Husband and family view different from mine! Help!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Maldives13, May 15, 2015.

  1. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Please looking for some help. Mum just had 2 weeks respite for the first time ever. She did ever so well and amazingly mingled! Much more than I thought she would! However I think it was because she knew it was temporary. She after a week is now saying she is tired and wants to go home. Said everyone has been really nice but she wants to go home now.
    My next question is - my family and hubby included think we should find her a permanent care home! Mum doesn't want that and never has. She does wants to be at home and end her days there! I'm with her , but no one else is.
    I have suggested live in carers but my family think that she should be in a home.
    How do I get through this and I wish I knew the answer! She still has some mental capacity so I feel she knows what she wants.
    I feel so torn and feel I will be betraying my Mum if she goes into a home against her will . What an unenviable decision

    Thanks for just reading guys?
    Best wishes
    Jane
     
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,776
    Salford
    Hi Jane
    You could work out the relative cost of the two and see if that helps. If the local home charge £800a week you can buy a lot of care at home for that amount plus a little help from the family and see if it's feasible for a time at least then play it by ear.
    Faced with the cost of care they may consider the care at home option.
    Equally if everyone else thinks it's a bad idea are you letting your heart rule your head in wanting to keep her at home?
    If she still has enough capacity to change her will let's hope she doesn't write you all out for putting her in care and give it to the cats' home:)
    K
     
  3. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    If your heart rules your head, know that you'll have to go it alone because they'll all think they knew better.
    If you can bear the 'I told you so's' when you're exhausted and need a shoulder to lean on, go for it.

    I did. A life without regret is full of joy when it's looked back on, I must admit it's utterly exhausting and infuriating in the doing but my siblings live a life tinged with regret, they are honest enough to admit it.

    Good luck and best wishes to your little Mum.
     
  4. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Hi both. Thanks so much for replying. Mum is social services funded but has enough money to cover live in care for about a year using direct payments and savings. I want to give her that time to try it and get used to the idea of going in a home. I am letting my heart rule my head but I'm not sure I can live with the guilt if she goes in against her will.

    She is so little bless her.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    Hello Maldives

    You have nothing to lose to try the direct payment option for as long as you can. It will help your mum get used to other people ,who are not family, caring for her and helping her.

    At least you will be satisfied you did your best. Regrets are dreadful feelings to live with. You need to be allowed to protect yourself from regrets as far as possible.

    It is what helped me and my husband. Direct payments and carers coming in helped him get used to others. When he went into residential care he settled well with only a couple of teething troubles.
     
  6. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    801
    North East
    Hi Jane does your mum usually live with you? Or on her own somewhere near? Is the family who think she should go into a home your siblings or your children?
    I'm guessing that people can see the toll that caring is putting on you and wanting to help you by encouraging you to let her go into a home. It is well worth checking out all options as suggested above to see if you can get as much help as you can and go from there. Would rolling respite be an option? Say every 6 weeks she goes to a home for a week. Just another thought to go in to the mix.
    I don't know how much support you get from family but make sure that you look after yourself. This is not just important for you, it's just as important for your lovely mum too. Xx
    Good luck.
     
  7. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,902
    Female
    Scotland
    I think Susy is on to something there. Since your Mum took to the respite short term why not try regular week long respite so she gets to know them and gradually try longer spells?
     
  8. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    How lovely of you to take time to reply. Mum was living at home on her own with 3 care visits a day. She had been outside at night a few times. We have an alarm on the door so I get called round. I was on holiday for a week and my sister imploded! Couldn't cope and she organised respite. The home is lovely and staff are wonderful. They have offered Mum a permanent place yesterday as they have a vacancy. One sister wants to grab it as mum is safe there. My other sister wants her at home but admits she can't cope any more. Looks like the best alternative is the care home but it breaks my heart and my mum wants to go home. All the son in laws think mum should stay there as well. Trouble is I'm a big softie who will never know when to say to my lovely mum - you can't go home!! I know I wouldn't say exactly that but I feel sick every minute at the moment. Sorry long post but thank you . Jane xx
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    I never told my husband he couldn`t go home. I told him his doctor said he needed to build up his health and strength . Not 100% accurate but so much easier to come to terms with than the blatant truth.

    If you can get your family to sing from the same hymn sheet it might make it easier for your mother to settle
     
  10. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    Jane, what advice would you give if it was your best friend in this situation? That can help to think without the emotional heat you feel. Like you i promised my mum i would keep her home. When she started to have falls, not cooperate with carers, try to bathe alone, not eat or drink and worst of all be very scared during the night something had to give. You might not think you are there yet but ask yourself " is mum safe?". Her safety has to come first. Leaving the house at night sounds worrying to me despite your alarm. She needs 24hr care so figure out how. Care home or some other way. We have all been there and are on your side. We will never judge. You love her.
     
  11. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    801
    North East
    I'm with Grannie G here. If you do decide that the care home is the best place for your mum then she never has to be told the harsh fact that she is never going home again. It can be put off by saying lots of different things such as the house is being worked on or the doctors want her to be a bit stronger before you can go back. These love lies will keep her settled and happy. There is no point in telling a harsh truth that will upset you both, not if a love lie will keep her safe, warm and comfortable.
    The main thing would be for all your family to keep communicating with each other so that as things develop and change you all know what has been said and accepted so no further upset or confusion happens.
    X
     
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,992
    Suffolk
    I haven't told OH that he's not going home yet, despite the fact that he's been in the home nearly 5weeks ( all respite) and as of Tuesday, he will be permanent.
    The annoying thing is the Carers think he's lovely, but why couldn't he be lovely with me ( rhetorical question, don't bother to tell me!). I suppose the real question is, how long before he starts being nasty to them?
     
  13. AnoviceinN1

    AnoviceinN1 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2014
    55
    I would add, from personal experience, don't underestimate the difficulty of finding a really good care home. If your mother is happy there and she is well looked after, that is a huge plus - compared with having to compromise on what might be available in an emergency situation. I would also echo Garnuft's point that, if you do decide to bring your mother home, you need to be prepared to do much/all of the looking after yourself because your family sounds as if they are unable and/or unwilling to share the load. If you are sure and that you can and want to do this, by all means fulfil her wishes, but I would consider very carefully the impact on your own life. I don't envy you in this dilemma at all. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
     
  14. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    #14 RedLou, May 17, 2015
    Last edited: May 17, 2015
    I told my father he wouldn't be allowed back to his flat in the hope it would make him reconsider returning to the UK (he lives abroad) so that I could keep a better eye on him. It did not change his mind but neither did he remember it. Before long, he was back to 'I'm going back to my flat when I'm better.' I can't do 'love lies' on the important stuff. I feel it's important I'm honest so there's no excuse for him to turn paranoid towards me and that's my bottom line. I don't necessarily volunteer information but if he asks me a straight question, he gets a straight answer.

    Spamar - till the first UTI?
     
  15. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Thank you all. I guess the care home option is looking the best. They are lovely and hopefully if I know it's that I can take mum out for the day and have her to my house for lunch. Sadly as this disease progresses they will know her and she will know them. Sadly this is not helping me! I still want to run away with her or curl up and die! My goodness this has been the very worst part of my life. This is worse than anything I have ever experienced! Thank goodness for your support as I know it will eventually get easier. I said to my husband - when we go on holiday again I know Mum will be safe. I know my sister won't go into meltdown ! I wish these positives were helping. How hard is this pain x
     
  16. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    Exactly! My mum is also lovely to strangers and I am thinking the same. I wish sometimes I had a video running as no-one believes what has happened in the past.
     
  17. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    We all understand your pain and just wish there was something to say. Its a terrible disease so we all do the best we can and struggle on. At least you know we are all here for you,
     
  18. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,992
    Suffolk
    RedLou, he had a probable chest infection at wk 3. He was so zonked, he didn't trouble anybody the first three days! He seems to have recovered and I have been told he's settled well and they all love him! But yes, UTI will be interesting, he hasn't had one yet ( at all). Constipation will also be interesting! He has always been subject to it, though it's more often these days. He doesn't react well, is all I will say!
     
  19. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    164
    Just a little update! Meeting the social worker at the care home tomorrow. Seems everyone thinks this is the best thing for Mum and the family! I'm still not sure but just want the best for her. I know I can't do it on my own so feel I have no choice. I'm great when I go and visit Mum. I'm very positive and bright and what a lovely place. When I come out my heart breaks. I am crying all the time and am so struggling to cope. Please tell me this will ease as time goes on. I feel like I have had my heart ripped out of me. Don't know how to feel better.
    Thank you. Jane x
     
  20. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    Hi Maldives
    Mum has been in a care home for nearly a year now and I think it has been the best thing for her. She had been really struggling in her home and had become pretty paranoid, but now she is calm, content and has put on a bit of weight. I can go and visit her at the home just like I could when she was in her own home. I can take her out for lunch, or an outing to the sea-side which she really enjoys. While I am there she orders tea and biccies for us both just as if she owns the place - which in her eyes she does, as she thinks it is her own apartment :D

    I think it is the whole concept of a "care home" and the realisation that she can no longer look after herself that is the problem, but try and think of it another way. Would it help if you thought of it as if it were her home with live-in carers?
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.