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Husband not admitting there's a problem

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
44
0
I'm so glad you've managed to make a break through. Sometimes those big arguments lift a weight off your shoulders, as I'm sure you've been holding everything in until that point. I hope you get the answers you need from the doctors, make sure to pester them if you ever feel fobbed off, as some things get lost in communication. No I agree, even though I wouldn't wish this on my enemy, it makes such a difference knowing you aren't the only one going through it. Stay strong!
Thanks Christyj. x
 

Longsuffering

New member
Jan 14, 2022
8
0
Longsuffering my husband went down to see the Doctor today me feeling hopeful we will get help husband comes home and says he has got the all clear after saying there is nothing wrong with him!! I have cried all night and don’t know what to do next as I m at breaking point am on a higher antidepressant and diazepam ladies I need help If he dosnt change I can’t go on like this I feel he is making a fool out of me and his 2 daughters has anyone else had this happen I’m desperate to have some hope to keep going I have no one to talk to I’m so grateful for this forum.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,962
0
65
London
Longsuffering my husband went down to see the Doctor today me feeling hopeful we will get help husband comes home and says he has got the all clear after saying there is nothing wrong with him!! I have cried all night and don’t know what to do next as I m at breaking point am on a higher antidepressant and diazepam ladies I need help If he dosnt change I can’t go on like this I feel he is making a fool out of me and his 2 daughters has anyone else had this happen I’m desperate to have some hope to keep going I have no one to talk to I’m so grateful for this forum.
Sadly this is quite a common story. PWD do not always recognise that there is anything wrong with them at all and unfortunately this forum has many tales of medical staff believing what a PWD tells them, which may often be completely incorrect. The best way to deal with this seems to be to brief the GP in advance of the patient's visit. You may not be able to discss it with the GP but you can write to him or her in advance and tell him/her the facts - succinctly of course. We all know that PWD have "host mode" or "social facade" enabling them to be charming to people they meet for short periods. Why medical staff are not more alive to this I do not know. Perhaps you could write to the GP who might call in your husband for a follow-up appointment, perhaps on a pretext?

Having said all this the GP doesn't have a cure for dementia and the help he can give may be limited.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
10,931
0
Southampton
Longsuffering my husband went down to see the Doctor today me feeling hopeful we will get help husband comes home and says he has got the all clear after saying there is nothing wrong with him!! I have cried all night and don’t know what to do next as I m at breaking point am on a higher antidepressant and diazepam ladies I need help If he dosnt change I can’t go on like this I feel he is making a fool out of me and his 2 daughters has anyone else had this happen I’m desperate to have some hope to keep going I have no one to talk to I’m so grateful for this forum.
you could send a letter to the doctor or email listing the concerns as bullet points. at least the doctor can read it even if he cant discuss it with you. have you got power of attorney for health and finance? would be good to get if you havent. i was very lucky that my husband gave permission for gp to speak to me and has accepted his dementia. they might be able to call him in for well man appt. sorry not to be more helpful
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,148
0
South coast
Please also bare in mind that your husband my not be telling the truth when he says that the GP has given him the all clear. I learned that the hard way. OH was going to the neurologist for his long-standing epilepsy and suddenly developed this delusion that his epilepsy had gone away. He was telling the neurologist that I wasnt seeing him have seizures any more and that I wanted him to come off his anti-epileptics and then he came home and told me that the neurologist said he showed no evidence of epilepsy anymore and she wanted him to come off his anti-epileptics. The truth was that he was still having seizures and both the neurologist and I had serious concerns. After that I always went into the consulting room with him.
 
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Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
779
0
If your husband won’t agree to you attending his consultations then you will need to write to or email the surgery, memory clinic or whatever setting out your husband’s problems.

A lot of people with dementia are very confident and persuasive about their abilities and they frequently talk about what they used to do as if they are still doing it. For example, a PWD may say that he cooks an evening meal whereas he hasn’t actually been able to do this for 18 months. So, when writing I would try to anticipate the kind of questions that the clinician might ask. When you talk about your husband’s inability to cook a meal say that he has not been able to do this on his own for x period of time. Mention specific problems eg he can’t safely use a sharp knife (which you have to hide), doesn’t remember how to turn the oven on or would not remember to turn it off, can’t remember the order in which things have to be done. Contrast this with when he was able to cook a meal to show the loss of function.

Obviously, you don’t want to make the letter or email so long and dense that the clinician doesn’t bother to read it and so a list of bullet points at the beginning, setting out areas of loss of function would be a good idea eg my husband no longer washes himself and changed his clothes unless I prompt him and this can lead to accusations that I am nagging. He no longer has any concept of washing daily and changing his clothes regularly. Until about 2 years ago he was always very particular about his personal hygiene and was always smart and well turned out.
 

TinaA

New member
Jan 18, 2022
2
0
Thank you for your reply, I have approach the doctor, just before covid hit, their response was, 'he needs to come to see us himself, if he doesn't want to there's really nothing we can do'. Not very helpful. Thinking about his friends, not sure if any of them would feel able to approach him. I will think about that though. Thank you
I had the same response from GP, ‘your mum needs to come herself…’
We noticed almost 2 years ago that mum may have dementia, she is still denying there’s anything wrong and no help as of yet. The Specialist Older Adults Mental Health Team are involved now mum is not happy and doesn’t want to talk to them. She refuses the Memory Assessment. It’s hard when the person is either in denial or doesn’t recognise that there is a problem.

I was persistent with the GP and kept calling to speak to them.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
151
0
Longsuffering my husband went down to see the Doctor today me feeling hopeful we will get help husband comes home and says he has got the all clear after saying there is nothing wrong with him!! I have cried all night and don’t know what to do next as I m at breaking point am on a higher antidepressant and diazepam ladies I need help If he dosnt change I can’t go on like this I feel he is making a fool out of me and his 2 daughters has anyone else had this happen I’m desperate to have some hope to keep going I have no one to talk to I’m so grateful for this forum.
My husband was also told he was OK by a locum doctor and that he probably didn't listen to or remember what I said because we've been married for so long!!!! I could see no other option but to leave and it was only during lockdown that I could see the extent of his memory loss and confusion. Fortunately our regular doctor was happy to talk to me, believed my account of husband's deterioration and we pushed to get a formal dementia assessment. When it came I cried with relief. My husband is still very good at seeming 'normal' around others which drives me mad, the comment 'he doesn't seem too bad' makes me want to cry, the day to day man is aggressive and angry. Hang on in there @Longsuffering , you will get there but it is a battle
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,896
0
Yorkshire
Hello @TinaA
A warm welcome to DTP
Your mum is fortunate to have you battling for her ... though I appreciate she's unlikely to see it that way
Keep posting, sharing experiences helps .. even if we can't always solve each others problems we do support each other
 

Springfield

New member
Dec 18, 2021
5
0
My husband too has just had a diagnosis of cerebral atrophy from his brain scan. He then attended the memory clinic and underwent some cognitive ability tests which he scored quite well on. He was advised that there were concerns about his driving but was not told he had to give up driving. He is SO angry with me because I had made the appointments. He is 80 soon and the personality changes, the mood swings, the memory lapses, the bad language, anxiety, OCD, lack of empathy or compassion and the rude and aggressive behaviour are very wearing and difficult to cope with.

The GP was amazing - she arranged an 80 yr old well-being check and saw for herself his shuffling gait, the wrong answers to questions and the denial of problems for herself. She arranged the brain scan and reported back to us. He is still in total denial and I am having to take on the responsibility for our future wellbeing.

Going out is a nightmare with him not being able to walk too well (he now shuffles badly) and I never know what he is likely to come out with (bad language, racism or just really loud & rude comments about others). I can’t argue or fight with him any more. I am exhausted and just want some peace and quiet.

I have recently been diagnosed with a frozen shoulder and it is very painful. We also live in a very rural area but I have managed to find a local lady to come and give me some domestic help and she has also offered to help me to have some respite to get out and visit friends and/or to go to visit my grand children and has even offered to come in more regularly if I decide to go and visit our daughter in Australia!

Try to think ahead and get some strategies in place to cope when things deteriorate.

Good wishes and hugs to you.

Sandra
 

Longsuffering

New member
Jan 14, 2022
8
0
Sadly this is quite a common story. PWD do not always recognise that there is anything wrong with them at all and unfortunately this forum has many tales of medical staff believing what a PWD tells them, which may often be completely incorrect. The best way to deal with this seems to be to brief the GP in advance of the patient's visit. You may not be able to discss it with the GP but you can write to him or her in advance and tell him/her the facts - succinctly of course. We all know that PWD have "host mode" or "social facade" enabling them to be charming to people they meet for short periods. Why medical staff are not more alive to this I do not know. Perhaps you could write to the GP who might call in your husband for a follow-up appointment, perhaps on a pretext?

Having said all this the GP doesn't have a cure for dementia and the help he can give may be limited.
Hi Martin wl I went down to see the Doctor before hand and gave him also a list of his behaviour but my husband said there was nothing wrong with him also said he wasn’t depressed didn’t want pills The Doctor gave him a test and he said he scored 27 out of 30 so that’s why I lost heart as I’m prepared to help him through this and it seemed to me that I have put up with this behaviour my high blood pressure and higher dose of antidepressant for nothing so disappointed as I thought his was the answer .
 

Longsuffering

New member
Jan 14, 2022
8
0
Please also bare in mind that your husband my not be telling the truth when he says that the GP has given him the all clear. I learned that the hard way. OH was going to the neurologist for his long-standing epilepsy and suddenly developed this delusion that his epilepsy had gone away. He was telling the neurologist that I wasnt seeing him have seizures any more and that I wanted him to come off his anti-epileptics and then he came home and told me that the neurologist said he showed no evidence of epilepsy anymore and she wanted him to come off his anti-epileptics. The truth was that he was still having seizures and both the neurologist and I had serious concerns. After that I always went into the consulting room with him.
Thank you Canary I did think this and if I have to go with him again if the behaviour gets any worse I will so frustrating when your not feeling well yourself Thanks for the advice .
 

Longsuffering

New member
Jan 14, 2022
8
0
you could send a letter to the doctor or email listing the concerns as bullet points. at least the doctor can read it even if he cant discuss it with you. have you got power of attorney for health and finance? would be good to get if you havent. i was very lucky that my husband gave permission for gp to speak to me and has accepted his dementia. they might be able to call him in for well man appt. sorry not to be more helpful
Thank you no it was very helpful bless you and Thanks for answering .
 

Longsuffering

New member
Jan 14, 2022
8
0
My husband was also told he was OK by a locum doctor and that he probably didn't listen to or remember what I said because we've been married for so long!!!! I could see no other option but to leave and it was only during lockdown that I could see the extent of his memory loss and confusion. Fortunately our regular doctor was happy to talk to me, believed my account of husband's deterioration and we pushed to get a formal dementia assessment. When it came I cried with relief. My husband is still very good at seeming 'normal' around others which drives me mad, the comment 'he doesn't seem too bad' makes me want to cry, the day to day man is aggressive and angry. Hang on in there @Longsuffering , you will get there but it is a battle
Awe Thankyou Jax I will I am going through exactly the same it’s awful when people don’t see what you have to put up with and you feel like your making it all up the one good thing is I got finall taking to his daughter who works in a care home and I managed to tell her a little bit of what has been happening and she said to ring her if I needed to talk or she would come down and talk to him it’s at least somethingI can do failing that might have to do what you did and get him to leave for a bit Thankyou so much for replying x
 

Worried Wilma68

New member
Feb 1, 2022
5
0
Oh no @despseratejan23 - This is a mirror of what I have been through. OH has been verbally aggressive and abusive, he has assaulted me twice and I can say I can't stand him. OH was also self employed, in the last 10 years he earned very little whilst I worked as much as possible and helped with grandchildren. He refused to give up work and he got into a lot of debt which I am now paying off. The work was no more than an ego boost for him while expected me to work for peanuts (He said he wouldn't get out of bed for £9 per hour) We finally got a diagnosis 15 months ago after about 5 or 6 years of deterioration, but the damage was done to our relationship and I can never forgive him. He is on Memantine now and less aggressive, but he will argue over everything and then tell me I'm making trouble!! Yesterday I asked him if he could close kitchen cupboard doors when he has finished - he refused and accused me of control. I am 64 and feel my life is over, I am so stressed I feel that I cannot go on like this but due to debt don't know what I can do. Talking to others on TP does make things easier and it is so good to know we are not alone.
Thanks for your reply. It is so hard and I feel so out of my depth. Miraculously, after a big row on the weekend he's agreed to see the doctor. I phoned this morning and I'm currently waiting for a doctor to call back. I'm glad, but terrified at the same time. My husband is in debt too, which seems to go back to before he was showing any signs of illness, which I only found out about by accident two years ago, so I can sympathise with you and your Mum, I feel the same resentment. I feel as if everything is collapsing around me. Thank you for replying, even though I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. Wish me luck with the doctor. 🙏 x
 

Worried Wilma68

New member
Feb 1, 2022
5
0
I am new to this forum I needed to see if anyone was going through similar things as I am with my husband and your post is very much the same. I went through dementia with my dad so I know what the signs are but I am dealing with a husband who has always been verbally aggressive and short tempered which my father never was. I have suspected that my OH was in the beginning Of dementia about 3 years ago and I feel he is declining slowly now. I saw an add on tv about dementia and thought this was my way of getting him to doctors when I mentioned it his response was diverted to me saying Yes I think you should go see about this problem. I knew then that I wasn’t going to get him to the doctors. We are both retired now and I am so sick of walking on egg shells with his aggressive behaviour due to his confusion and frustration over the small things.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,896
0
Yorkshire
hello @Worried Wilma68
A warm welcome to DTP

So sorry to hear of your situation ... it's so hard when you know that something isn't right but the person isn't able to see it and thinks they're fine, especially if your husband is aggressive

you can go have a chat with your GP and let them know what's happening and the effects on you ... ask the GP whether they can invite your husband in for an age related 'well man' check up

now you've found this supportive and understanding community, do keep posting
 
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Worried Wilma68

New member
Feb 1, 2022
5
0
Thanks for reply I did speak to my GP about 12 months ago and I told her about the situation she said to both come in for testing that way he may come in but he wouldn’t.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
151
0
It must be so hard when OH won't accept there is a problem. Living with someone with dementia is hard enough, but the verbal abuse and aggression is soul destroying and difficult to deal with. The only way I cope with it now is that I live in my bedroom mostly, ignore the jibes and insults, and don't ask for help with anything because it only sets him off. This has been a huge challenge for me - I usually fight my corner. But it has also meant that I am learning to lose the guilt and look after my own needs. Because OH can still be left alone I go out as much as possible and meet up with friends and our children. Because he has always been difficult, and rude to almost every one I know, he has no real friends, and because he has been abusive to me for many years now he has lost me too. It is sad but I tried for years to help him but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I hope you can find a way of creating a life for yourself that you can enjoy