1. Kezzamac

    Kezzamac Registered User

    Apr 28, 2015
    Sometimes I feel all alone.
    Mil was diagnosed recently with VD and Alz although it's been apparent to us for a while. My problem is..my husband!
    I have managed to deal with the diagnosis, muddling my way through my job, my 10 year old and organising a carer, appointments at the memory clinic, social services etc etc. My husband however is not dealing with it well at all.
    During the week the carer comes in for a few hours a day and keeps mil company and does any jobs that need doing. I do evening meal, medication and anything else that needs doing.
    At the weekend it's up to me and hubby to do everything. I'm fine with this and have been very patient with her, but my hubby doesn't know how to deal with her. He can be very abrupt and downright rude to her.
    Today I had to spend 10 mins calming her down as she was beside herself upset with something he said. She feels like a burden and he's not helping. She has really good days, but also very bad days, today being one of the bad. He just can't deal with it and I'm the one picking up the pieces :(
    Then he snapped at me in front of her and my 10 year old. I've been fighting back the tears ever since.
    I know that he cares for her a lot and he reacts this way because he feels he has no control, but I'm the one dealing with the aftermath.
    Sorry, not looking for advice really, just needed to vent :mad:
  2. #2 DazeInOurLives, May 10, 2015
    Last edited: May 11, 2015
    Very frustrating. Imbalance of responsibility seems to be a common theme in caring for one's elderly relatives. I admit that I struggle with resentment and worry as it's a dangerous emotion in terms of maintaining healthy relationships. I find it hard to swallow too (sibling abroad), even though I know that caring is not everyone's cup of tea, and distance makes it very difficult for some.

    But I think that some of this could be partially balanced out by sharing out other (unrelated) responsibilites at times. Sometimes they just don't know how to help and rather than wait for an offer that doesn't materialise, I always mean to give a very specific request for help. But rarely seem to do it...
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Its his mum kezzamac. He doesnt want to admit to himself that she has changed :(
    Vent all you like
  4. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Him and millions more out there. If society needs to get "Dementia Champions" and to have an awareness week it kind of says he's not alone in not knowing how to deal with it, in fact he's very much in the majority. Before you relationship get's stressed by him dumping his mother on you it might be better to sit him down and have a talk.
    If he can't help then the least he could do is not hinder with his upsetting remarks, then why can't he help, it's his Mum, she brought him up, changed his nappies, made his food doesn't he feel he may owe her something.
    Some people are not natural carers, they seem to be afraid of the sick, it's as irrational as being afraid of spiders and snakes, but still people have these deep rooted psychological fears, he needs to recognise what his problems are and how he can change because all he's doing at the moment is ruining his relationship with the 2 most important women in his life his wife and his mum.
  5. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    To put it bluntly, I think you've been placed in a very unfair situation. Even were she your mother, you've got a 10-year-old who deserves your focus. If, underneath the immediate resentment, you also feel a deeper sense of injustice about that, then calmly but purposefully step back and let someone else - the OH or the state - deal with it. If your OH can't change, even after you've spoken to him as others have suggested, then you'll have to make a judgement call about whether you accept his limitations regarding this issue and how you accept them - whether by soldiering on or by baling out of the caring role yourself. You don't have to do this. Remember that. *hug*
  6. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    I would say in denial, he's not coping, you have to be strong for him. Or could it be he wonders if that could be him in the future. Sorry not much help I'm afraid but **hugs**
  7. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Must say, when I hear of a husband who 'can't handle it' or 'can't cope' I often wonder whether it's at least partly because someone else - usually his wife - is just gritting her teeth and getting on with it.
  8. Kezzamac

    Kezzamac Registered User

    Apr 28, 2015
    Thanks for the kind comments and advise everyone. Things are much better today on all fronts :)
  9. aeg85

    aeg85 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2014
    This is a difficult one, he definitely doesn't want to admit it. I've recently had the same thing with my Mum about my Nana, even after we'd had a meeting with the doctor who confirmed it all to us. Just be patient, I can understand it's an awful thing to come to terms with. Hope you're all ok x
  10. Miss Merlot

    Miss Merlot Registered User

    Oct 15, 2012
    This is sooooo familiar...

    With my OH (whose own mum has AD), it was only the "big" things as reported by objective external parties that finally got him to see the light.

    Even now, he knows she has it, but will determinedly "wish away" any symptom he can still.

    He's got better at the compassionate communication side of things, but not much...

    I am also the one to do pretty much everything on the admin side, and I get snapped at a lot for being the voice of reason as well.

    Hard one to get round, but sending you my sympathies....
  11. Miss Merlot

    Miss Merlot Registered User

    Oct 15, 2012
    Got to laugh at this one Witzend. It's a hollow one though.


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