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Husband put into care home

Wife B

Registered User
Oct 13, 2017
14
I have cared for my husband at home for many years when he managed to leave the house during a very hot spell before I had locked us in for the evening. After looking for him through the village I found him with a crowd of people around him. He had fallen down and cut his face badly and we were taken to hospital. He was kept in for 2 weeks then sent to a care home because they said he was too bad for me to look after again, and told me to get some rest and do things I would like to do for a change. Well I have tried to adapt to this, between visits to the care home to see him through a window, but he doesn’t seem to recognise me at all. He had forgotten I was his wife when here but after there being no visiting in the hospital he has completely forgotten everything. It has made me feel so unhappy because I cannot look after him any more or see inside where he is that I feel redundant and tearful when I leave him and most of the time. Does anyone know if this will wear off please?
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,786
leicester
I think most people feel like you do when the person they having been caring for have to go into a home I know I certainly did but I can’t imagine escalating that feeling with the coronavirus and the isolation that people are having to put up With now.
I do hope that you can start to find a new path for yourself in amongst the current situation..
 

dogdayafternoon

Registered User
Dec 30, 2017
163
I have something a little similar, my wife had a fall when shopping with me about the end of February, she was taken to hospital and a broken arm was diagnosed and she was set for discharge but could not stand up so she was admitted.
She was there for about three weeks and I visited every day, they transferred her to another hospital and i was viviting until they stopped visits.
She was then moved to a care home as the NHS wanted space for corvid victims, she was then moved to a rehab ward in another care home, they did allow garden visits so I got to see her a few times but as she was not making any progress she was moved to another care home 10 days ago but they do not have visits.
She does recognise me but does not seem to miss me now I can not visit, just two phone calls in 10 days, I feel a little lost with no direction, not even able to make any new friends because of the virus but luckily I have always had a positive attitude and believe things will work out so please try to be strong while you try to adapt to this new way of life, I am sure things will slowly improve, good luck and keep safe.
 

Wife B

Registered User
Oct 13, 2017
14
I have something a little similar, my wife had a fall when shopping with me about the end of February, she was taken to hospital and a broken arm was diagnosed and she was set for discharge but could not stand up so she was admitted.
She was there for about three weeks and I visited every day, they transferred her to another hospital and i was viviting until they stopped visits.
She was then moved to a care home as the NHS wanted space for corvid victims, she was then moved to a rehab ward in another care home, they did allow garden visits so I got to see her a few times but as she was not making any progress she was moved to another care home 10 days ago but they do not have visits.
She does recognise me but does not seem to miss me now I can not visit, just two phone calls in 10 days, I feel a little lost with no direction, not even able to make any new friends because of the virus but luckily I have always had a positive attitude and believe things will work out so please try to be strong while you try to adapt to this new way of life, I am sure things will slowly improve, good luck and keep safe.
Thank you for your reply, it has made me feel more positive about the situation and it seems I am better off than you in some ways with being able to have window visits. One thing did upset me yesterday when the care home rang to tell me they had taken my husband to hospital for an appointment for an invasive procedure without even telling me he had an appointment. They did apologise but it made me feel so redundant and I am sure he would have preferred me to be there as I always have taken him. I suppose it is a matter of them taking him over completely and I must get used to it, but it is hard just now. I do wonder if that is normal procedure with care homes. Good luck to you too and I hope you will soon be able to visit your wife.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
168
Northamptonshire
I have cared for my husband at home for many years when he managed to leave the house during a very hot spell before I had locked us in for the evening. After looking for him through the village I found him with a crowd of people around him. He had fallen down and cut his face badly and we were taken to hospital. He was kept in for 2 weeks then sent to a care home because they said he was too bad for me to look after again, and told me to get some rest and do things I would like to do for a change. Well I have tried to adapt to this, between visits to the care home to see him through a window, but he doesn’t seem to recognise me at all. He had forgotten I was his wife when here but after there being no visiting in the hospital he has completely forgotten everything. It has made me feel so unhappy because I cannot look after him any more or see inside where he is that I feel redundant and tearful when I leave him and most of the time. Does anyone know if this will wear off please?
Hi Wife B,
I’m so sorry to hear your sad story. It’s very sad. We have had similar with mum. She was admitted during lockdown, unable to visit her. Now she doesn’t know who we are, and is unable to do anything for herself. The speed of her deteriorating was a huge shock to us. She can’t communicate anymore, she wouldn’t sit with us, didn’t know us. We feel we’re not part of her life anymore, she just looks vacant and drugged to the eyeballs by the look of her eyes. Very distressing. We blame the covid isolation and no visitors allowed (understandably) that sped up her Alzheimer’s. We were told it’s unlikely to improve. Very sad. I hope your husband might recognise you
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,941
Dorset
Under normal circumstances I imagine most Care Homes would expect the resident’s family to take them to hospital for appointments, if for no other reason than they don’t normally have staff to spare, however under current restrictions on contacts they are having to cover it with their own staff members. I was expected to attend hospital with The Banjoman although his Care Home did have a lovely gentleman volunteer who was known as a “befriender” who would accompany residents to hospital appointments on the days he volunteered.
Do you have LPA for Health & Welfare in place? The Banjoman’s Care Home staff would never have not informed of any medical need.
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
56
East Yorkshire
Thank you for your reply, it has made me feel more positive about the situation and it seems I am better off than you in some ways with being able to have window visits. One thing did upset me yesterday when the care home rang to tell me they had taken my husband to hospital for an appointment for an invasive procedure without even telling me he had an appointment. They did apologise but it made me feel so redundant and I am sure he would have preferred me to be there as I always have taken him. I suppose it is a matter of them taking him over completely and I must get used to it, but it is hard just now. I do wonder if that is normal procedure with care homes. Good luck to you too and I hope you will soon be able to visit your wife.
Dear Wife B - I really feel for you and can honestly say I know how you feel. Only people in the same situation can genuinely say that. My husband has Lewy body dementia. We do not have carers and I am his only carer. During lockdown without family support and visits, things deteriorated. He became more confused etc and needed more help with every day tasks. 2 weeks ago I wondered if he had a urine infection. Long story but basically he was taken to hospital for tests where he has remained. No infections found and they now feel that I can no longer manage him at home. We are currently looking for a respite placement. I feel sad, empty, at fault etc. Keep strong and hope to hear from you again. x
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
56
East Yorkshire
Hi Wife B,
I’m so sorry to hear your sad story. It’s very sad. We have had similar with mum. She was admitted during lockdown, unable to visit her. Now she doesn’t know who we are, and is unable to do anything for herself. The speed of her deteriorating was a huge shock to us. She can’t communicate anymore, she wouldn’t sit with us, didn’t know us. We feel we’re not part of her life anymore, she just looks vacant and drugged to the eyeballs by the look of her eyes. Very distressing. We blame the covid isolation and no visitors allowed (understandably) that sped up her Alzheimer’s. We were told it’s unlikely to improve. Very sad. I hope your husband might recognise you
I totally agree with your lockdown theory. It took away family support, familiarity and routine. There are a lots more casualties than the number of people who have passed away.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
296
Central Scotland
I had my first garden visit with husband last week. He was totally uninterested, had no idea who I was and just sat there while I conversed with the carer and OH gave the odd nod or grunt when we spoke directly to him. I have not seen OH since March, except on very poor skype calls. During lockdown he was admitted to hospital for tests with a suspected stroke but reassured that it was 'only' a TIA. Consequently, when I saw him in the garden, he appears to have aged by at least 10 years. His face is 'drawn' and he is beardless (he has been a 'beardy' for 54 years) - really he looked nothing like MY beloved. When another Carer arrived to say visit over and lunch ready, OH said 'Thank God for that' and went away without a backward glance, laughing and joking with the Carer.

I was so upset when I went home that I couldn't even cry, but took a blinding headache. Later I did a checklist in my head - Is OH happy and contented in the Care Home? Is he well cared for and fed? Is he free of all worries about money, Covid, his own health? his family? The answer to all these questions is YES. I realise that I have done all I can to ensure that he is in the best, safest place - well cared for and happy. Meanwhile, I am kind of redundant, almost a widow. The only task left for me is to reassure the family that all is well with their Father/Grandpa and I suppose also to reassure them that I am fine (I'm not) so that they don't worry about either of us.
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
33
73
Watford
Have been reading all the comments from you all. My husband went into care home very suddenly in February following a spell in hospital. I still feel lost and have no purpose after looking after him for a long time and bring married for 55 years and of course what with this terrible virus I have seen so little of him. The home has been on lockdown for two weeks again but I am hoping to see him this week in the garden and for so little time (45 mins). He is being aggressive to the staff and was towards me when I last saw him. Such hard times for everyone. I wish I could stop crying all the time. I have lovely children but I try not to cry in front of them. Best wishes to you all xx
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
244
South East Coast.
Have been reading all the comments from you all. My husband went into care home very suddenly in February following a spell in hospital. I still feel lost and have no purpose after looking after him for a long time and bring married for 55 years and of course what with this terrible virus I have seen so little of him. The home has been on lockdown for two weeks again but I am hoping to see him this week in the garden and for so little time (45 mins). He is being aggressive to the staff and was towards me when I last saw him. Such hard times for everyone. I wish I could stop crying all the time. I have lovely children but I try not to cry in front of them. Best wishes to you all xx
I havent been on here for a very long time, before lockdown started but felt I must join this conversation as it's the same as I'm going through, so really feel for you all. My OH went into routine respite few weeks before lockdown with the the plan for him to stay 3 weeks, I was completely worn out and end of my tether. Then lockdown started and visits stopped, and obviously he didnt understand why I wasnt visiting. I would ring every day but he either didnt want to talk to me or if he did he spoke a lot of rubbish and i dont think he could follow my conversation. Hes now deteriorated so much that they told me he wouldn't be safe to come home. Hes had about 18 falls which have resulted in lots of carpet burns to his legs and face. 6 weeks ago he refused to come out of his room at all even for meals, he doesn't watch tv as cant follow it, doesn't read so he just sits 24/7 doing nothing. Hes now got really bad legs and feet and the nurse goes in every other day to dress them, he always took such good care of hes feet. They are heavyly bandaged with thick badging from knees to toes, been on lots of different antibiotics for past 6 weeks. He will come down in wheelchair for garden visit but it's always a very difficult visit, no conversation and him looking very down and angry and just waiting for visit to be over, then shouts in his difficult speech that he wants to go back to his room.So I'm always really upset on the 2 buses I have to get to go home. They say they cant force him to leave his room BUT SURLY there is something they can do.when he was mixing with other residents he was chatty and carers say he turned a quiz afternoon into a comedy show with his dry sense of humour. He being assessed tomorrow about staying there permanently, over the phone, talking to care home manager and trying to talk to OH they have already said he hasnt got CAPACITY to know what he wants but when the social worker spoke to him via video link last week he said he wanted to stay there in care home which I was quite shocked at.SORRY for long post but just wanted to say how sad I feel for everyone on here who's suffering the lockdown syndrome. It's so very sad and traumatic and I keep thinking IF he hadn't gone to respite when he did he might be still in bit better health albeit very difficult to care for, I'm 80 next year, so I feel so so bad and guilty that I didnt cope better.I must add that the home is lovely and the carers too, I'm sure they do all they can for him
 
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