Husband said some odd things to me lately. Any advice please.

[Bun]

I went to take my husband out to lunch 2day, as i was
Putting him in the, he said he wished he was dead. Every time I see him now he says that. The home assures me he is happy and settled, he either crys or beco mes annoyed with me when I take him back. Today I thought he had a funny turn In the car, asked did he feel unwell, he said it's in his head. No pain. So I took him back in the home, he was staggering a bit. He turned on me said I didn't want to see him, I travelled 5 miles. Carer took him in. Loved one was glaring at me. Home hasn't phoned, I will phone later. Wonderd if someone in the home had upset him, and he thought it was me( he has short term memory, very.). He has said some odd things to me lately. Any advice please.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Bun I'd take heart from what the staff tell you

it may be your husband is carrying an emotion from earlier in the day, or possibly is tired after his outing and taking that out on you ... sadly there came a time with dad that he was more unsettled by visits out than any enjoyment he had in going out, so we stayed in his care home where he felt comfortable

I hope you managed to talk with the staff about his 'funny turn'

 

[Bun]

Hi shredrech, I spoke to the home he is fine. I spoke to my husband on the phone, he was happy. 2night I phoned, spoke to him, he didn't want to speak to me. He has formed an attachment to another lady resident who he thinks is his wifë,( as well as me, he has 2 wives he thinks) he calls her by my name, she answers to it. When he went into care 10 months ago he became very friendly with her, the careers never told him she wasn't me, I think it was to help him to settle in, the home wouldn't allow me contact or see him for the first month (. Home was not in COVID lockdown) I am not allowed in the main building. I saw his bedroom, on the ground floor through the window for the first time in 10 months. He said didn't know what to do about this lady and me, and if I met her there would a fight and he wished he was dead. He doesn't how he feels about me anymore. He said to me last week when I took him out, what will she do when I take him back, I asked him what he meant, and he said she says to him were the ..... Hell have u bean, and who with. I have seen him in the conservetry on the outside of the building, have to make appointment for visit, but I don't to take him out, or have a test. Spoke to a career tonight about my husband and this lady, I was told she is very attractive has the same colour hair as myself, and they are never alone 2gether. I know there have been a couple of incedints with this lady when he first went in their. I thought we had a very happy marriage, 36 yes, I was his sole for 12 yes. I find this situation very distressing. Has anyone else experienced this situation. A few wks ago he was telling me how much he loved me and always would. ( I am not unattractive). Should I stop seeing him! Bun

 

[Chris100]

Bun. How sad for you. I really feel it for you.

 

[Bun]

Bless you Chris. Thank you, ever since my husband went into care, it's been more stressful then when he was at home, in a different way. Don't know how I can sort this out.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

What an awful, awful situation for you. It's bad enough when a loved one has to go into care without having to deal with this on top of everything.

But this is all about his dementia - it has nothing to do with your relationship with him or how attractive you or the other lady might be - please don't think that. He is deluded - completely deluded, and so - it seems - is the other lady and that is all down to dementia.

I would speak to the care home manager and explain how upsetting this is. Can you ask that he is moved to a different room or different part of the building? I know they say the two are not left alone together but I think you're entitled to ask that they are separated more permanently.

 

[canary]

This is indeed the dementia and it is more common than you would think - it crops up quite regularly on these boards. Its a confusion of persons - daughters often become sisters or mothers, sons often become husbands and complete strangers can become friends or relatives. Mum frequently thought that complete strangers were people she knew. She and another woman who moved into the care home at about the same time as mum, both became convinced that they had been friends since childhood. They both thought they had been to school together, worked together, been bridesmaid for each others wedding and finally moved to the care home together. All complete nonsense, but rather sweet, did no-one any harm and they remained firm friends until the end (they both passed away with 24 hours of each other). However, mum also became convinced that another male resident was her husband, who, in reality had died 30 years previously. It didnt help that this resident had the same Christian name as her late husband. He, however, was still married which, of course, caused problems and the care home worked very hard to keep them apart. Fortunately, the delusion passed and they became just friends.

Try not to take this personally - he is not rejecting you, he is just confused because of the dementia.

 

[Chris100]

Bless you Chris. Thank you, ever since my husband went into care, it's been more stressful then when he was at home, in a different way. Don't know how I can sort this out.

Bun
When I was first married I did not know what life would bring. We have to take what comes, I guess.
Chris