Husband and abusive daughter.

[Kapow]

Hi...my husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia and alzheimers last year,although the symptoms were there for around five years previous.He has been married before and has a daughter in her thirties,and prior to the diagnosis didn't have any real contact with his daughter.On the diagnosis I informed his daughter and she then started visiting her father.Anyhow,to cut a very,very,long story short,his daughter has reported me to Social Services for "abuse and bullying"of her father,and needless to say,no grounds were found to support her allegations against me.As you can imagine,this has caused a permanent rift between us,and some considerable upset between myself and my husband.I have received threats of violence against me by the daughters husband and verbal abuse...both of which are logged by the police.The reason for the post is that I just feel as if I am totally sideswiped in this matter because I do not want to see this daughter ever again and not in the house but my husband asks every now and again why she no longer calls,then gets abusive and saying I am stopping her from visiting....As we all know it was Father's Day yesterday and she called,knocked on the door and spoke to her father at the door,then went away...now she is ringing him as if nothing has happened and it's so frustrating for me,and I know my husband cannot remember what has happened,yet he asks me why I am upset,but then cannot grasp the enormity of what his daughter has done.The consultant dealing with my husband suggested his daughter have her father at her house for a week to give me some respite(this was prior to our fall out)and I am sure she used this time to quiz her father because when he came back home he was very agitated and demanded I return his cash card(joint account)…..oh there is sooo much more I could add,but it would take forever.I do have POA and we both have made wills.The question is...can a solicitor(or even myself)write a letter or take some form of action to protect myself because I have a feeling that now the daughter has contact again she will want to take her father out to her house,where the quizzing will start again,and I do know that if there is a second complaint against me it can be very serious indeed,resulting in my husband being removed to a home for his own safety,to protect him against me(!)pending the investigation.

 

[Weasell]

Are you suspicious that her new found love and interest in her father may be money motivated? Because that is what occurs to me?

 

[Grannie G]

Family interference when one of the family has dementia is intolerable, @Kapow and from what I've seen here on DTP even more difficult to resolve in step families.

You are your husband`s next of kin and primary carer and do not deserve even more stress than you already have.

I know how hard it is to shake off the upset caused by family dispute and all I can suggest is you stand firm. It might help to contact Dementia Connect.

: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementiaconnect

Homepage | Dementia Connect

dementiaconnect.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Kapow]

Are you suspicious that her new found love and interest in her father may be money motivated? Because that is what occurs to me?

Indeed...I do know they are heavily in debt...however,they know I have POA and thus control of the purse strings..you are correct

 

[Kapow]

Family interference when one of the family has dementia is intolerable, @Kapow and from what I've seen here on DTP even more difficult to resolve in step families.

You are your husband`s next of kin and primary carer and do not deserve even more stress than you already have.

I know how hard it is to shake off the upset caused by family dispute and all I can suggest is you stand firm. It might help to contact Dementia Connect.

Exactly.I find it disgusting that I was reported when it is clearly lies....tbh there are no words to describe my feelings.I know I am his next of kin...and to quote his daughter"So ******* what? I am his daughter,it's not a competition"...and this is in front of her father! She says the house belongs to her father and not jointly...I know this is utter rubbish but as you say,I certainly don't need this on top of everything else I am coping with.

 

[Palerider]

Hi @Kapow

I feel for you and its not uncommon -you only need to read threads on here.

When my dad died there was a huge rift caused by my brother resulting in a huge spat on his behalf and interference with mums solicitor who in the end asked my brother to leave his office and showed him the door. This went on for months and I had to ask the solicitor about taking out a court injunction if it continued as he was upsetting mum continuously and she'd had enough. The advice was that the courts would just see it as a spat because it was a one off, but I think in your case it might be worth taking some advice on how best to proceed in a way that benefits all parties concerned. Be strong and stand your ground.

 

[Weasell]

The trouble is bitterness about what she didn’t get in the past.
Desperation brought on by debt.
And greed about what she could get in the future are such a toxic and dangerous mix?

I would add a question to those you have already asked.
Is it possible she could take him to a solicitor and get a new will drawn up, then go
‘ look what we have here ‘ if he were to die?

 

[Kapow]

Hi @Kapow

I feel for you and its not uncommon -you only need to read threads on here.

When my dad died there was a huge rift caused by my brother resulting in a huge spat on his behalf and interference with mums solicitor who in the end asked my brother to leave his office and showed him the door. This went on for months and I had to ask the solicitor about taking out a court injunction if it continued as he was upsetting mum continuously and she'd had enough. The advice was that the courts would just see it as a spat because it was a one off, but I think in your case it might be worth taking some advice on how best to proceed in a way that benefits all parties concerned. Be strong and stand your ground.

Thank you....You know,eveyone knows how easy it is to care for someone with dementia,especially when they are the ones not doing it! Normally speaking I would have no qualms about his daughter seeing him regularly but I do have evidence that his daughter used the time that she looked after him in order to question my care of him,when I went out and came back,and so on.The thing is,my husband wants to see her,then says he doesn't because he remembers what happened,then the next day doesn't....You say your mum had had enough...this is the difference,my husband asks why she doesn't call and so on...it's causing a hell of a lot of friction...I am a very strong person but at times I just feel as if I am reaching the end of my tether as I am trying my very best to care for my husband at home,and just know that when the time comes to make that difficult decision to place him into a care home that will be construed as shirking my responsibilities.

 

[Kapow]

The trouble is bitterness about what she didn’t get in the past.
Desperation brought on by debt.
And greed about what she could get in the future are such a toxic and dangerous mix?

I would add a question to those you have already asked.
Is it possible she could take him to a solicitor and get a new will drawn up, then go
‘ look what we have here ‘ if he were to die?

A very good question...this is what I am going to ask our solicitor whilst asking about a legal route

 

[Lawson58]

I too have been through all the horrors of a step family and it is so hard to deal with. How awful this woman is, she is still your husband's daughter and of course we all get that he desperately wants to maintain a relationship with her.

I am fortunate that all my painful ones live half a world away but that doesn't stop a grandchild trying to extract money from him.

When all this was blowing up into tatters, this person referred to me as a 'ferret faced witch' which I thought was hilarious. Only this morning though, OH suggested that I might go and buy a birthday present for this person. I told him that I wasn't going to do that but if he felt he wanted to do it then that was up to him to buy it, wrap it and post it off which of course he won't do. He did say that he understood why and considering that he has written them all out of his will, I know he does..

The only thing I can suggest is that you grow a very thick skin and try and step back a little. You know why she is attacking you but she would have done that no matter what you are like as a person. You have POA and I don't believe that she have that changed so stand firm. If your OH gets a bit nasty, shrug your shoulders, walk away and leave him to it.

 

[canary]

Im sorry to hear about your husband and his daughter @Kapow . As others have said, it seems to be quite common in families, especially where step children are involved.

I too certainly thought about the money aspect, but there might also be an element of the daughter believing everything that her dad says. It is really common for people with dementia to become obsessed with money and to think that someone is stealing from them. My mum told all the neighbours that I was stealing from her and trying to take her house away and think that , at least to start with with, they believed her.

Yes, I would develop a thick skin and not allow her to have unsupervised visiting of him. With regards to your husbands upset - he is unable to understand the reality of the situation, so you will have to use "therapeutic untruths" aka "love lies" to give him an answer that will will not upset him, but answer his need for an explanation. Perhaps she is on holiday, or really busy at work, but she will come soon .

 

[Weasell]

I think you can get legal advice free if you belong to a trade union?

Finding free or affordable legal help

Find out how to get legal help if you're on a low income, including advice from a law centre or legal aid solicitor, and trial or tribunal representation by a pro bono barrister.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk

I wonder if anyone knows any other way of getting free, or reasonable priced legal help?

 

[Kapow]

I too have been through all the horrors of a step family and it is so hard to deal with. How awful this woman is, she is still your husband's daughter and of course we all get that he desperately wants to maintain a relationship with her.

I am fortunate that all my painful ones live half a world away but that doesn't stop a grandchild trying to extract money from him.

When all this was blowing up into tatters, this person referred to me as a 'ferret faced witch' which I thought was hilarious. Only this morning though, OH suggested that I might go and buy a birthday present for this person. I told him that I wasn't going to do that but if he felt he wanted to do it then that was up to him to buy it, wrap it and post it off which of course he won't do. He did say that he understood why and considering that he has written them all out of his will, I know he does..

The only thing I can suggest is that you grow a very thick skin and try and step back a little. You know why she is attacking you but she would have done that no matter what you are like as a person. You have POA and I don't believe that she have that changed so stand firm. If your OH gets a bit nasty, shrug your shoulders, walk away and leave him to it.

Yes.....I cannot imagine being so vindictive as to make such an accusation against anyone,especially in a case like mine.You mentioned your OH suggesting buying a present for someone and you said you weren't going to but he could...now my OH would at this point become verbally abusive and suggest that I am unfeeling and have got it in for his daughter...oh yes,I know all the ploys and it is upsetting for me nevertheless.I do have POA but was wondering as someone said on here...could she take my husband and get him to change his will? I really don't think she could,well,she COULD but it would be invalid due to the POA being in place?

 

[Kapow]

I think you can get legal advice free if you belong to a trade union?

Finding free or affordable legal help

Find out how to get legal help if you're on a low income, including advice from a law centre or legal aid solicitor, and trial or tribunal representation by a pro bono barrister.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk

I wonder if anyone knows any other way of getting free, or reasonable priced legal help?

I'm not a member of a trades union...I have taken unofficial retirement around 10 years ago.....

 

[Grannie G]

I really don't think she could,well,she COULD but it would be invalid due to the POA being in place?

Is the POA registered? I`m not sure but it might make a difference. From my experience, the POA is registered when the person with dementia is considered to have lost capacity.

 

[Kapow]

Is the POA registered? I`m not sure but it might make a difference. From my experience, the POA is registered when the person with dementia is considered to have lost capacity.

Yes it is...apparently it's registered when the y receive it at the other end,I asked my solicitor....the person does not have to be considered to have lost capacity...anyone can apply at any time for POA...it's there to safeguard the person....if the person has lost capacity that is a whole new ball game and you have to go through the courts to gain POA...that's why it's sensible to get it before the person reaches that stage,if that makes sense?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I do agree that this daughter is up to no good - please do not trust her!

In her eyes, you are the evil stepmother, trying to influence her father and turn him against her, probably taking all her rightful inheritance...

Make sure you never leave them alone together. I think she would definitely try to get him to change his will.

 

[Weasell]

Im sorry to hear about your husband and his daughter @Kapow . As others have said, it seems to be quite common in families, especially where step children are involved.

I too certainly thought about the money aspect, but there might also be an element of the daughter believing everything that her dad says. It is really common for people with dementia to become obsessed with money and to think that someone is stealing from them. My mum told all the neighbours that I was stealing from her and trying to take her house away and think that , at least to start with with, they believed her.

Yes, I would develop a thick skin and not allow her to have unsupervised visiting of him. With regards to your husbands upset - he is unable to understand the reality of the situation, so you will have to use "therapeutic untruths" aka "love lies" to give him an answer that will will not upset him, but answer his need for an explanation. Perhaps she is on holiday, or really busy at work, but she will come soon .

I am very impressed at Canary seeing the ‘ invisible problem’ here!
In addition to the obvious you will have a secondary problem!
Every time he says ‘ it would be nice to see Julie’?
you must feel your body fill with stress.
You need a plan, a menu of things to say, ( about five options ) So

She may well be on holiday !
I think she is busy with work !
They get so busy socialising with their friends, time just fly’s !
I think they wanted to get some decorating done?

The immediately go into distraction techniques

I don’t know whether to cook chicken or spaghetti Bolognaise tonight?
I am going to put on a black wash is there anything of yours I need to add to it?
I really fancy chips from a chip shop, when did we last have some?
Did you say we were running out of biscuits or was it something else?
Is that a woodpecker in the garden!

Then go to the toilet.

If he persists acknowledge he needs to see her, but claim a headache or tummy ache and say it can be sorted out tomorrow!
Its always tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow in my house!

And never underestimate the power of distraction.

 

[LadyA]

Yes it is...apparently it's registered when the y receive it at the other end,I asked my solicitor....the person does not have to be considered to have lost capacity...anyone can apply at any time for POA...it's there to safeguard the person....if the person has lost capacity that is a whole new ball game and you have to go through the courts to gain POA...that's why it's sensible to get it before the person reaches that stage,if that makes sense?

Goodness! That's not how it is here. You can do an Enduring power of attorney at any time. However, you have to do it through a Solicitor, who needs to meet with and certify that the person understands what they are doing, and what powers it gives the Attorney. The person's gp also has to meet with them, and certify that they have mental capacity. However, the enduring power of attorney cannot be registered until both the Solicitor and the gp have certified that in their opinion, the person has permanently lost mental capacity. (for example, my own mum lost capacity twice now due to UTIs, but her power of attorney couldn't be used, because it wasn't a permanent loss of capacity). Once permanent loss of capacity has been established, it can be registered in the Courts, but the Notice parties have to be notified that you are registering it, and they can object, if they feel it isn't necessary.

 

[canary]

I think it is very different between UK and Ireland @LadyA . In UK, unless it is specified in the POA you dont have to wait until there is loss of capacity - as soon as its registered it can be used, but if that person still has capacity it is to be used with their permission. If the person who granted the POA is not happy with it being used, they can of course still revoke it (as long as they have capacity to do so).