My husband has advancing dementia and thinks I am a friend not his wife. He constantly asks me to call his wife so she can pick him up and take him home. When I cannot do this, he gets very upset. He will not be distracted from this thinking no matter what I say. Has anybody had this experience and does it eventually stop? I can take the physical side of care giving but the mental strain is very difficult.
Husband does not recognize me as his wife
- Thread starter katlady47q
- Start date
My husband was not recognising me or our home for 2 years before he went into nursing care. Luckily he accepted my explanation for his wife not being there for a while and if I could distract by getting him to help me do something or go out for coffee and cake we got through each question of where was his wife. We would usually have the question a couple of times during the day and then constantly at night.
The evening ones were a
Little easier because I would say she has missed the train and has asked me to ask you to stay here until she picks you up tomorrow. He was always happy to do so but was always surprised when I got into bed with him.
The evening ones were a
Little easier because I would say she has missed the train and has asked me to ask you to stay here until she picks you up tomorrow. He was always happy to do so but was always surprised when I got into bed with him.
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Hello Katlady.
I am afraid this is quite common.
My mum first forgot my Dad , they had been married over 50 yrs at the time. We tried explaining but nothing worked, it was the memory loss.
The only thing mum accepted was when I said
He is that nice man you like.
One of our members had a similar problem to you, what she used to do was phone her mobile and whilst sitting beside her husband he would talk to his wife over the phone whilst sitting right next to her.
Perhaps this would help.
What I do know is nothing works all the time and the questions always start again.
Sorry not much help at all.
I don't know if this old thread on here about Compassionate communication will be of any help
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
One thing I eventually discovered was, my mum believed she was much younger than her 80+ yrs so it was impossible for this middle aged lady in front of her , me, to be her daughter. Could it be the same with your husband.
I resorted to what we call love lies on here .
I am afraid this is quite common.
My mum first forgot my Dad , they had been married over 50 yrs at the time. We tried explaining but nothing worked, it was the memory loss.
The only thing mum accepted was when I said
He is that nice man you like.
One of our members had a similar problem to you, what she used to do was phone her mobile and whilst sitting beside her husband he would talk to his wife over the phone whilst sitting right next to her.
Perhaps this would help.
What I do know is nothing works all the time and the questions always start again.
Sorry not much help at all.
I don't know if this old thread on here about Compassionate communication will be of any help
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
One thing I eventually discovered was, my mum believed she was much younger than her 80+ yrs so it was impossible for this middle aged lady in front of her , me, to be her daughter. Could it be the same with your husband.
I resorted to what we call love lies on here .
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I dialled the home number onmy mobile and handed it to my husband, then I picked up the phone in the bedroom and talked to him. I told him I was helping someone out and that I would come home as soon as this person was better.
It worked, he told me all about the chat he had with his wife.
We used to go looking for her every so often until he was tired and I would persuade him to come back to my house until the next day
One time he did know who I was and "confessed" tome that he had stayed with another woman once when I was not home.!!
I found all this very stressful, as I am sure you do. Sending love jeannette
It worked, he told me all about the chat he had with his wife.
We used to go looking for her every so often until he was tired and I would persuade him to come back to my house until the next day
One time he did know who I was and "confessed" tome that he had stayed with another woman once when I was not home.!!
I found all this very stressful, as I am sure you do. Sending love jeannette
Dear Katlady l have the same problem so distressing, my hubby crys alot as he doesn't know where his wife is, he just wants to know if she is alright, l tell him she has gone away for a few days, and she will be back soon he sit in the front room looking for her car to come up the road my car sits on the drive but he doesn't recognised it, thix hax been going on for about a year, so l have kinda got used to it. We have been togethef 54yrs. So sad this is a wicked disease ♡♡♡
This must be so upsetting for you.
It seems to be a common problem possibly because the short term memory is poor and some long term memories are more easily recalled. My Mum has lately started asking when she is going to be taken home - she is at home and has lived there for nearly 50 years. Sometimes she thinks her husband is a different man with the same name. It seems to be intermittent. She often calls me by my daughter's name and visa versa. Unfortunately, I do expect it to get worse.
A former neighbour had the disease and did not recognise his wife. He also used to say he was going back to camp (he had been in the army). He often would go into the house next door and use the toilet!
Interesting point made by lin1 about the concept of age. My Mum can never remember her age (87). She didn't want to go to the Day Care Centre because it is full of "people older than her that must be about 50!" She also said that her mother had a baby at 80 - she was in fact in her 40s.
If it is of some consolation my Mum has calmed down a bit lately. She still thinks she is away from home, but doesn't seem so agitated about it.
Take care.
It seems to be a common problem possibly because the short term memory is poor and some long term memories are more easily recalled. My Mum has lately started asking when she is going to be taken home - she is at home and has lived there for nearly 50 years. Sometimes she thinks her husband is a different man with the same name. It seems to be intermittent. She often calls me by my daughter's name and visa versa. Unfortunately, I do expect it to get worse.
A former neighbour had the disease and did not recognise his wife. He also used to say he was going back to camp (he had been in the army). He often would go into the house next door and use the toilet!
Interesting point made by lin1 about the concept of age. My Mum can never remember her age (87). She didn't want to go to the Day Care Centre because it is full of "people older than her that must be about 50!" She also said that her mother had a baby at 80 - she was in fact in her 40s.
If it is of some consolation my Mum has calmed down a bit lately. She still thinks she is away from home, but doesn't seem so agitated about it.
Take care.
Whilst caring for my late wife I learned in my own way how to deal with many of the problems as they surfaced. My approach to memory problems was: like a box of tissues, first in last out. Of course my wife did not recognise this old fellow looking after her, her husband she remembered was a much younger man!
I was very fortunate in being capable of caring 24/7 on my own, year on year at home, right up to the very end. Joining the pieces of the Alzheimer's jigsaw together I found very interesting. A lot of it made sense once I entered her world. She had no medication for Alzheimer's over the 13 years plus. To know you are wanted, loved and cherished for yourself no matter what the illness brings, I believed was the best medication.
I'm not sure if this is of any use, just 'my way', so I don't post much.
I was very fortunate in being capable of caring 24/7 on my own, year on year at home, right up to the very end. Joining the pieces of the Alzheimer's jigsaw together I found very interesting. A lot of it made sense once I entered her world. She had no medication for Alzheimer's over the 13 years plus. To know you are wanted, loved and cherished for yourself no matter what the illness brings, I believed was the best medication.
I'm not sure if this is of any use, just 'my way', so I don't post much.
Thanks to all of you for your responses. It helps to know I am not alone in dealing with these issues. I am so thankful for this forum.
My husband of 44 years every evening says where do you live don't want you here you must go I'm a complete stranger he won't be appeased wants his wife back and is so concerned for her welfare on medication to help with mood gets very very cross. Love,y man during the day so mentally wearing.
I am in a similar situation in some ways. Last year my husband of 40 years was sat next to me eating dinner and suddenly asked where I was. It took 6 months to find out he has Alzheimers Dementia. He has no awareness of the illness and seems to be getting worse quite quickly and gets very annoyed with me and for the first time ever got hold of me by the shoulders last week. He is on 3 regular medications plus one to calm him if really necessary. If I disagree with him at all he gets annoyed and some nights I’ve had to sleep downstairs or make the spare room bed up because I wasn’t his wife and therefore couldn’t be in the same bedroom. It is very hard indeed and I wish there was some wonderful answer! In the past I have gone upstairs or even out in the car and changed clothes, rung the home phone from my mobile and said I’ll be back in 10 minutes etc and occasionally it has worked and then I’ve had a grilling about ‘where have you been ‘ and a telling off. It is very difficult now as he tends to follow me when he doesn’t trust who I am so I can’t really do the ‘disappearing act’ and re-appear as his wife. I’ve also sent a text to myself saying that I will be home late or my Mum is I’ll and I’m having to look after her and to be nice to the lady who is with him as she is my friend and is being really helpful and she will make him a meal etc and it is ok for her to stay the night. All I can say is good luck and you are not alone.
The same thing happened to me my husband got up one morning and told everyone I had left him if anyone asks for me he says I don’t live here anymore I’m not allowed any of my post he gives it to the daughters at first he said he didn’t know where I went but now he says I live up the road with some man I find it so hard at times though we sleep in the same room except some nights he doesn’t let me in and I end up sleeping in the spare room the thing is he thinks I’m a carer and will tell me to go home he is alright on his on and he thinks I’m different carers coming in he will say to me is the other one away are u on now will u be working here tomorrow
This is an aspect of dementia I wasn’t expecting to happen so soon Everyone says how well he looks but they don’t know what it’s like 24/7
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