Husband went out at 2.30 am and not back!

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
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My 82 yrs old undiagnosed husband is on waiting list for memory clinic. He is ok during the day but gets confused at night when he wakes to go to the toilet. He went out at 2,30 am going to meet his son who lives in London. When I tried to stop him he got aggressive with me.So he left home with his pack pack, his radio and glasses, nothing else. I thought he has gone round the block and will be back. It’s now 5.21 am and he is not back yet. It’s is daylight and was hoping he will find his way or asked for help. What do I do now call 101 or 999. He has done it in the past but always find his way back by asking but never in the middle of the night.
 

thistlejak

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
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@Jan48 - Call 999 - he is a vulnerable person and you need all the help the Police can provide - we had to do this with FIL when he had been missing for more than a couple of hours ( 3 times in 4 months ) - they were very professional and sympathetic to the situation. they will also report to Social services so that you are on their radar as well.
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
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Hello @Jan48 I hope that you phoned 999. Please keep is updated about your husband. This must be so worrying for you.
 

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
0
@Jan48 - Call 999 - he is a vulnerable person and you need all the help the Police can provide - we had to do this with FIL when he had been missing for more than a couple of hours ( 3 times in 4 months ) - they were very professional and sympathetic to the situation. they will also report to Social services so that you are on their radar as well.
Happy to report whilst I was on the phone with the police, he was found at 6 am wandering in town by the patrol car. I did hesitate to ring the Police but they were very nice and I explained why I waited over three hours to report the incidence. He did give the police his home address and let them in. He only had his keys with him, his radio and glasses. Did not want me to chat with them as he said they are very busy. In future I will hide the keys and tried to persuade him to stay in. He does not seem to remember the incidence. He seems fine and behaves as if nothing has happened.
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
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That must be a relief for you. You might have to take the keys out of the door at night, but still keep them handy for a quick exit if necessary.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
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Dorset
Well that’s a relief! Maybe you need to register him on the Herbert Protocol with the police incase it happens again, especially as he may use violence against you in future in his need to get out of the house. It could be safer for you to let him go.
 

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
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That must be a relief for you. You might have to take the keys out of the door at night, but still keep them handy for a quick exit if necessary.
I can leave the keys as he will wake me up and ask me to lock the door as he is taking the keys with him. My main concern is if I stop him he will get aggressive not physically yet. How can I call the police as he will have calm down by the time they arrive and will be nice to them? It’s the disease that is causing his behaviour, I do not want him to be more stressed by calling the police. I need to find the best way to cope. GP reluctant to give him sedation at night due to liver disease. He is ok during the day.
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
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I think that you need to call the police each time that he goes out and you are worried about him, what if he has an accident crossing a road or falls. Even if he is nice to the police when they find him that does not matter, he is safe.
 

Newbie 3

New member
Jan 2, 2024
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We have had the police a few times. The earlier you call them, the easier the job is for them and the better the outcome for you. The search area is smaller due to limited time for walking and the local police may also get to know him and in this way may see him if he goes out without you knowing. Never be frightened of contacting them, I have found them very helpful on each occasion
 

Izzy

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Aug 31, 2003
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Dundee
I’m so sorry to hear about what happened @Jan48.

I have every sympathy for how you must have been feeling. The same happened to my husband and he was missing from the early hours until about 10am. I was frantic. We had sniffer dogs in the house and everything!

You did absolutely the right thing in contacting the police. You might find it helpful to fill in a Herbert Protocol. It can be handed to the police if something similar happens again. It saves time in giving information about the person with dementia. This is the link to our one in Scotland but your own local police website should have one for your area. I think they are the same everywhere but it’s worth a look -

https://www.scotland.police.uk/spa-media/4kopmsyq/herbert-protocol-form.doc#:~:text=The%20Herbert%20Protocol%20is%20an,you%20must%20dial%20'999'.

This also explains what it’s all about -

 

TeacherSue

Registered User
May 5, 2024
11
0
My husband has early onset dementia and his wandering was off the scale. sometimes up to 35,000 steps a day! My local dementia team organised a tracker watch for him and I invested in some Apple Air Tags. (Other tags might me available I guess) I have these on the keys as he kept putting them down in the most random of places. But it means I can always tell where he is. He has carers now to enable me to continue working (I'm a teacher) who stay with him until he gets on the community transport to the day centre. But definitely get a Herbet Protocol as well. I also have a key ring with a QR code which I got from Etsy (other shops are available) which has my phone number on it.
 

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
0
Well that’s a relief! Maybe you need to register him on the Herbert Protocol with the police incase it happens again, especially as he may use violence against you in future in his need to get out of the house. It could be safer for you to let him go.

I wonder if there's a tracking device you can attach to the keys?
This is a good idea as he will always take his keys with him when he goes out. Will check this out thanks.
 

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
0
My husband has early onset dementia and his wandering was off the scale. sometimes up to 35,000 steps a day! My local dementia team organised a tracker watch for him and I invested in some Apple Air Tags. (Other tags might me available I guess) I have these on the keys as he kept putting them down in the most random of places. But it means I can always tell where he is. He has carers now to enable me to continue working (I'm a teacher) who stay with him until he gets on the community transport to the day centre. But definitely get a Herbet Protocol as well. I also have a key ring with a QR code which I got from Etsy (other shops are available) which has my phone number on it.
Keyring with a qr code sounds a great idea. Will check it out, is it key ring I need to search. I will get a Herbert Protocol next time, hopefully there won’t be as dealing with the police and the sorts of questions they ask are unbelievable. The policeman apologised for some of the irrelevant questions he had to ask.
 

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
0
I wonder if there's a tracking device you can attach to the keys?
What will the police do if you call them due to aggression? It will cause more harm if they put him in a cell. His outburst is usually short no physical yet but you never know,
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
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What will the police do if you call them due to aggression? It will cause more harm if they put him in a cell. His outburst is usually short no physical yet but you never know,
@Jan48 i don’t think that the police would put him in a cell, they are usually very good when people with dementia go wandering.
 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
415
0
What will the police do if you call them due to aggression? It will cause more harm if they put him in a cell. His outburst is usually short no physical yet but you never know,
When the police know it’s a dementia issue, the standard response is to involve mental health trained staff from the start. They’re trained to de-escalate. Aggression isn’t the same as being retrieved after wandering, and he’d most likely be taken to a hospital setting as a place of safety for assessment.
 

Alisongs

Registered User
May 17, 2024
709
0
My 82 yrs old undiagnosed husband is on waiting list for memory clinic. He is ok during the day but gets confused at night when he wakes to go to the toilet. He went out at 2,30 am going to meet his son who lives in London. When I tried to stop him he got aggressive with me.So he left home with his pack pack, his radio and glasses, nothing else. I thought he has gone round the block and will be back. It’s now 5.21 am and he is not back yet. It’s is daylight and was hoping he will find his way or asked for help. What do I do now call 101 or 999. He has done it in the past but always find his way back by asking but never in the middle of the night.
So sorry for you. Glad it's been resolved this time. A few ideas for the future...

Does he have a bus pass or other form of ID or a passport type photo you can take a photo of with your mobile, to identify him and pass to the authorities, if he wanders again?

Can your husband be persuaded to carry a mobile at all times? I keep going on about Doro mobile phones for the vulnerable (see doro.com) Complexity and facilities vary. (some models sold by Argos) My husband has a non smartphone with just a few spaces for named contacts. No alphanumeric keys. Lots of customisable features. Menu includes 999 and ICE. Allows all incoming calls and texts.
Best features: The panic button on the back, which shrieks, and also sends a text and dials a contact. (Some models do the same with fall detection) There is also a code you can text to the phone, which sends you a Google map of the location! Husband went on a walk alone so I tracked him! He's on a 10.00pcm PAYG sim. Worthit for peace of mind and the illusion of independence
 

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
0
When the police know it’s a dementia issue, the standard response is to involve mental health trained staff from the start. They’re trained to de-escalate. Aggression isn’t the same as being retrieved after wandering, and he’d most likely be taken to a hospital setting as a place of safety for assessment.
Thank you for your explanation. Very much appreciated.
 

Jan48

Registered User
Apr 25, 2022
175
0
So sorry for you. Glad it's been resolved this time. A few ideas for the future...

Does he have a bus pass or other form of ID or a passport type photo you can take a photo of with your mobile, to identify him and pass to the authorities, if he wanders again?

Can your husband be persuaded to carry a mobile at all times? I keep going on about Doro mobile phones for the vulnerable (see doro.com) Complexity and facilities vary. (some models sold by Argos) My husband has a non smartphone with just a few spaces for named contacts. No alphanumeric keys. Lots of customisable features. Menu includes 999 and ICE. Allows all incoming calls and texts.
Best features: The panic button on the back, which shrieks, and also sends a text and dials a contact. (Some models do the same with fall detection) There is also a code you can text to the phone, which sends you a Google map of the location! Husband went on a walk alone so I tracked him! He's on a 10.00pcm PAYG sim. Worthit for peace of mind and the illusion of independence
He does not use mobile even when he was younger and no memory issues. I cannot persuade him to carry one or use it, very old school and old fashioned. Will do my best it will not happen again, I always go with him for appointments, he only goes on his to the corner shop to buy his newspapers. The incident was partly my fault, I should have tried harder to calm him down but when you are woken up at 2 am you are not in the best mood. He is on the waiting for memory clinic but got a letter the waiting list is 9 months. It’s just night time but it does not happen every night. If he can sleep throughout the night there will be no incidences, he usually gets up twice during the night. He has an appointment for his diseased liver and will ask consultant about some sedation at night. Thanks very much for your advice.