husband refuses to see a dr

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
hi , my husband is 80 in december , and for the past year he’s shown signs of dementia , he’s never been ill and has only been to drs for flu and covid vaccines , i know the logical thing is for him to see a dr ,, but he won’t go ,,,and he’s not the sort of man where you can say ” i think you need to see a dr as you are showing signs et etc , “ because he would flare up and refuse to accept it , and he wouldn’t take any medication, ,,,but just lately he’s become more difficult,, and says things like you didn’t tell me where you were going ,,, ( only more aggressively) but i know i did tell him ,,, he never ever swears but just lately he is , ,,, i can cope for now but my concern is ,,, where do i get help from in the future ,,, when his dr isnt even aware of the problem , ,,,,, i feel now like i’m going to be a prisoner in my home ,,max i’m afraid to leave him , he’s lost touch with all his mates over the years ,,, and it’s just been me my daughter and her family , ,,,, any advise will be gratefully recieved ,
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
5,459
0
Hi @Nanny1086. Welcome to dementia talking point. This is an issue that many partners have come across. Would it be possible for you to contact your husband's doctor and get them to call him in for a 'well man' check. Unfortunately if he refuses there is not a lot you can do to force him. It is also possible that he is aware that something is wrong and that is what is making him reluctant to go to the doctors.
Meanwhile please continue to post on here regarding your concerns, there is lots of good advice available from very knowledgeable people who have dealt with this particular issue.
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
Hi @Nanny1086. Welcome to dementia talking point. This is an issue that many partners have come across. Would it be possible for you to contact your husband's doctor and get them to call him in for a 'well man' check. Unfortunately if he refuses there is not a lot you can do to force him. It is also possible that he is aware that something is wrong and that is what is making him reluctant to go to the doctors.
Meanwhile please continue to post on here regarding your concerns, there is lots of good advice available from very knowledgeable people who have dealt with this particular issue.
hi ,thankyou for your reply ,i’ve actually just spoken to my sister who’s husband died 2 years ago with dementia , and she suggested the same thing ,,, im being selfish ,,,,because i don’t think i’ll be able to leave him on his own again now ,,, but i will speak to my dr and as you say see if she will call him for a checkup as he’s approaching 80 ,,,, sort of a routine thing ,,, and take it from there ,,, because my sister said ,,,he needs to registered with it before i can get any help , once again thank you for taking the time to reply ,
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,363
0
Newcastle
Hi @Nanny1086 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You'll find this to be a friendly and supportive community.
S ome subterfuge might be required but getting to a GP appointment is a key first step in putting a plan together. It would be helpful if you could write your concerns down and send them to the GP or discuss without your husband being present. Perhaps the GP practice could offer your husband a routine check-up that is offered to everyone approaching 80. It does not have to be strictly true just plausible enough to convince him. Attending by himself will not work so you need to be there too. The GP may decide to do a range of tests, including memory, either at the first or a follow-up appointment. Getting the issues recognised by the GP is a major step. I hope that you can achieve it
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
5,459
0
hi ,thankyou for your reply ,i’ve actually just spoken to my sister who’s husband died 2 years ago with dementia , and she suggested the same thing ,,, im being selfish ,,,,because i don’t think i’ll be able to leave him on his own again now ,,, but i will speak to my dr and as you say see if she will call him for a checkup as he’s approaching 80 ,,,, sort of a routine thing ,,, and take it from there ,,, because my sister said ,,,he needs to registered with it before i can get any help , once again thank you for taking the time to reply ,
You are not being selfish, if your husband has dementia you will need support but the only way you will get that is with a formal diagnosis.
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
Hi @Nanny1086 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You'll find this to be a friendly and supportive community.
S ome subterfuge might be required but getting to a GP appointment is a key first step in putting a plan together. It would be helpful if you could write your concerns down and send them to the GP or discuss without your husband being present. Perhaps the GP practice could offer your husband a routine check-up that is offered to everyone approaching 80. It does not have to be strictly true just plausible enough to convince him. Attending by himself will not work so you need to be there too. The GP may decide to do a range of tests, including memory, either at the first or a follow-up appointment. Getting the issues recognised by the GP is a major step. I hope that you can achieve it
hi , thankyou for taking the time to reply , subterfuge is the only way i’ll get him to a Drs ,,, so i’ll set that in motion firstly by writing things dow ie keep a diary of a couple of weeks ,and then i’ll go and talk to my gp and explain my concerns ,, but for to contact him by Letter stating he needs to go to the surgery for a routine 80 year olds check up , and i think your right about me going with him , if i can just get him registered would be a big help , thanks again ,
 

Pebblepebble

Registered User
May 29, 2022
38
0
I wrote to Mums doctor who called her for a health check. Doctor took BP, asked general questions etc. then asked Dad if he wanted to make any comments. That's when the memory issues were raised. She is booked for the memory clinic but doesn't suspect a thing - I made it very clear in my letter that the words dementia and alzheimers must not be mentioned. The doctor was very good. Now we wait.
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
I wrote to Mums doctor who called her for a health check. Doctor took BP, asked general questions etc. then asked Dad if he wanted to make any comments. That's when the memory issues were raised. She is booked for the memory clinic but doesn't suspect a thing - I made it very clear in my letter that the words dementia and alzheimers must not be mentioned. The doctor was very good. Now we wait
 

Mr.A

Registered User
Jun 5, 2021
73
0
You do need to have a talk with your doctor with your husband present if possible. Obviously I don't know the arrangements at your surgery/health centre but see if you can arrange a telephone appointment and discuss it first in this manner with your GP. Your GP will know best how to proceed from there and will probably arrange a face to face consultation with you both when again the GP knows how to turn the attention to your husband and then be in a position to diagnose and suggest the next course of action. I think you need to do this as quickly as possible so that at least you are able to keep some sort of control over a difficult situation. Don't hesitate to ask for help from anyone you think might be able to support you. You are going to need this anyway and the sooner the better. I hope you are able to solve your dilemma soon not only for your sake but your husbands as well.
You may find as I did that in the darkness and gloom there is a light which just needs switching on and sometimes someone needs to point you to the switch.
 
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Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
Hi , thanks for for you reply to my problem , what you have said makes sense and will be of a great help to me , and i think that’s what i shall put in my letter to my GP , Thankyou ,
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
hi pebble pebble , thanks for the reply , your wording in your letter makes a lot of sense and a good idea , thankyou ,
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
You do need to have a talk with your doctor with your husband present if possible. Obviously I don't know the arrangements at your surgery/health centre but see if you can arrange a telephone appointment and discuss it first in this manner with your GP. Your GP will know best how to proceed from there and will probably arrange a face to face consultation with you both when again the GP knows how to turn the attention to your husband and then be in a position to diagnose and suggest the next course of action. I think you need to do this as quickly as possible so that at least you are able to keep some sort of control over a difficult situation. Don't hesitate to ask for help from anyone you think might be able to support you. You are going to need this anyway and the sooner the better. I hope you are able to solve your dilemma soon not only for your sake but your husbands as well.
thankyou MrA , sadly my husband ,,although a loving husband ,,,is also an ex miner and a stubborn Geordie who has never had the need to see a dr except for vaccines flu and covid in all our 52 years of marriage , i’ve tried approaching the subject with him many times especially the last week or two as my sister has just been diagnosed, ,,, his reply is thank god we don’t have the problem,,,i’d get a load of pills and take them all if it was me ,,,, so a diagnosis to him personally ,,,,,?? so a diagnosis would be for my benefit rather than his ,,,, as Pebble pebble said i will ask GP not to use the words alzheimer’s or dementia to him , ,,,as it could,,,,
i appreciate your advise ,
 

Mr.A

Registered User
Jun 5, 2021
73
0
Yes, the diagnosis would probably benefit you but as well as him. It is unlikely the GP will use those words and will handle the situation very carefully. They are used to it. Please take that first step and make an appointment explaining the difficulty to your GP if you can speak to them. Don't put off any longer, it will not go away. I know and have experienced a similar situation but don't try to handle it alone. Get help now. I guarantee you will not regret it.
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
You do need to have a talk with your doctor with your husband present if possible. Obviously I don't know the arrangements at your surgery/health centre but see if you can arrange a telephone appointment and discuss it first in this manner with your GP. Your GP will know best how to proceed from there and will probably arrange a face to face consultation with you both when again the GP knows how to turn the attention to your husband and then be in a position to diagnose and suggest the next course of action. I think you need to do this as quickly as possible so that at least you are able to keep some sort of control over a difficult situation. Don't hesitate to ask for help from anyone you think might be able to support you. You are going to need this anyway and the sooner the better. I hope you are able to solve your dilemma soon not only for your sake but your husbands as well.
You may find as I did that in the darkness and gloom there is a light which just needs switching on and sometimes someone needs to point you to the switch.
thankyou
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
thankyou ive now arranged for a video call with my dr . unfortunately it’s not until 25th august . i know this dr she’s been very good in taking care me with my cancer treatment. so i know she will understand .
 

Mr.A

Registered User
Jun 5, 2021
73
0
Good, that's a start and I hope you get a satisfactory result. It's a pity you are having to wait as long for the video call. It may be worth just pushing a little bit to try to get an earlier appointment. Always worth a try and nothing to lose.
 
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Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,248
0
High Peak
Definitely send a letter to this doctor before the appointment. Detail all the behaviours you are concerned about and also describe your husband's attitude to doctors and dementia. Hopefully that way you'll avoid some problems...

Good luck!
 

Nanny1086

Registered User
Jul 24, 2022
72
0
Definitely send a letter to this doctor before the appointment. Detail all the behaviours you are concerned about and also describe your husband's attitude to doctors and dementia. Hopefully that way you'll avoid some problems...

Good luck!
Definitely send a letter to this doctor before the appointment. Detail all the behaviours you are concerned about and also describe your husband's attitude to doctors and dementia. Hopefully that way you'll avoid some problems...

Good luck!
Hi ,thanks for the reply, i have got an appointment on 25th august for my daughter and myself to explain the position we are in ,
will let you know how it goes ,