I’m at breaking point

Mel23

New member
Jun 18, 2024
3
0
My mom has mixed dementia diagnosed a year and a half ago. She lives alone and recently has started having carers 4 times a day. She has never been much of a mom tbh but I have taken on the responsibility of everything appointments, dealing with GP, carers, pharmacy, shopping, ordering her ready meals and dealing with bills. She constantly bad mouths me to anyone that will listen saying I don't visit her etc which is fine I get she never liked me and accept this is part of the disease. What I really can not deal with is the lies she tells the carers mainly that my youngest daughter is a tart who sleeps around and brings boys home completely untrue. Shes always favoured my eldest daughter and treated my youngest terribly even before the diagnosis but to say such things to a complete stranger is unforgiveable. She recently started bad mouthing my husband saying I can’t understand why you married him he's thick and stupid just like your daughter. She constantly tells carers what a terrible mother I am which is rich coming from her. I’m literally at the point of walking away I have done so much taken unpaid leave from work to look after her but nothing is ever enough. My brother who does nothing for her is the golden boy, I’m thinking that walking away would make her realise but I know my brother won’t step up so I'm stuck.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,688
0
Kent
Welcome @Mel23

No law says you have to take responsibility for your mother`s care. You obviously have a conscience and doing what your conscience dictates will be enough.

This is what I did for my mother. I did what was necessary to keep her safe and fed but refused to accept any verbal abuse. When it happened I walked away.

I have taken on the responsibility of everything appointments, dealing with GP, carers, pharmacy, shopping, ordering her ready meals and dealing with bills.

You can still do all these things but don`t need to wait for opinions or criticisms.

Have you been able to get power of attorney [LPA] ?
 

Alice_M

Staff Member
Staff member
Aug 15, 2022
1,150
0
Hi @Mel23 and welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're going through with your mom. It's clear that you're going above and beyond to take care of her, even though it's incredibly challenging. Remember to take care of yourself too during this difficult time.

You will find plenty of support and understanding from other members here.
 

Paulokc

New member
Jun 19, 2024
3
0
My mom has mixed dementia diagnosed a year and a half ago. She lives alone and recently has started having carers 4 times a day. She has never been much of a mom tbh but I have taken on the responsibility of everything appointments, dealing with GP, carers, pharmacy, shopping, ordering her ready meals and dealing with bills. She constantly bad mouths me to anyone that will listen saying I don't visit her etc which is fine I get she never liked me and accept this is part of the disease. What I really can not deal with is the lies she tells the carers mainly that my youngest daughter is a tart who sleeps around and brings boys home completely untrue. Shes always favoured my eldest daughter and treated my youngest terribly even before the diagnosis but to say such things to a complete stranger is unforgiveable. She recently started bad mouthing my husband saying I can’t understand why you married him he's thick and stupid just like your daughter. She constantly tells carers what a terrible mother I am which is rich coming from her. I’m literally at the point of walking away I have done so much taken unpaid leave from work to look after her but nothing is ever enough. My brother who does nothing for her is the golden boy, I’m thinking that walking away would make her realise but I know my brother won’t step up so I'm stuck.
 

Paulokc

New member
Jun 19, 2024
3
0
My mother has said some outlandish things such as she’s really, not my mother I was her sister‘s child and she raised me as her own and they really didn’t want me in the first place. I only work part time but I’m going to have to give that up as well because I can’t be away from her for eight hours without her going outside and walking down the street looking for neighbors that died 50 years ago. I am also at my wits end.
 

LewyDementiaCarer

Registered User
Mar 5, 2024
87
0
Take a deep breathe, it's okay to be not involved if you don't have a close relationship and it is causing extreme distress to you, your mom, and other family members. I would say sit back and try to get an idea of how involved YOU want to be, in a way that feels right for YOU. (That may be just as much as arranging carers/home as needed and only visiting on emergencies or when you feel the time is right). But the point is, it's your decision to make, and there are no right or wrong answers, only how you feel.

As long as your mom is being taken good care of, kept safe & clean and comfortable, you are doing your part. We can't convince a PWD to feel differently to how they feel, we can only try to connect with them in an authentic way, which requires empathy in face of illusion, and for that you need to be well rested, calm, and accepting of all their emotions, even if it makes no sense.

You've clearly done a lot for your mom, and are needing a good break. So long as she has appropriate care around her, take a step back and allow yourself to focus on your family & hobbies etc, and get some R&R as needed.
 

333pjb

Registered User
Jun 17, 2024
22
0
Be reassured your continued loyalty will help you when your Mum's journey is finally over and you have done all you could despite the negative tirade.
It Is part of the disease. An aunt of mine had dementia and I was always the "golden boy" for all my younger years. When she got sick she would constantly bad mouth her daughter, who had moved over to live in with her and be her carer. She still insisted when I visited we were there to take her money and keep her locked up. It wasn't just one comment but constantly every time I visited.

Some siblings don't want to disrupt their "cushy" lives and it often gets left with the burden falling on mostly one person. You could suggest a bit more effort starting occasionally, whilst you are there, but every so often, whilst you go to the shops. It will demonstrate what you are having to put up with.

You needn't worry about carer's thinking what is said is true, they will get this every day and if they have spoken to you or met you they are a very good judge of character. It can by disheartening, when you are putting in all the effort, and not pleasant for those with you who would be willing to visit.

One approach is to ignore all what's said and not acknowledge anything was said (to you) but reply with a completely different subject. Another approach to try is to bring any conversation back to something they know and remember (but positive). "what do you think your Dad/Mum was most proud about you when you were young?" - Hard to resist reply and gives them a chance to think back and reminisce. It is hard to keep up, but this will befit your mental resilience as well as (if responded to), will remind you of there were times when your mum was happy and didn't want to lash out.

and remember - IT IS part of the disease
Best wishes,
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
6,968
0
My mother has said some outlandish things such as she’s really, not my mother I was her sister‘s child and she raised me as her own and they really didn’t want me in the first place. I only work part time but I’m going to have to give that up as well because I can’t be away from her for eight hours without her going outside and walking down the street looking for neighbors that died 50 years ago. I am also at my wits end.
Hello @paulock I am so sorry to read about the hard time that you are having. Sometimes people with dementia say things that are not true, do you think that this could be the case regarding your mother. I would suggest that you try not to give up your work if you can help it as it is giving you a break away from your caring duties.

I am assuming that you are based in the US due to your spelling of the word neighbors, if you were based in the UK I would suggest that you get into contact with social services to see what help would be available for you. However I have attached a link to the Alzheimer's Association in the US and would suggest that you contact them for advice. I have also attached a link to our help line and you might find it useful to contact them however please be aware of the time difference.

 

Paulokc

New member
Jun 19, 2024
3
0
Yes, I am in the United States and thank you for the links and thank you for the support
 

Mel23

New member
Jun 18, 2024
3
0
Thank you so much everyone for your responses. It has been hard to distinguish what is the dementia and what is her true personality. She has always been the type of person to bad mouth others behind their back so it is hard to work out if it’s the dementia or her. I have been a bit super sensitive the last few days as it was my dad’s anniversary Father’s Day and his birthday non of which she acknowledged which was hard. However it is reassuring to hear that it isn’t just my mom who does this and it is the dementia. I’ve decided not to visit every week and go every other week to allow myself time to reset. A full time job and my own family is challenging to balance with my mom as well so I think this way I’ll get some much needed away time. My brother has agreed to visit her twice per week as usual and be more at hand to help and has acknowledged that I’m overdoing it. Hopefully this should help. Once again thank you all
 

DB

Registered User
Feb 24, 2024
25
0
Ashford, kent
My mom has mixed dementia diagnosed a year and a half ago. She lives alone and recently has started having carers 4 times a day. She has never been much of a mom tbh but I have taken on the responsibility of everything appointments, dealing with GP, carers, pharmacy, shopping, ordering her ready meals and dealing with bills. She constantly bad mouths me to anyone that will listen saying I don't visit her etc which is fine I get she never liked me and accept this is part of the disease. What I really can not deal with is the lies she tells the carers mainly that my youngest daughter is a tart who sleeps around and brings boys home completely untrue. Shes always favoured my eldest daughter and treated my youngest terribly even before the diagnosis but to say such things to a complete stranger is unforgiveable. She recently started bad mouthing my husband saying I can’t understand why you married him he's thick and stupid just like your daughter. She constantly tells carers what a terrible mother I am which is rich coming from her. I’m literally at the point of walking away I have done so much taken unpaid leave from work to look after her but nothing is ever enough. My brother who does nothing for her is the golden boy, I’m thinking that walking away would make her realise but I know my brother won’t step up so I'm stuck.
@Mel-123, sorry to hear your experience. I get told servant (me) is awful & thats bad enough to hear. Have you spoken carers ? I am sure they are professional enough to know what is going on
 

Mel23

New member
Jun 18, 2024
3
0
@Mel-123, sorry to hear your experience. I get told servant (me) is awful & thats bad enough to hear. Have you spoken carers ? I am sure they are professional enough to know what is going on
The carers that I do see when I visit will say oh your moms said some funny things today such as my brother stole her toilet cleaner and washing up liquid or that I’ve taken all her net curtains which we laugh off. However the carer that she has said all the terrible things about my daughter is one I don’t see. Tbh I’m pretty sure they’ve heard all sorts and know it’s not true is just so hard to hear. She never does it to our faces always nice as anything. We have cctv in her house mainly to keep an eye on her as she lives alone and obviously for her protection and to a certain extent to protect the carers as she accuses everyone of stealing things. Unfortunately it was by accident that this was heard over the cctv with my daughter in the same room as me so she heard it all too and was very upset by it. I had only checked to see if the carers were there because it was my daughters birthday and she wanted to ring her Nan to thank her for her card and money needless to say she didn’t ring after hearing that. Tbf now on I’m going to mute the cameras when checking as it just causes distress all round