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husband says I'm bullying; waiting on him hand and foot

MagG

New member
Mar 31, 2020
5
0
I'm also at the end of my tether but it's with my husband. He was diagnosed via video last August and was put on memantine earlier this year. He has CLL ( a blood cancer) and was diagnosed with Melanoma a couple of months back. He's being treated for both diseases by chemo , tablets and intravenous. His condition seems to be getting worse and I've just been accused of bullying him and loving the fact that I'm doing it. He wanted to come to the garden centre with me and I asked him to put on socks before we went. Was taking ages so I went upstairs to find him stark naked about to take a shower....."That's what you told me to do!" Anyway, got him dressed with a lot of help from me repeating instructions and physically putting his socks on. Went to centre, wanted ice cream but didn't want to go back in to get it. Sat in back of car on way home. Got in and he went to put a plastic bottle in bin, I reminded him which bin and he brought the bottle back in to the house and that's when I was accused of bullying. Told me he can manage on his own, so I've told him he could get on with it. Feel a bit guilty reacting like that, but I've waited on him hand and foot and it just boiled over today. There is no conversation, no physical contact, no empathy for how I might be feeling, so, so sad.
Am going to contact GP and the doctor who diagnosed him next week to see what, if anything can be done especially about the deterioration. No one seems to want to know after a person's been diagnosed do they?

Thank you to anyone who has read this.......any advice gratefully received.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
8,239
0
Bristol
Two things occur to me @MagG. Sorry, I should say I totally sympathise with your problems, life is getting hard at Sporran Towers over the past couple of years, too.
Have you got any outside help with personal care or any respite. Your local authority social care services can carry out a care needs assessment and a carers assessment where both of those and any other help you need can be discussed. Even a couple of hours with someone looking after your husband to give you time to yourself can make a difference.
The other one is covered by a compassionate communication thread I'll post a link too, but the main advice there is to go with the flow. I believe in recycling, but to keep the peace and give us both less stress it does not always matter. I appreciate in the heat of the moment that is easier said than done, but https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/ will hopefully give you some tips.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,555
0
Victoria, Australia
I have a couple of thoughts too.

My husband accuses me of bullying him too and says that I am always finding fault with him. In reality it is the other way around and I know how frustrating this can be. He also has total lack of empathy, little conversation and just the expectation that I will do everything that needs to be done. I lose it too occasionally and feel better for it too.

I will also say that your husband must be feeling pretty lousy with his condition so it is not surprising that he is behaving as he does.

Life gets a bit easier if you can avoid confrontation before it gets bad. I always think you need to be ten steps ahead of him just perhaps you might anticipate how a child is going to behave.

Ditch the guilt. You should only feel guilt if you have done something wrong and you haven't. Going down Guilty Road is not helpful for you and you need to see it for what it is.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,363
0
Kent
My husband used to say I was taking his independence away and this is what I think it is all about.

Compassionate communication as recommended by @nae sporran helps, but it still requires endless patience and isn`t as easy as it looks for exhausted carers.
 

MagG

New member
Mar 31, 2020
5
0
Thank you for your replies. Yesterday he had a blood test before his next chemo on Wednesday and insisted on sitting in the back seat of the car. I let him, though I felt I should get a taxi sign on the car!! Last night he was wandering, fully dressed and ready to go who knows where in the middle of the night, not just once but several times! Now I feel exhausted and he's as bright as a button!!!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,363
0
Kent
Perfectly normal I’m afraid @MagG snd not what you want to hear I know.

All concept of time is another lost skill and will resonate with most of us.
Sleeping tablets are frowned on by GPs snd I was told they would have a detrimental effect on mobility

sitting in the back seat of the car makes me think there is a detachment from reality.
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
822
0
South east
The chemo may be making him worse, so he may improve to some degree once it has ended and is out of his system.
My dad had Non Hodgkin Lymphoma return after his dementia diagnosis. He had been successfully treated 5 years earlier but he refused treatment because he couldn’t face the treatment and the numerous trips to the hospital. He would not have coped.
I think he would have agreed to treatment if he had not got dementia.
PWD find trips to hospital and GP disorientating and stressful.
His dementia definitely progressed and delirium started