortable in her surroundings. You’ve being a wonderful daughter by caring so much about her ?, Marty
Stick with it and I’m sure in time your Mum will settle in and feel more comfortable in her surroundings. You’ve being a wonderful daughter by caring so much about her ?, Marty
My mum has been a bit like that too. She told her friend that my husband and I said that they weren't welcome at our house - we have never said that! She has also been asking me a lot recently where her money is and it worries me to death that she might tell someone that we have her money. All the money she has is in her bank account and I don't have access to this (still waiting for the POA to be registered). She's moving into an independent living complex next week so I'm going to leave her to settle for a week or so before visiting her. Hopefully she'll be happy and distracted!
