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Husband Offered a Place in a Care Home

Frenchie1

Registered User
Jan 7, 2018
14
My husband with Lewy Bodies dementia (diagnosed some 4 years ago) has been offered a place next week in a local care home where he used to go for day care for two days per week before lockdown. I am so tired of coping alone with all the delusions, disturbed nights, recently double incontinence, mountains of washing, taking him out to something interesting every day and doing everything (which many of you will be all too familiar with!) Recently I His mobility is now affected and he no longer goes for a walk with the result that I cannot leave him and so get no exercise either although I a m fortunately still fit and active. though now have to wear a wig as my hair is dropping out with the stress of it all.

have told the Social Worker that I am just worn out (we have no family nearby to help) and that I really cannot cope any more. Last week Social Services brought in a carer in the morning to get my husband dressed etc. which is a help and two mornings a carer takes him out for 3 hours. which allows me to do housework (since with lockdown I now cannot use the time to see friends which was a much better use of the time)

I am torn between the fact that in the home he will not be allowed visitors and cannot go out and about every day and the effect that it will have on him and the fact that I am worn out and cannot keep on. Friends who have put their partners into care have said 'Don't leave it too late!' as their health has suffered greatly by hanging on trying to do their best at their own expense.

What do members think is the best thing to do given the lockdown arrangements and the fact that lack of visitors may continue for some time if he goes into the Care Home. I do appreciate all your advice and thoughts on this.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,788
cornwall
My husband with Lewy Bodies dementia (diagnosed some 4 years ago) has been offered a place next week in a local care home where he used to go for day care for two days per week before lockdown. I am so tired of coping alone with all the delusions, disturbed nights, recently double incontinence, mountains of washing, taking him out to something interesting every day and doing everything (which many of you will be all too familiar with!) Recently I His mobility is now affected and he no longer goes for a walk with the result that I cannot leave him and so get no exercise either although I a m fortunately still fit and active. though now have to wear a wig as my hair is dropping out with the stress of it all.

have told the Social Worker that I am just worn out (we have no family nearby to help) and that I really cannot cope any more. Last week Social Services brought in a carer in the morning to get my husband dressed etc. which is a help and two mornings a carer takes him out for 3 hours. which allows me to do housework (since with lockdown I now cannot use the time to see friends which was a much better use of the time)

I am torn between the fact that in the home he will not be allowed visitors and cannot go out and about every day and the effect that it will have on him and the fact that I am worn out and cannot keep on. Friends who have put their partners into care have said 'Don't leave it too late!' as their health has suffered greatly by hanging on trying to do their best at their own expense.

What do members think is the best thing to do given the lockdown arrangements and the fact that lack of visitors may continue for some time if he goes into the Care Home. I do appreciate all your advice and thoughts on this.
Hi. You do sound at the end of your tether.If you can cope with him being in a care home without visitors I say go for it. You cannot do any more. As much as wish too , it is too much for one person..You have a right to a life as well. Only you can decide but it sounds like he needs a lot of care. Take care and keep posting.(((hugs)))
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,374
I think you should take the care home place. Honestly, it sounds all too much for one person, let a whole team look after your loved one
 

Frenchie1

Registered User
Jan 7, 2018
14
The double incontinence would be the clincher for me!
I think you are right - I have just spent the past hour cleaning faeces all over my husnad’s bottom half, socks, shoes pants, bath mats and that is with wearing incontinence pants. It is a reminder of how awful this all is and how glad I would be not to have to do it - Frenchie1
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,051
Newcastle
I would go for the care home place even under lockdown. Under normal circumstances you would be well advised not to visit for the first week or so anyway to allow for settling in. Who knows what the visiting restrictions will be in a week or two's time? (there is a growing call for carers to be allowed to visit care homes). By stepping back you'll realise just how much you have been doing and what it has taken for you to keep things together. It definitely sounds like it is time and, with luck, as your stress is relieved you may get a different and better relationship with your husband. People often worry about how their partners will take to being in care but sometimes it is more of an adjustment for the carer, but one that is worth it.
 

Frenchie1

Registered User
Jan 7, 2018
14
I so appreciate your replies - full of useful advice and will keep on track to take up the place at the Care Home. i guess it is only when you stop, do you realise just how much you have been doing for so long or how tired you have become. The damage dementia does to both those with the disease and those who care for them is huge and is long term in what it does to your psyche and physical well-being - just how long does it take to recover?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,965
Kent
The damage dementia does to both those with the disease and those who care for them is huge and is long term in what it does to your psyche and physical well-being - just how long does it take to recover?
It has been suggested many family carers of people with dementia can suffer PTSD [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder] I didn`t feel it applied to me but now six and a half years after my husband`s death and living with social distancing during this pandemic, every anxiety dream I have includes my husband and his dementia.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,858
Nottinghamshire
Your hair loss comment rang a bell with me @Frenchie1 as my hair got very thin while I was looking after my dad and although I never quite got to the stage of wearing a wig I did start looking at them!

Two years after my dad went into care, and almost two years since he died, my hair is much thicker again than it was back then so hopefully yours will come back too.