Husband put into care home

Wife B

Registered User
Oct 13, 2017
17
0
I have cared for my husband at home for many years when he managed to leave the house during a very hot spell before I had locked us in for the evening. After looking for him through the village I found him with a crowd of people around him. He had fallen down and cut his face badly and we were taken to hospital. He was kept in for 2 weeks then sent to a care home because they said he was too bad for me to look after again, and told me to get some rest and do things I would like to do for a change. Well I have tried to adapt to this, between visits to the care home to see him through a window, but he doesn’t seem to recognise me at all. He had forgotten I was his wife when here but after there being no visiting in the hospital he has completely forgotten everything. It has made me feel so unhappy because I cannot look after him any more or see inside where he is that I feel redundant and tearful when I leave him and most of the time. Does anyone know if this will wear off please?
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,842
0
leicester
I think most people feel like you do when the person they having been caring for have to go into a home I know I certainly did but I can’t imagine escalating that feeling with the coronavirus and the isolation that people are having to put up With now.
I do hope that you can start to find a new path for yourself in amongst the current situation..
 

dogdayafternoon

Registered User
Dec 30, 2017
185
0
I have something a little similar, my wife had a fall when shopping with me about the end of February, she was taken to hospital and a broken arm was diagnosed and she was set for discharge but could not stand up so she was admitted.
She was there for about three weeks and I visited every day, they transferred her to another hospital and i was viviting until they stopped visits.
She was then moved to a care home as the NHS wanted space for corvid victims, she was then moved to a rehab ward in another care home, they did allow garden visits so I got to see her a few times but as she was not making any progress she was moved to another care home 10 days ago but they do not have visits.
She does recognise me but does not seem to miss me now I can not visit, just two phone calls in 10 days, I feel a little lost with no direction, not even able to make any new friends because of the virus but luckily I have always had a positive attitude and believe things will work out so please try to be strong while you try to adapt to this new way of life, I am sure things will slowly improve, good luck and keep safe.
 

Wife B

Registered User
Oct 13, 2017
17
0
I have something a little similar, my wife had a fall when shopping with me about the end of February, she was taken to hospital and a broken arm was diagnosed and she was set for discharge but could not stand up so she was admitted.
She was there for about three weeks and I visited every day, they transferred her to another hospital and i was viviting until they stopped visits.
She was then moved to a care home as the NHS wanted space for corvid victims, she was then moved to a rehab ward in another care home, they did allow garden visits so I got to see her a few times but as she was not making any progress she was moved to another care home 10 days ago but they do not have visits.
She does recognise me but does not seem to miss me now I can not visit, just two phone calls in 10 days, I feel a little lost with no direction, not even able to make any new friends because of the virus but luckily I have always had a positive attitude and believe things will work out so please try to be strong while you try to adapt to this new way of life, I am sure things will slowly improve, good luck and keep safe.
Thank you for your reply, it has made me feel more positive about the situation and it seems I am better off than you in some ways with being able to have window visits. One thing did upset me yesterday when the care home rang to tell me they had taken my husband to hospital for an appointment for an invasive procedure without even telling me he had an appointment. They did apologise but it made me feel so redundant and I am sure he would have preferred me to be there as I always have taken him. I suppose it is a matter of them taking him over completely and I must get used to it, but it is hard just now. I do wonder if that is normal procedure with care homes. Good luck to you too and I hope you will soon be able to visit your wife.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,392
0
Dorset
Under normal circumstances I imagine most Care Homes would expect the resident’s family to take them to hospital for appointments, if for no other reason than they don’t normally have staff to spare, however under current restrictions on contacts they are having to cover it with their own staff members. I was expected to attend hospital with The Banjoman although his Care Home did have a lovely gentleman volunteer who was known as a “befriender” who would accompany residents to hospital appointments on the days he volunteered.
Do you have LPA for Health & Welfare in place? The Banjoman’s Care Home staff would never have not informed of any medical need.
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
64
0
East Yorkshire
Thank you for your reply, it has made me feel more positive about the situation and it seems I am better off than you in some ways with being able to have window visits. One thing did upset me yesterday when the care home rang to tell me they had taken my husband to hospital for an appointment for an invasive procedure without even telling me he had an appointment. They did apologise but it made me feel so redundant and I am sure he would have preferred me to be there as I always have taken him. I suppose it is a matter of them taking him over completely and I must get used to it, but it is hard just now. I do wonder if that is normal procedure with care homes. Good luck to you too and I hope you will soon be able to visit your wife.
Dear Wife B - I really feel for you and can honestly say I know how you feel. Only people in the same situation can genuinely say that. My husband has Lewy body dementia. We do not have carers and I am his only carer. During lockdown without family support and visits, things deteriorated. He became more confused etc and needed more help with every day tasks. 2 weeks ago I wondered if he had a urine infection. Long story but basically he was taken to hospital for tests where he has remained. No infections found and they now feel that I can no longer manage him at home. We are currently looking for a respite placement. I feel sad, empty, at fault etc. Keep strong and hope to hear from you again. x
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
64
0
East Yorkshire
Hi Wife B,
I’m so sorry to hear your sad story. It’s very sad. We have had similar with mum. She was admitted during lockdown, unable to visit her. Now she doesn’t know who we are, and is unable to do anything for herself. The speed of her deteriorating was a huge shock to us. She can’t communicate anymore, she wouldn’t sit with us, didn’t know us. We feel we’re not part of her life anymore, she just looks vacant and drugged to the eyeballs by the look of her eyes. Very distressing. We blame the covid isolation and no visitors allowed (understandably) that sped up her Alzheimer’s. We were told it’s unlikely to improve. Very sad. I hope your husband might recognise you
I totally agree with your lockdown theory. It took away family support, familiarity and routine. There are a lots more casualties than the number of people who have passed away.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
341
0
77
Central Scotland
I had my first garden visit with husband last week. He was totally uninterested, had no idea who I was and just sat there while I conversed with the carer and OH gave the odd nod or grunt when we spoke directly to him. I have not seen OH since March, except on very poor skype calls. During lockdown he was admitted to hospital for tests with a suspected stroke but reassured that it was 'only' a TIA. Consequently, when I saw him in the garden, he appears to have aged by at least 10 years. His face is 'drawn' and he is beardless (he has been a 'beardy' for 54 years) - really he looked nothing like MY beloved. When another Carer arrived to say visit over and lunch ready, OH said 'Thank God for that' and went away without a backward glance, laughing and joking with the Carer.

I was so upset when I went home that I couldn't even cry, but took a blinding headache. Later I did a checklist in my head - Is OH happy and contented in the Care Home? Is he well cared for and fed? Is he free of all worries about money, Covid, his own health? his family? The answer to all these questions is YES. I realise that I have done all I can to ensure that he is in the best, safest place - well cared for and happy. Meanwhile, I am kind of redundant, almost a widow. The only task left for me is to reassure the family that all is well with their Father/Grandpa and I suppose also to reassure them that I am fine (I'm not) so that they don't worry about either of us.
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
54
0
77
Watford
Have been reading all the comments from you all. My husband went into care home very suddenly in February following a spell in hospital. I still feel lost and have no purpose after looking after him for a long time and bring married for 55 years and of course what with this terrible virus I have seen so little of him. The home has been on lockdown for two weeks again but I am hoping to see him this week in the garden and for so little time (45 mins). He is being aggressive to the staff and was towards me when I last saw him. Such hard times for everyone. I wish I could stop crying all the time. I have lovely children but I try not to cry in front of them. Best wishes to you all xx
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
286
0
South East Coast.
Have been reading all the comments from you all. My husband went into care home very suddenly in February following a spell in hospital. I still feel lost and have no purpose after looking after him for a long time and bring married for 55 years and of course what with this terrible virus I have seen so little of him. The home has been on lockdown for two weeks again but I am hoping to see him this week in the garden and for so little time (45 mins). He is being aggressive to the staff and was towards me when I last saw him. Such hard times for everyone. I wish I could stop crying all the time. I have lovely children but I try not to cry in front of them. Best wishes to you all xx
I havent been on here for a very long time, before lockdown started but felt I must join this conversation as it's the same as I'm going through, so really feel for you all. My OH went into routine respite few weeks before lockdown with the the plan for him to stay 3 weeks, I was completely worn out and end of my tether. Then lockdown started and visits stopped, and obviously he didnt understand why I wasnt visiting. I would ring every day but he either didnt want to talk to me or if he did he spoke a lot of rubbish and i dont think he could follow my conversation. Hes now deteriorated so much that they told me he wouldn't be safe to come home. Hes had about 18 falls which have resulted in lots of carpet burns to his legs and face. 6 weeks ago he refused to come out of his room at all even for meals, he doesn't watch tv as cant follow it, doesn't read so he just sits 24/7 doing nothing. Hes now got really bad legs and feet and the nurse goes in every other day to dress them, he always took such good care of hes feet. They are heavyly bandaged with thick badging from knees to toes, been on lots of different antibiotics for past 6 weeks. He will come down in wheelchair for garden visit but it's always a very difficult visit, no conversation and him looking very down and angry and just waiting for visit to be over, then shouts in his difficult speech that he wants to go back to his room.So I'm always really upset on the 2 buses I have to get to go home. They say they cant force him to leave his room BUT SURLY there is something they can do.when he was mixing with other residents he was chatty and carers say he turned a quiz afternoon into a comedy show with his dry sense of humour. He being assessed tomorrow about staying there permanently, over the phone, talking to care home manager and trying to talk to OH they have already said he hasnt got CAPACITY to know what he wants but when the social worker spoke to him via video link last week he said he wanted to stay there in care home which I was quite shocked at.SORRY for long post but just wanted to say how sad I feel for everyone on here who's suffering the lockdown syndrome. It's so very sad and traumatic and I keep thinking IF he hadn't gone to respite when he did he might be still in bit better health albeit very difficult to care for, I'm 80 next year, so I feel so so bad and guilty that I didnt cope better.I must add that the home is lovely and the carers too, I'm sure they do all they can for him
 
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cumbria35

Registered User
Apr 24, 2017
89
0
I have cared for my husband at home for many years when he managed to leave the house during a very hot spell before I had locked us in for the evening. After looking for him through the village I found him with a crowd of people around him. He had fallen down and cut his face badly and we were taken to hospital. He was kept in for 2 weeks then sent to a care home because they said he was too bad for me to look after again, and told me to get some rest and do things I would like to do for a change. Well I have tried to adapt to this, between visits to the care home to see him through a window, but he doesn’t seem to recognise me at all. He had forgotten I was his wife when here but after there being no visiting in the hospital he has completely forgotten everything. It has made me feel so unhappy because I cannot look after him any more or see inside where he is that I feel redundant and tearful when I leave him and most of the time. Does anyone know if this will wear off please?
I am in a similar position, my husband had a stroke and was in hospital for 12 days before coming home with the tail end of a urine infection, first two days and nights were fine then he became very confused one night wanting to go to work and didn’t know who I was. Following another disturbed night and concerns for my health (I had a heart attack at Christmas) it was felt that he needed to go into care, this all happened within three days (he had only been at home a week with Carers coming in). I had called my daughter in panic after the first disturbed night (something I now regret). Despite knowing he is being looked after and has more company I feel that I didn’t have that private time with him before he went to the Care home. I have on,y seen him once behind glass panels and still can’t get used to the situation so understand how you feel. Visits are not being allowed at present only video calls. Takes some getting used to and certainly not easy, feel in limbo. My family have been wonderful but live three hours away. Hope you are getting used to it but probably finding it difficult to do all those things we are told we should do.
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
64
0
East Yorkshire
I had my first garden visit with husband last week. He was totally uninterested, had no idea who I was and just sat there while I conversed with the carer and OH gave the odd nod or grunt when we spoke directly to him. I have not seen OH since March, except on very poor skype calls. During lockdown he was admitted to hospital for tests with a suspected stroke but reassured that it was 'only' a TIA. Consequently, when I saw him in the garden, he appears to have aged by at least 10 years. His face is 'drawn' and he is beardless (he has been a 'beardy' for 54 years) - really he looked nothing like MY beloved. When another Carer arrived to say visit over and lunch ready, OH said 'Thank God for that' and went away without a backward glance, laughing and joking with the Carer.

I was so upset when I went home that I couldn't even cry, but took a blinding headache. Later I did a checklist in my head - Is OH happy and contented in the Care Home? Is he well cared for and fed? Is he free of all worries about money, Covid, his own health? his family? The answer to all these questions is YES. I realise that I have done all I can to ensure that he is in the best, safest place - well cared for and happy. Meanwhile, I am kind of redundant, almost a widow. The only task left for me is to reassure the family that all is well with their Father/Grandpa and I suppose also to reassure them that I am fine (I'm not) so that they don't worry about either of us.
Hi I am reading the above and it echoes my feelings. I have had a window visit with my husband today. He doesn't understand why I cant go inside, why I cant hug him or be together. I came away in tears and cant see a way through. Best wishes to all you feeling the same
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
23,131
0
Southampton
Thank you for your reply, it has made me feel more positive about the situation and it seems I am better off than you in some ways with being able to have window visits. One thing did upset me yesterday when the care home rang to tell me they had taken my husband to hospital for an appointment for an invasive procedure without even telling me he had an appointment. They did apologise but it made me feel so redundant and I am sure he would have preferred me to be there as I always have taken him. I suppose it is a matter of them taking him over completely and I must get used to it, but it is hard just now. I do wonder if that is normal procedure with care homes. Good luck to you too and I hope you will soon be able to visit your wife.
couldnt the hospital copy you in with the home so both recieve the appointments letters and results.
 

cumbria35

Registered User
Apr 24, 2017
89
0
I have cared for my husband at home for many years when he managed to leave the house during a very hot spell before I had locked us in for the evening. After looking for him through the village I found him with a crowd of people around him. He had fallen down and cut his face badly and we were taken to hospital. He was kept in for 2 weeks then sent to a care home because they said he was too bad for me to look after again, and told me to get some rest and do things I would like to do for a change. Well I have tried to adapt to this, between visits to the care home to see him through a window, but he doesn’t seem to recognise me at all. He had forgotten I was his wife when here but after there being no visiting in the hospital he has completely forgotten everything. It has made me feel so unhappy because I cannot look after him any more or see inside where he is that I feel redundant and tearful when I leave him and most of the time. Does anyone know if this will wear off please?
I sympathise with you as my husband was admitted to a Care home after a spell in hospital and it was deemed too much for me to look after him because of my health situation, I too have never been inside the place and only see him through a glass panel and speaking through the phone. He seems to have forgotten me too and like you I find it utterly heart breaking not to be able to hold his hand or give him a hug. Christmas and birthdays were dreadful. By the time we are able to meet I don’t know how I will cope with the situation. Take care and hope we get to meet our husbands in the near future. X
 

cumbria35

Registered User
Apr 24, 2017
89
0
I have cared for my husband at home for many years when he managed to leave the house during a very hot spell before I had locked us in for the evening. After looking for him through the village I found him with a crowd of people around him. He had fallen down and cut his face badly and we were taken to hospital. He was kept in for 2 weeks then sent to a care home because they said he was too bad for me to look after again, and told me to get some rest and do things I would like to do for a change. Well I have tried to adapt to this, between visits to the care home to see him through a window, but he doesn’t seem to recognise me at all. He had forgotten I was his wife when here but after there being no visiting in the hospital he has completely forgotten everything. It has made me feel so unhappy because I cannot look after him any more or see inside where he is that I feel redundant and tearful when I leave him and most of the time. Does anyone know if this will wear off please?
I sympathise with you as my husband was admitted to a Care home after a spell in hospital and it was deemed too much for me to look after him because of my health situation, I too have never been inside the place and only see him through a glass panel and speaking through the phone. He seems to have forgotten me too and like you I find it utterly heart breaking not to be able to hold his hand or give him a hug. Christmas and birthdays were dreadful. By the time we are able to meet I don’t know how I will cope with the situation. Take care and hope we get to meet our husbands in the near future. X
Thank you for your reply, it has made me feel more positive about the situation and it seems I am better off than you in some ways with being able to have window visits. One thing did upset me yesterday when the care home rang to tell me they had taken my husband to hospital for an appointment for an invasive procedure without even telling me he had an appointment. They did apologise but it made me feel so redundant and I am sure he would have preferred me to be there as I always have taken him. I suppose it is a matter of them taking him over completely and I must get used to it, but it is hard just now. I do wonder if that is normal procedure with care homes. Good luck to you too and I hope you will soon be able to visit your wife.
i am lucky that we are consulted when there is a health problem but not always me but usually my daughter, I have a hearing problem but would like to be consulted first. They are very caring with him but like you I feel somewhat isolated at times.
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
286
0
South East Coast.
I sympathise with you as my husband was admitted to a Care home after a spell in hospital and it was deemed too much for me to look after him because of my health situation, I too have never been inside the place and only see him through a glass panel and speaking through the phone. He seems to have forgotten me too and like you I find it utterly heart breaking not to be able to hold his hand or give him a hug. Christmas and birthdays were dreadful. By the time we are able to meet I don’t know how I will cope with the situation. Take care and hope we get to meet our husbands in the near future. X

i am lucky that we are consulted when there is a health problem but not always me but usually my daughter, I have a hearing problem but would like to be consulted first. They are very caring with him but like you I feel somewhat isolated at times.
I've been looking back on these very sad posts from couple months ago regarding our loved ones and the "lockdown syndrome it's so very sad and defastating how it's affected our precious partners, and families. My husband as I said in my previous post back in the summer really deteriorated in a big way. So much that the care home couldn't give him the care he needed anymore so he had to be transfered to a nursing home.. His legs were in a terrible state. all sores and massively swollen both of them. antibiotics weren't helping. I found a nursing home that looked lovely on paper but I wasn't allowed to look around it because of lockdown. The LA said they would find him somewhere and I would only have one choice, so I chose my own. ANYWAY my reason for this post is to say that after about 2 months in the nursing home his legs have cleared up bar a couple little sores quite minor. He goes to the lounge everyday he didn't do that before he's in a wheelchair now as his mobility has gone. The Christmas zoom call I had with him Christmas day he was happy. Smiling and trying to be chatty, his speech is very bad. So that made my Christmas so much better. Obviously now there in lockdown again but I feel much happier knowing he's much happier and getting the best care for him and the nursing home is a lovely place. I've gone from being so very upset and worried about him to feeling happy and worry free for him
 

DennyD

Registered User
Dec 6, 2016
264
0
Porthcawl, South Wales
I've been looking back on these very sad posts from couple months ago regarding our loved ones and the "lockdown syndrome it's so very sad and defastating how it's affected our precious partners, and families. My husband as I said in my previous post back in the summer really deteriorated in a big way. So much that the care home couldn't give him the care he needed anymore so he had to be transfered to a nursing home.. His legs were in a terrible state. all sores and massively swollen both of them. antibiotics weren't helping. I found a nursing home that looked lovely on paper but I wasn't allowed to look around it because of lockdown. The LA said they would find him somewhere and I would only have one choice, so I chose my own. ANYWAY my reason for this post is to say that after about 2 months in the nursing home his legs have cleared up bar a couple little sores quite minor. He goes to the lounge everyday he didn't do that before he's in a wheelchair now as his mobility has gone. The Christmas zoom call I had with him Christmas day he was happy. Smiling and trying to be chatty, his speech is very bad. So that made my Christmas so much better. Obviously now there in lockdown again but I feel much happier knowing he's much happier and getting the best care for him and the nursing home is a lovely place. I've gone from being so very upset and worried about him to feeling happy and worry free for him
I'm pleased I just read your experience. It has been my fear this last week that my husband will deteriorate since he's been taken into emergency respite just over a week ago. I've not been able to see him but have spoken to staff. There are of course a multitude of issues that worry me, and even though I had reached burn-out and see why we both needed a break away from each other, I fear that in the event he should return home, the situation will be worse and I will not be able to cope. For one he remains on the same meds which I believe are doing the opposite to what they are supposed to. He's still in the assessment stage so I'm waiting to hear when there will be a meeting to decide follow up care. I'd like him home again but worry for the both of us should there be no change in medication. So it was good to read your post that you have been able to accept this new stage in both yours and your husband's lives.
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
286
0
South East Coast.
I'm pleased I just read your experience. It has been my fear this last week that my husband will deteriorate since he's been taken into emergency respite just over a week ago. I've not been able to see him but have spoken to staff. There are of course a multitude of issues that worry me, and even though I had reached burn-out and see why we both needed a break away from each other, I fear that in the event he should return home, the situation will be worse and I will not be able to cope. For one he remains on the same meds which I believe are doing the opposite to what they are supposed to. He's still in the assessment stage so I'm waiting to hear when there will be a meeting to decide follow up care. I'd like him home again but worry for the both of us should there be no change in medication. So it was good to read your post that you have been able to accept this new stage in both yours and your husband's lives.
It really wasn't easy DennyD, after 6 years of caring for him and the last 18 months of him getting a lot worse, he went into respite a couple of times, but that was under a lot of suffrence from my husband.. He would always refuse to go, but each time I needed him to go fro a week it was because I had important hospital appointments with my daughter which was a long distance away as it was a specialist appointment so we had to stay in a B&B. I always felt very guilty and he made it very difficult for me saying some terrible things to me.. He really didn't like going to respite. But when he went to respite in Febuary he went with out a lot of fuss but I think it was because I was changing the bathroom from a bath to a walk in shower for him. It was going to take about 4 days and he was really happy to be getting that. Even the carers he had couldn't give him a shower as he couldn't step ovetbthr bath to get in the shower. He really disliked the carers anyway. So yes, he did that, we got a bit held up with shower as lockdown started so the care home agreed to keep him there for another week.. But he suddenly deteriorated and things all changed, he lost his speech and mobility he got very angry and aggressive. They put him on antidepressant.but they didn't really help.. Lots and lots of falls, bad cellulitis which he got from. abrasions he got on his legs after a fall in the night and the didn't know about till they found him. on the floor a long time after.. He was never the same after that. They couldn't heal his legs. Nurse came in twice a week but they just got worse. SO he was transferred to a nursing home, it was a worrying time. I wanted to bring him home but my family AND "s/S said he needed specialist care. It was really sad and worrying as it was lockdown still so I couldn't visit and he couldn't understand Vidio calls. BUT he's now settled and seems" happy " in his own world The new nursing home has mended his legs he's happy with the carer's there. The only sad thing is that he doesn't know why I'm. Not visiting him. As he has no idea what's going on in the outside world doesn't understand when I try to explain it to him.. SO DennyD. Its a very hard decision to make but sometimes that desicion is taken out of your hands and somebody or something else has to make it for you. And after a few months you realise that it was definitely the right one.. OK. There are days that the guilt fairy taps me on the shoulder and I get upset but my family and the nursing home tell me I've done the right thing. I'm now getting my life back. and feeling more relaxed without any worry even with being in T4
So good luck with everything DennyD I hope everything works out well. for you whatever way it turns out. I hope your partner gets the care HE needs and you get the life you deserve and you are happy with. It will be hard but you will. get through it but not without a lot of soul searching. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.
 

Herecomestrouble

Registered User
Dec 11, 2018
38
0
My heart goes out to you all, in a situation that I must brace myself for being in in future, much as I’ll try to keep my PH at home for as long as possible, as you all have done. One of the many things that bothers me about the idea however is that I was told by someone who works in a care home that the reason why residents don’t wander about and often stay in their rooms all day is that they are sedated, in order to be easier for staff to manage them ( with too few staff etc). I was utterly appalled, but also struggled to believe it given that lots of people talk more positively about their experience of care homes where their loved ones are.. I cannot help wondering whether “ unnecessary” medication is the cause, at least in part, of so many people deteriorating cognitively so badly once they are living in such homes.