Husband not admitting there's a problem

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
116
0
clitheroe
Well what can I say? Thank you seems such a small word. My head, my emotions and my attitude has changed today thanks to all your comments and support. I'm just adapting and supporting my oh, relax and enjoy having him still, even if he's changed, he's still here, he still laughs, he still chats with me. It doesn't seen like the most important thing to get the doctors involved yet, I know it will come, but maybe not just yet. I pray you all have moments of peace and get enough sleep, you're important. Than you again, I will be using this forum lots in the future I'm sure, its the best thing.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,015
0
I really recommend that you do as much as you can (eg days out, weekend breaks) before your husband's dementia gets too bad.
 

Jan L

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
96
0
I don't know what to do. I've been worried about my oh for a few years now. (maybe 4Y) at 1st I talked to him about seeing a doctor and he was worried and said he would think about it. Some time later when I asked if he'd though he got angry and shut the conversation down. Things seemed to stay the same for a long time and I learnt to live with it, thinking it might just be age. (he 73 now). Recently he has got worse, other people are asking me if he's OK, and it's becoming noticeable how he's changed. I decided last year I had to let him know how bad it was so I kept telling him when he'd forgotten something or got things mixed up. He then told a friend I was trying to make him beleive he was loosing it. He said later it was a joke. Then he said I accused him of having dementia. He has always been an exteerly capable man, very hard working and fit. His attitude is doctors are for weak people. 2/3 months ago I noticed things have got much worse, I've tried to just be a support and help, but his problems have never been mentioned. I feel they can't be ignored any longer but when I try to bring the subject up I can't seem to find the words, what to say, he seems to think what's happening is normal and it's far from it. Have I covered up too much? Have I reassured him too much? Oh god I can see the future and I'm so scared.
My Husband was the same he wouldn't acknowledge he had a problem, we were permanently disagreeing about everything and our once happy marriage eroded away to me just nagging him over everything. I pleaded with him to get help, but he said I was imagining it and refused. He was in otherwise good health, but did have a couple of occasions to visit the Doctor, neither time could he express himself to tell the Doctor what the problem was, instead of the Doctors questioning why he couldn't tell them himself, they just sighed and turned to me and asked me to tell them. This was about 12-15 years ago, I eventually got him to go to the Doctors for diagnosis 6 years ago by which time the Specialist's diagnosis was Alzheimer's Disease/Vascular Dementia, Moderate/Severe.

He is now unable to speak at all or understand what I say to him, but because he never acknowledged he had a problem we have never discussed anything meaningful relating to him or me. It is 20 years now since I spotted the early signs so it has been a long time, a third of the time I have known him, since our relationship was anywhere near what it once was.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,015
0
JanL, that’s such a long time that you have been dealing with your husband’s dementia. I am so sad for you. Was he very young when he first showed symptoms?
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
2,025
0
67
London
Thanks, MartinWL.

If Newanne’s husband hasn’t seen the GP for a while what do you think he would write in the report? There’s no diagnosis of any kind and the GP has no concerns personally about his cognition. Could he go on the information that Newanne has given him in a letter / email or would he call him in, either on some pretext or by request (saying that he needs to see him about his licence)?
I suspect this will depend on the GP, he might call him in on a pretext or refer your husband to the memory clinic. Some GPs are more tactful than others. If your husband refuses an appointment I suppose he might report that fact to the DVLA and they might insist on a medical examination or else revoked the licence, but I am not sure exactly what process there would be. In my father's case he had had a scan whilst in hospital for another illness so there was hard evidence. I hope your GP will be more diplomatic than my father's was at first!
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
44
0
Well I tried - I sat my oh down told him how much I loved him, explained we were in this together. Told him he needed to see a doctor, explained it could be other illnesses causing the symptoms. He asked a few question, "what have other people said?" "what sort of things do I do?" asked me not to get upset, (impossible). The he stood up saying we really need to get started on cutting the hedge. Thats it, that was 2 days ago, nothing since. Should I bring it up again? Should I leave him to think about it? Does he even remember what was said? I wish there was a rule book on how to deal with this illness.
Hi, I was in a very similar situation except my husband is younger, now 67. I'd tried to get him to docs but he couldn't see that anything was wrong and can be quite awkward anyway. I wrote a letter to the doctor detailing his behaviour and my concerns so they had it on file. After yet another incident about a year after the letter I made an appointment for myself, the doc was very good and said based on what I'd said she really needed to see him and made appt for next day. At first he flatly refused to go but eventually did when I said if there was nothing wrong with him he had nothing to lose so please go just to humour me.
When we got there I was surprised how amenable he was doing the memory test but the doc was very good with him. After brain scans to rule out anything else he was diagnosed with Alzheimers three months later. This was a year ago and he still doesn't accept anything is wrong with him even though he was told directly by the consultant. He won't take the medication prescribed.
Best of luck.
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
44
0
This is interesting. In the early stages, I knew my mum had dementia because I saw/spoke to her more than the only other family member - my brother. I knew because I'd researched dementia years ago when I went into early meno and thought I had it! I knew because I'd discovered this wonderful site and had been reading the posts for years. I knew because mum could have been a poster girl for Alzheimers, exhibiting all the 'classic' behaviours and problems. But mum was healthy, hadn't seen a doctor for years and was living on her own, independently, many miles away. We were not close and I only saw her for a few hours every couple of months.

I knew there was zero chance of a diagnosis. I struggled over what to do then realised it made little difference to mum at that time. She didn't actually need help and wouldn't have accepted it anyway. She had a little insight at that point and would sometimes say, 'I'm always getting mixed up these days.' I decided just to watch and wait and that did work for a while. I'm certain a diagnosis would not have changed what happened. (There was a fall, hospital then things got really bad and I had to move mum from there to a care home.)

Many people expect action following a diagnosis, whether that is meds, help, support, further appointments, etc. Most people are disappointed! Often the experience of diagnosis is, 'Yes - he/she has dementia.' If you're lucky you get a sympathetic smile and a bunch of leaflets. What you don't get is much in the way of help and your day to day life will not change one iota.

So maybe there would be nothing to gain from a diagnosis for your husband at this point. I do think it's important to keep a record of things though, detailing changes in his behaviour or lapses in thinking that would indicate deterioration. You do have the option of writing to his doctor giving this info and detailing your concerns. They dont have to talk to you directly but they do have to take notice! You might suggest the GP invites your husband in on some other pretext.

Meanwhile, you're doing a sterling job! Make sure you get some time for yourself.
I agree there isn't much help forthcoming after diagnosis apart from some leaflets, but a diagnosis does mean you can claim Attendance Allowance for the PWD and reduced Council Tax. Neither is means tested. Our local Memory clinic was exceptionally helpful with the AA form, going through it and re-writing it in the right jargon so the answers ticked the right boxes.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,258
0
High Peak
I agree there isn't much help forthcoming after diagnosis apart from some leaflets, but a diagnosis does mean you can claim Attendance Allowance for the PWD and reduced Council Tax. Neither is means tested. Our local Memory clinic was exceptionally helpful with the AA form, going through it and re-writing it in the right jargon so the answers ticked the right boxes.
You can claim AA without a diagnosis - I know because we did (and got it!)
 

liz b

New member
Sep 16, 2021
6
0
This is interesting. In the early stages, I knew my mum had dementia because I saw/spoke to her more than the only other family member - my brother. I knew because I'd researched dementia years ago when I went into early meno and thought I had it! I knew because I'd discovered this wonderful site and had been reading the posts for years. I knew because mum could have been a poster girl for Alzheimers, exhibiting all the 'classic' behaviours and problems. But mum was healthy, hadn't seen a doctor for years and was living on her own, independently, many miles away. We were not close and I only saw her for a few hours every couple of months.

I knew there was zero chance of a diagnosis. I struggled over what to do then realised it made little difference to mum at that time. She didn't actually need help and wouldn't have accepted it anyway. She had a little insight at that point and would sometimes say, 'I'm always getting mixed up these days.' I decided just to watch and wait and that did work for a while. I'm certain a diagnosis would not have changed what happened. (There was a fall, hospital then things got really bad and I had to move mum from there to a care home.)

Many people expect action following a diagnosis, whether that is meds, help, support, further appointments, etc. Most people are disappointed! Often the experience of diagnosis is, 'Yes - he/she has dementia.' If you're lucky you get a sympathetic smile and a bunch of leaflets. What you don't get is much in the way of help and your day to day life will not change one iota.

So maybe there would be nothing to gain from a diagnosis for your husband at this point. I do think it's important to keep a record of things though, detailing changes in his behaviour or lapses in thinking that would indicate deterioration. You do have the option of writing to his doctor giving this info and detailing your concerns. They dont have to talk to you directly but they do have to take notice! You might suggest the GP invites your husband in on some other pretext.

Meanwhile, you're doing a sterling job! Make sure you get some time for yourself.
My husband was prescribed Gatalin - slower release than ericept, which is supposed to slow down the alzheimers.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
116
0
clitheroe
Well I've settled down a little the panics I was having are less and I'm managing to prioritise when to take myself out of a sitution. However I have a problem a just don't know how to tackle it. We both play in a brass band and my husband has been the one to organise everything from the sheet music, uniforms, instruments and all the jobs we do, making bookings sorting payments etc. He's been doing this for over 30y.. But now its me who seems to be taking on that role, just telling him when to ring someone, what to say etc. Its been very difficult the last few weeks, as you can imagine Christmas is always a busy time for us and he's forgotten phone calls, made booking by mistake, taking booking then saying he didn't, I'm just mopping up after him every day. I did tell him some weeks ago that he would have to stop doing it but he's obviously forgotten. How on earth do I make him hand over the responsibility? How do I tell him he can't do it any more? It's part of who he is, how he sees himself.
He's aware people are now coming to me rather than him for things that need doing and he's getting upset about it. I think he's feeling I'm going behind his back. I know there's no easy answers but I just need to rant. Thanks everyone for being there. ?
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,395
0
Dorset
If his capabilities are now affecting other people then maybe you have to talk to them and ask them to ask him to stand down from his post. If it is brought home to him that other people are noticing that he is experiencing difficulties and making errors then you can suggest a visit to his GP?
 

Long journey ahead

Registered User
Mar 28, 2020
149
0
Preston lancashire
Like @Jaded'n'faded I knew that dad had dementia a good number of years before he was diagnosed, I had even figured out correctly that he had alzheimers. Dads GP also knew that dad had a probable dementia because he phoned me to let me know of his concerns and to ask me to try to get dad to make an appointment, he had got my phone number from dad somehow by some subterfuge. He was also the kindest and most helpful GP I have ever met. I told him that I was aware of dads memory problems and that I would try to get dad to make an appointment but it took another couple of years before I managed to get him there.

We muddled along quite well for a number of years and it was only when dad needed to stop driving that I finally got him an appointment and a diagnosis. The diagnosis made no difference for me or dad other than him being started on donepezil which may or may not have slowed down his dementia. No way of knowing really.

In hindsight I don't think that an earlier diagnosis would have helped dad or me other than giving me definite proof to wave in front of those who were in denial and I doubt if it would have changed their attitudes either.

I agree with @Shedrech that now is the time to get practicalities done such as POA and all financial matters.

It is scary and you are probably the one who needs most support now so keep posting as this is a very supportive and helpful forum.
hi Duggies girl
My husband was diagnosed with cerebral atrophy due to excessive alcohol last May. He is refusing to agree to a POA. He is in denial of the diagnosis and continues to drink in excess. My feeling is that it is essential to get this in place as soon as possible because it is very expensive if we wait too long.
he isn't taking care of his appearance and refuses to eat. He sleeps until after lunch and stays up until around 3am.
He rarely speaks but when he does it's constant questions.
Do you have any ideas how I could either persuade him or force the issue please?
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
hi Duggies girl
My husband was diagnosed with cerebral atrophy due to excessive alcohol last May. He is refusing to agree to a POA. He is in denial of the diagnosis and continues to drink in excess. My feeling is that it is essential to get this in place as soon as possible because it is very expensive if we wait too long.
he isn't taking care of his appearance and refuses to eat. He sleeps until after lunch and stays up until around 3am.
He rarely speaks but when he does it's constant questions.
Do you have any ideas how I could either persuade him or force the issue please?
You could put it to him that you should both have one done or maybe get a friend of his to suggest that is a good idea and that they had one and everybody should have one. Maybe tell him that if he becomes ill that he will lose access to his accounts and his money will be controlled by the local authority. I don't think you can force the issue. Sorry not a lot of help but if you search POA you should get lots of results because it is a very common problem.
 

Long journey ahead

Registered User
Mar 28, 2020
149
0
Preston lancashire
You could put it to him that you should both have one done or maybe get a friend of his to suggest that is a good idea and that they had one and everybody should have one. Maybe tell him that if he becomes ill that he will lose access to his accounts and his money will be controlled by the local authority. I don't think you can force the issue. Sorry not a lot of help but if you search POA you should get lots of results because it is a very common problem.
That's a great idea. Thank you.
it's like walking through sinking sand.
take care x
 

Jan L

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
96
0
hi Duggies girl
My husband was diagnosed with cerebral atrophy due to excessive alcohol last May. He is refusing to agree to a POA. He is in denial of the diagnosis and continues to drink in excess. My feeling is that it is essential to get this in place as soon as possible because it is very expensive if we wait too long.
he isn't taking care of his appearance and refuses to eat. He sleeps until after lunch and stays up until around 3am.
He rarely speaks but when he does it's constant questions.
Do you have any ideas how I could either persuade him or force the issue please?
I just managed to get my Husband to do a POA 6 years ago, I took him with me to do mine. I was concerned if I should become ill or be in an accident that he wouldn't be capable of doing anything, so I wanted to nominate my 2 Sons to deal with my affairs. I had to take him with me as he couldn't and wouldn't be left on his own. He sat by me while I sorted mine out so just copied what I did. I had him practicing writing his name for an hour before we went and he just about managed to do it. During the 20 years he had been showing signs of Dementia (diagnosed as the combined Vascular Dementia/ Alzheimer's 6 years ago, at which point it was severe) He would never discuss his problems with me or have any of the conversations you need to when you are getting older, let alone when you are suffering from dementia. He passed away last week and I am having to deal with his funeral without having a clue as to what his wishes are. but he left everything to me, so nothing new there. Wishing you all the best.
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
1,213
0
South east
@Jan L sending condolences to you and wishing you strength. As your OH wouldn’t discuss funerals etc, maybe just have what you and your sons like. I suppose some of can’t contemplate our own demise.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
116
0
clitheroe
Well I've settled down a little the panics I was having are less and I'm managing to prioritise when to take myself out of a sitution. However I have a problem a just don't know how to tackle it. We both play in a brass band and my husband has been the one to organise everything from the sheet music, uniforms, instruments and all the jobs we do, making bookings sorting payments etc. He's been doing this for over 30y.. But now its me who seems to be taking on that role, just telling him when to ring someone, what to say etc. Its been very difficult the last few weeks, as you can imagine Christmas is always a busy time for us and he's forgotten phone calls, made booking by mistake, taking booking then saying he didn't, I'm just mopping up after him every day. I did tell him some weeks ago that he would have to stop doing it but he's obviously forgotten. How on earth do I make him hand over the responsibility? How do I tell him he can't do it any more? It's part of who he is, how he sees himself.
He's aware people are now coming to me rather than him for things that need doing and he's getting upset about it. I think he's feeling I'm going behind his back. I know there's no easy answers but I just need to rant. Thanks everyone for being there. ?
Well I think I've found a solution the the above problem. I am leaving brass band. That way I cannot be accused of going behind his back and people cannot come to me instead of my oh. He was accusing me of doing things and not telling him, (not the case) I know the problems with organising will be passed to others but I cannot keep on trying to sort things and playing piggy in the middle, it's not doing my marriage any good at all. Maybe if others start to tell him there's problem he may start to understand its not just me. It also means when he goes to a rehearsal I get 2h to myself. ? I just need to tell him now, find the words without making him feel it's his fault, must abmit I'm getting better at white lies.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
0
76
Devon, Totnes
I don't know what to do. I've been worried about my oh for a few years now. (maybe 4Y) at 1st I talked to him about seeing a doctor and he was worried and said he would think about it. Some time later when I asked if he'd though he got angry and shut the conversation down. Things seemed to stay the same for a long time and I learnt to live with it, thinking it might just be age. (he 73 now). Recently he has got worse, other people are asking me if he's OK, and it's becoming noticeable how he's changed. I decided last year I had to let him know how bad it was so I kept telling him when he'd forgotten something or got things mixed up. He then told a friend I was trying to make him beleive he was loosing it. He said later it was a joke. Then he said I accused him of having dementia. He has always been an exteerly capable man, very hard working and fit. His attitude is doctors are for weak people. 2/3 months ago I noticed things have got much worse, I've tried to just be a support and help, but his problems have never been mentioned. I feel they can't be ignored any longer but when I try to bring the subject up I can't seem to find the words, what to say, he seems to think what's happening is normal and it's far from it. Have I covered up too much? Have I reassured him too much? Oh god I can see the future and I'm so scared.
I’ve just picked up your post. I too had a difficult time getting my wife to see a doctor but tell your husband it might be worth seeing if there’s medication they can give to ease normal anxiety and stress ( todays scourge on society) and say they might have something for me too. Or say you’d really like his company for yourself about
something ( female problem?) for his valued support and care. Alert the doctor beforehand. Subterfuge and lies - I had to do it all the time. If none of this works the doctor needs to visit you because things only get worse and you need a official diagnosis to progress this properly and effectively and have access to all the official support available.
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
138,132
Messages
1,993,238
Members
89,789
Latest member
Anne Paterson