Husband possibly has dementia

[Chase my tail]

My husband is forgetting things and is talking about going to see the GP which isn’t easy at the present time with coronavirus making it difficult to get appointments especially with aGP he knows . My husband sometimes gets angry shouts and blames me for things I haven’t done . I think he really thinks it couldn’t be him I am finding the situation difficult feel I get the blame and he can be verbally aggressive . I looked after my mother who had vascular / mixed dementia also supported a lady with dementia but even though my husband has not got a dementia it’s hard

 

[Chase my tail]

Sorry meant a diagnosis

 

[Sarasa]

Is it worth contacting your husband's favourite GP and explaining the situation along with a bullet point list of the things that concern you? You could ask the GP to call your husband in for a well-man check or at least a phone consultation to start the ball rolling. There are other things that mimic dementia, so worth your husband getting checked out. If you do manage an appointment either go with him or put the phone on speaker mode so you know what was said.
Good luck with it all. I'm sure others will be along shortly with their suggestions.

 

[Chase my tail]

Is it worth contacting your husband's favourite GP and explaining the situation along with a bullet point list of the things that concern you? You could ask the GP to call your husband in for a well-man check or at least a phone consultation to start the ball rolling. There are other things that mimic dementia, so worth your husband getting checked out. If you do manage an appointment either go with him or put the phone on speaker mode so you know what was said.
Good luck with it all. I'm sure others will be along shortly with their suggestions.

Thanks it’s a possibility ,although he might think I had contacted the GP we have quite a few new ones I think it could be very difficult to get an appointment with
GP we know . He would not be happy if he got to know I had instigated this , he had an annual health check approx 6 weeks ago which seemed fine . Hopefully he will make the decision himself to see the GP with a bit encouragement . I find it really hard as he calls me a liar when I haven’t lied , and says things that really upset me .
We have had a bit of a difficult time for a good while . He is a lovely man when he is ok but has another side , very stubborn won’t listen to reason today told me the house is going up for sale and we are divorcing he says he has had enough of me and my lies . I am not willing to admit to lying just to shut him up
I have been here before with my Mother she died last year , This is so different and if it is dementia ,just the start of his dementia journey
I am upset , angry and worried . Thank goodness for Talking Point

 

[ganymede]

Hi @Chase my tail that sounds like a really hard situation to be in. We all need to hold on to our own reality and at the same time want to avoid confrontation. If you try to distract your husband, will he forget the issue he was arguing about - is that a possible way of defusing the tension? Could you blame things on you forgetting things? (that's a technique that Oliver James recommends in 'Contented Dementia' which I'm reading at the moment because I am at the very start of my carer journey). I am sure some much more experienced people will be along to offer some tried & tested advice too. Be kind to yourself.

 

[marionq]

I can remember in the years before diagnosis that I would be upset , puzzled and downright angry when my husband denied outright something that had happened and would tell me that I had a problem. It was quite difficult to love him at that stage and yet I didn’t see the dementia which was staring me in the face. He could still function in many ways which seemed normal.

Eventually he must have realised he had a memory problem and I told him about this great drug which could slow down memory loss. I don’t think I used the word Alzheimer’s but he agreed to go with me to the doctors to ask about it and the rest is history. Somehow you have to get your husband to see a doctor. Meanwhile protect yourself.

 

[Chase my tail]

Hi @Chase my tail that sounds like a really hard situation to be in. We all need to hold on to our own reality and at the same time want to avoid confrontation. If you try to distract your husband, will he forget the issue he was arguing about - is that a possible way of defusing the tension? Could you blame things on you forgetting things? (that's a technique that Oliver James recommends in 'Contented Dementia' which I'm reading at the moment because I am at the very start of my carer journey). I am sure some much more experienced people will be along to offer some tried & tested advice too. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Chase my tail]

Thank you to all the replies from all of you lots of ways I can put into practice . I can distract as he quickly forgets what he’s said I will have to not take it personally toughen up a bit and avoid confrontation which only makes thing s worse . Keep things calm better for him and myself
Going to try to sort out him going to the GP . Thanks it’s good to have support from people who have been there and understand

 

[Jacques]

Hi
Like you I fought against taking the blame for things that I knew were not my fault and like you got upset when told that he was going to divorce me and that I was lying about things. I have now learnt that the easiest way to have a more peaceful life is just to agree with everything that is said. The cowards way out? No, it is my way of keeping my sanity and self respect because it avoids me losing my temper. I know that I haven't lied or am responsible for anything that I am accused of so can quite happily live with myself. After saying that I did make sure that I spoke to his gp and his memory consultant and his medication was changed. We are now going through a much more peaceful spell and I am hoping that it will last. Please try to get your husband to see his gp as I am sure that he will be able to help. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

 

[Hazara8]

Thank you to all the replies from all of you lots of ways I can put into practice . I can distract as he quickly forgets what he’s said I will have to not take it personally toughen up a bit and avoid confrontation which only makes thing s worse . Keep things calm better for him and myself
Going to try to sort out him going to the GP . Thanks it’s good to have support from people who have been there and understand

Assessment is so very important because it then, at least, enables an approach which might alleviate the unpredictable tantrum or accusation and uncalled for behaviour. I recall my late mother behaving in a similar fashion spasmodically, which initially seemed to be a symptom of age. That was prior to an eventual assessment which was conducted in a calm and collected manner and which, alas, ticked the "mixed dementia " box as culprit. Once you understand that unsociable or even aggressive behaviour stems from a source which is other than a feature of direct intent, then despite the genuine challenges posed, you can at least feel that both parties are ' victim ' to a truly incomparable disease rather than feel alienated or indeed the causation of such undesirable behaviour from a loved one who is an integral part of your life. Assessment. Then day to day.
With good wishes.

 

[Chase my tail]

Now unless I admit I was lying ( which I wasn’t ) we are finished Think I need to leave tomorrow
if I admit I was lying our marriage isn’t over . It’s ? awful situation

 

[Sarasa]

@Chase my tail, I suggest you phone the support line tomorrow and talk through options 0333 150 3456 or email dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk.

 

[ganymede]

Hi @Chase my tail just checking in. It sounds as though the situation got very tough yesterday. Hope you are OK and that you managed to access some help. (((hugs)))

 

[Chase my tail]

Hi @Chase my tail just checking in. It sounds as though the situation got very tough yesterday. Hope you are OK and that you managed to access some help. (((hugs)))

Ganymede Thanks for your (((hugs ))) I know where to get support now , things are calm and settled at the present time , he is being quite open about his memory problems now so will see if that helps . I have really struggled with this I need to get my head around it and distract , not argue , not confront . I know to do this but didn’t . I supported Mam & a lady who had dementia for years ( think I did a good job )and worked in care for a number of years but this is so different when it’s your partner I do have support from a family member and talking point don’t feel so alone now . I am trying to see GP today for myself as haven’t been well .My husband is thinking about couple of weeks time talking to GP ( will keep putting off )
I am getting some leaflets sent to him so he is in control of what information he finds out as it’s hard for me but must be frightening for him & I want to help him the best I can.

 

[angelhugs]

Ganymede Thanks for your (((hugs ))) I know where to get support now , things are calm and settled at the present time , he is being quite open about his memory problems now so will see if that helps . I have really struggled with this I need to get my head around it and distract , not argue , not confront . I know to do this but didn’t . I supported Mam & a lady who had dementia for years ( think I did a good job )and worked in care for a number of years but this is so different when it’s your partner I do have support from a family member and talking point don’t feel so alone now . I am trying to see GP today for myself as haven’t been well .My husband is thinking about couple of weeks time talking to GP ( will keep putting off )
I am getting some leaflets sent to him so he is in control of what information he finds out as it’s hard for me but must be frightening for him & I want to help him the best I can.

Oh I can understand your position so well. My husband was diagnosed last April but should have had a diagnosis years ago. He is still in denial and blames me for everything. He tells me I’m lying all the time and as you do I get into arguments defending myself. You can’t reason with him but I find it hard to realise that because he is still functioning so well in other ways. I forget he can’t grasp reasoning. He gets so angry and aggressive with me I get scared. It’s a living nightmare. Deep down I think he is scared and that’s why he is in denial. It must be so frightening for them. Like you I want to help him if he will let me. I hope things get better for you. Sending love and hugs xxx

 

[Chase my tail]

Oh I can understand your position so well. My husband was diagnosed last April but should have had a diagnosis years ago. He is still in denial and blames me for everything. He tells me I’m lying all the time and as you do I get into arguments defending myself. You can’t reason with him but I find it hard to realise that because he is still functioning so well in other ways. I forget he can’t grasp reasoning. He gets so angry and aggressive with me I get scared. It’s a living nightmare. Deep down I think he is scared and that’s why he is in denial. It must be so frightening for them. Like you I want to help him if he will let me. I hope things get better for you. Sending love and hugs xxx

Sounds as if you are having a really bad time , we are having a settled time at the minute no anger quite calm I am trying to not confront or argue seems to help I totally agree about it being so frightening for him You look after yourself be kind and keep safe I send my love and hugs also Thank you ?