Husband and family view different from mine! Help!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Maldives13, May 15, 2015.

  1. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Hi Canary. That is really helpful thank you. I'm sure as time goes by and I can take her out it will get just like you say. I can't wait for that day but it really helps to hear from someone who has trodden that path before me. Bless you x
     
  2. angelface

    angelface Registered User

    Oct 8, 2011
    1,086
    london
    Hi Maldives,
    So sorry you are finding it so hard that Mum needs to go into care

    Certainly it is hard,but could you try and look at the advantages of the CH.? Mum is warm and clean,laundry and cleaning done,food and drinks given. Company to chat to,and someone to help 24/7 should disaster strike.

    Sending ((hugs)) to you,and hoping things become easier.
     
  3. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire
    My MIL moved into a CH a year ago, mainly because of falls. She had very mild VaD at the time so was pretty compos mentis about the whole process ....and she told us it was absolutely the right decision. She hated carers letting themselves in, she hated being on her own and she acknowledged that she'd pretty much given up looking after herself. She looked like a scary character from a Roald Dahl book, tbh.

    She's put on over a stone in weight, has her hair and nails done (the hussy:D), loves the food, companionship and outings (inc. ten pin bowling :confused:) and freely admits she is having the best time she's had in years.

    Moving into care these days isn't what it was a generation or two ago. And now that MILs VaD is progressing, it's even more reassuring that her future is secure.
     
  4. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    257
    Norfolk
    That could be me talking Jane. I so wanted to keep mum at home but I couldn't do it alone. She has been in care since January and is happy and content. It's me that cant cope!
     
  5. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Angelface and chemmy - thank you both. I am hoping as time goes on and I see how well she is looked after I will feel better. Thank you so much for putting the good points. Daisydi - that may be the truth of it. I have been so involved for so long with Mum on such a level that I feel I have lost my focus of she is not at home. Sending you a hug and hoping you feel better soon.
    I really cannot thank you enough for your support. It will help me get through tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Bless you all for taking time.
    What a great place TP is.
    Jane x
     
  6. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Okay maybe I need a bit more help guys! Social worker visited and Mum said she likes it there so social worker happy and agrees for Mum to stay there. Had a meltdown after I left as leaving her is so hard. Positive side - she is well looked after and the staff are brilliant. Negative - I just want to pick her up and look after her myself! Today I went in and she was very confused. Had 3rd bad night sleep in a row. They wonder if she has a uti so trying to test her. That's positive. At least they are on the ball. Was upset as she wanted to ring me or my sister this morning and they wouldn't let her. Guess they are trying to get a balance here. I feel so bad and hurt so much. Daisydi -, me and you both! Not sure how to cope with this really.
    Thanks all. Jane x
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,642
    Female
    South coast
    If shes got a UTI that could easily be the cause of the confusion. Mum had a UTI recently and for the first time in a long while was asking to go home again :(
    UTIs can have a really dramatic effect on people with dementia. Its really upsetting to see it, but remind yourself of the reasons why she is there, and, as you say, the staff are on the ball.
     
  8. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire
    #28 Chemmy, May 23, 2015
    Last edited: May 23, 2015
    My little granddaughter was two in March and started a lovely little nursery for two afternoons a week after Easter. She is getting herself worked up about going during the mornings and was hysterical on Thursday as my daughter took her in....but as soon as Mummy goes, she's fine - and we've seen the photos to prove it. :)

    Once you've seen her little lower lip trembling and her eyes looking anxious, and her words "Stay home, play Mummy", it's heart-wrenching and the easiest thing would be to say "OK, you needn't go."

    But we know that's not the best thing for her in the short and longer term.

    I'm sharing this little anecdote because sometimes we just have to put our own feelings aside and do what's right for those who cannot decide for themselves.

    You and my daughter aren't the important ones here. Your mum and my granddaughter are. Sometimes you just have to tough it out :)
     
  9. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Maybe that's not a bad idea - perhaps I should ask the home to take some pictures of Mum when I'm not there so I can see she is settled. Care home manager disagrees about the infection and says she doesn't think it's a water infection so is going to do another test last night or today!
    I wish I could fast forward a few weeks so that I can have mum to me for a cup of tea or a spot of lunch. She hasn't been out for 3 weeks almost now and is getting restless.
    I know this will all get better but I still want to be involved in my Mums care. She is still my Mum and I am still here for her. I am remaining positive especially when I'm with Mum but my goodness I do miss her x
     

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