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Husband not admitting there's a problem

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
28
0
clitheroe
Well what can I say? Thank you seems such a small word. My head, my emotions and my attitude has changed today thanks to all your comments and support. I'm just adapting and supporting my oh, relax and enjoy having him still, even if he's changed, he's still here, he still laughs, he still chats with me. It doesn't seen like the most important thing to get the doctors involved yet, I know it will come, but maybe not just yet. I pray you all have moments of peace and get enough sleep, you're important. Than you again, I will be using this forum lots in the future I'm sure, its the best thing.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
402
0
I really recommend that you do as much as you can (eg days out, weekend breaks) before your husband's dementia gets too bad.
 

Jan L

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
94
0
I don't know what to do. I've been worried about my oh for a few years now. (maybe 4Y) at 1st I talked to him about seeing a doctor and he was worried and said he would think about it. Some time later when I asked if he'd though he got angry and shut the conversation down. Things seemed to stay the same for a long time and I learnt to live with it, thinking it might just be age. (he 73 now). Recently he has got worse, other people are asking me if he's OK, and it's becoming noticeable how he's changed. I decided last year I had to let him know how bad it was so I kept telling him when he'd forgotten something or got things mixed up. He then told a friend I was trying to make him beleive he was loosing it. He said later it was a joke. Then he said I accused him of having dementia. He has always been an exteerly capable man, very hard working and fit. His attitude is doctors are for weak people. 2/3 months ago I noticed things have got much worse, I've tried to just be a support and help, but his problems have never been mentioned. I feel they can't be ignored any longer but when I try to bring the subject up I can't seem to find the words, what to say, he seems to think what's happening is normal and it's far from it. Have I covered up too much? Have I reassured him too much? Oh god I can see the future and I'm so scared.
My Husband was the same he wouldn't acknowledge he had a problem, we were permanently disagreeing about everything and our once happy marriage eroded away to me just nagging him over everything. I pleaded with him to get help, but he said I was imagining it and refused. He was in otherwise good health, but did have a couple of occasions to visit the Doctor, neither time could he express himself to tell the Doctor what the problem was, instead of the Doctors questioning why he couldn't tell them himself, they just sighed and turned to me and asked me to tell them. This was about 12-15 years ago, I eventually got him to go to the Doctors for diagnosis 6 years ago by which time the Specialist's diagnosis was Alzheimer's Disease/Vascular Dementia, Moderate/Severe.

He is now unable to speak at all or understand what I say to him, but because he never acknowledged he had a problem we have never discussed anything meaningful relating to him or me. It is 20 years now since I spotted the early signs so it has been a long time, a third of the time I have known him, since our relationship was anywhere near what it once was.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
402
0
JanL, that’s such a long time that you have been dealing with your husband’s dementia. I am so sad for you. Was he very young when he first showed symptoms?
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,283
0
Thanks, MartinWL.

If Newanne’s husband hasn’t seen the GP for a while what do you think he would write in the report? There’s no diagnosis of any kind and the GP has no concerns personally about his cognition. Could he go on the information that Newanne has given him in a letter / email or would he call him in, either on some pretext or by request (saying that he needs to see him about his licence)?
I suspect this will depend on the GP, he might call him in on a pretext or refer your husband to the memory clinic. Some GPs are more tactful than others. If your husband refuses an appointment I suppose he might report that fact to the DVLA and they might insist on a medical examination or else revoked the licence, but I am not sure exactly what process there would be. In my father's case he had had a scan whilst in hospital for another illness so there was hard evidence. I hope your GP will be more diplomatic than my father's was at first!
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
17
0
Well I tried - I sat my oh down told him how much I loved him, explained we were in this together. Told him he needed to see a doctor, explained it could be other illnesses causing the symptoms. He asked a few question, "what have other people said?" "what sort of things do I do?" asked me not to get upset, (impossible). The he stood up saying we really need to get started on cutting the hedge. Thats it, that was 2 days ago, nothing since. Should I bring it up again? Should I leave him to think about it? Does he even remember what was said? I wish there was a rule book on how to deal with this illness.
Hi, I was in a very similar situation except my husband is younger, now 67. I'd tried to get him to docs but he couldn't see that anything was wrong and can be quite awkward anyway. I wrote a letter to the doctor detailing his behaviour and my concerns so they had it on file. After yet another incident about a year after the letter I made an appointment for myself, the doc was very good and said based on what I'd said she really needed to see him and made appt for next day. At first he flatly refused to go but eventually did when I said if there was nothing wrong with him he had nothing to lose so please go just to humour me.
When we got there I was surprised how amenable he was doing the memory test but the doc was very good with him. After brain scans to rule out anything else he was diagnosed with Alzheimers three months later. This was a year ago and he still doesn't accept anything is wrong with him even though he was told directly by the consultant. He won't take the medication prescribed.
Best of luck.
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
17
0
This is interesting. In the early stages, I knew my mum had dementia because I saw/spoke to her more than the only other family member - my brother. I knew because I'd researched dementia years ago when I went into early meno and thought I had it! I knew because I'd discovered this wonderful site and had been reading the posts for years. I knew because mum could have been a poster girl for Alzheimers, exhibiting all the 'classic' behaviours and problems. But mum was healthy, hadn't seen a doctor for years and was living on her own, independently, many miles away. We were not close and I only saw her for a few hours every couple of months.

I knew there was zero chance of a diagnosis. I struggled over what to do then realised it made little difference to mum at that time. She didn't actually need help and wouldn't have accepted it anyway. She had a little insight at that point and would sometimes say, 'I'm always getting mixed up these days.' I decided just to watch and wait and that did work for a while. I'm certain a diagnosis would not have changed what happened. (There was a fall, hospital then things got really bad and I had to move mum from there to a care home.)

Many people expect action following a diagnosis, whether that is meds, help, support, further appointments, etc. Most people are disappointed! Often the experience of diagnosis is, 'Yes - he/she has dementia.' If you're lucky you get a sympathetic smile and a bunch of leaflets. What you don't get is much in the way of help and your day to day life will not change one iota.

So maybe there would be nothing to gain from a diagnosis for your husband at this point. I do think it's important to keep a record of things though, detailing changes in his behaviour or lapses in thinking that would indicate deterioration. You do have the option of writing to his doctor giving this info and detailing your concerns. They dont have to talk to you directly but they do have to take notice! You might suggest the GP invites your husband in on some other pretext.

Meanwhile, you're doing a sterling job! Make sure you get some time for yourself.
I agree there isn't much help forthcoming after diagnosis apart from some leaflets, but a diagnosis does mean you can claim Attendance Allowance for the PWD and reduced Council Tax. Neither is means tested. Our local Memory clinic was exceptionally helpful with the AA form, going through it and re-writing it in the right jargon so the answers ticked the right boxes.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
2,223
0
High Peak
I agree there isn't much help forthcoming after diagnosis apart from some leaflets, but a diagnosis does mean you can claim Attendance Allowance for the PWD and reduced Council Tax. Neither is means tested. Our local Memory clinic was exceptionally helpful with the AA form, going through it and re-writing it in the right jargon so the answers ticked the right boxes.
You can claim AA without a diagnosis - I know because we did (and got it!)
 

liz b

New member
Sep 16, 2021
1
0
This is interesting. In the early stages, I knew my mum had dementia because I saw/spoke to her more than the only other family member - my brother. I knew because I'd researched dementia years ago when I went into early meno and thought I had it! I knew because I'd discovered this wonderful site and had been reading the posts for years. I knew because mum could have been a poster girl for Alzheimers, exhibiting all the 'classic' behaviours and problems. But mum was healthy, hadn't seen a doctor for years and was living on her own, independently, many miles away. We were not close and I only saw her for a few hours every couple of months.

I knew there was zero chance of a diagnosis. I struggled over what to do then realised it made little difference to mum at that time. She didn't actually need help and wouldn't have accepted it anyway. She had a little insight at that point and would sometimes say, 'I'm always getting mixed up these days.' I decided just to watch and wait and that did work for a while. I'm certain a diagnosis would not have changed what happened. (There was a fall, hospital then things got really bad and I had to move mum from there to a care home.)

Many people expect action following a diagnosis, whether that is meds, help, support, further appointments, etc. Most people are disappointed! Often the experience of diagnosis is, 'Yes - he/she has dementia.' If you're lucky you get a sympathetic smile and a bunch of leaflets. What you don't get is much in the way of help and your day to day life will not change one iota.

So maybe there would be nothing to gain from a diagnosis for your husband at this point. I do think it's important to keep a record of things though, detailing changes in his behaviour or lapses in thinking that would indicate deterioration. You do have the option of writing to his doctor giving this info and detailing your concerns. They dont have to talk to you directly but they do have to take notice! You might suggest the GP invites your husband in on some other pretext.

Meanwhile, you're doing a sterling job! Make sure you get some time for yourself.
My husband was prescribed Gatalin - slower release than ericept, which is supposed to slow down the alzheimers.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
28
0
clitheroe
Well I've settled down a little the panics I was having are less and I'm managing to prioritise when to take myself out of a sitution. However I have a problem a just don't know how to tackle it. We both play in a brass band and my husband has been the one to organise everything from the sheet music, uniforms, instruments and all the jobs we do, making bookings sorting payments etc. He's been doing this for over 30y.. But now its me who seems to be taking on that role, just telling him when to ring someone, what to say etc. Its been very difficult the last few weeks, as you can imagine Christmas is always a busy time for us and he's forgotten phone calls, made booking by mistake, taking booking then saying he didn't, I'm just mopping up after him every day. I did tell him some weeks ago that he would have to stop doing it but he's obviously forgotten. How on earth do I make him hand over the responsibility? How do I tell him he can't do it any more? It's part of who he is, how he sees himself.
He's aware people are now coming to me rather than him for things that need doing and he's getting upset about it. I think he's feeling I'm going behind his back. I know there's no easy answers but I just need to rant. Thanks everyone for being there. 😢
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
3,164
0
Dorset
If his capabilities are now affecting other people then maybe you have to talk to them and ask them to ask him to stand down from his post. If it is brought home to him that other people are noticing that he is experiencing difficulties and making errors then you can suggest a visit to his GP?
 

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