Update
It's almost a week since that blazing row and....gosh, how things have changed in a week!
My job offer has been confirmed, I've cancelled my carer's allowance, and I start next week with a training course. This I am really looking forward to!
It's a funny saying I heard somewhere, that if you stop banging your head against a brick wall, it will stop hurting. That's exactly how I feel right now! What I mean is, I have decided not to get stressed about my in-laws' denial about their parents' needs. And guess what? I accept that's just how it is! What a relief it is to feel acceptance of the situation!
My OH and his siblings had a meeting earlier this week. I refused to take part, which I think shocked them. They have decided to replace the care I provided with a combination of more daytime visits from the care agency, and extra work to be done by my SIL. So no real fundamental change to the caring arrangements as yet.
Hey ho. Let it be. Just relax and..... breathe....
It helps me that I have received validation of my own point of view about my MIL and FIL's care needs from 2 external sources in the last 2 days. Firstly, my MIL's brother visited yesterday. He commented to me that if he were responsible for their care, he would have either employed a live-in carer, or put them both into a care home by now. It is obvious to him that the present arrangements are simply not enough for them.
Secondly, I took my FIL to hospital today, for a series of pre-op tests for a potential hernia operation (this is the last of the commitments I'd made that I'd promised to see through this week). When I described the current care arrangements, the pre-op assessment nurse was horrified, and made it very clear to me that they are inadequate. He said that my FIL should be supervised 24/7 now. He also said that FIL has lost capacity, and should he 'pass' the pre-op tests, the hospital will hold a Best Interests meeting to decide whether or not to proceed with the operation. I gave the nurse my SIL and BIL's details, and said that they would attend this meeting, not me.
Another development is that my FIL had 2 falls earlier this week. He was completely unable to summon help using his personal alarm. My MIL was completely unable to press his alarm for him, or use the alarm in the hallway. Her response was to knock on my SIL's door (she lives across the road from them). Fortunately, FIL only sustained some minor bruising on each hip, but it goes without saying it could have been so much worse. However, my SIL has convinced herself that this is entirely due to his UTI, and he will get better and probably won't fall again. So no need to keep an eye on him then. Ok. Relax...and breathe....
Actually, there is one more thing I can do before I 'sign off'. The pre-op nurse suggested I write to their GP to explain my concerns. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it would salve my conscience that I have done everything I possibly could to get MIL and FIL the care that they need. On the other hand, it would force the issue of getting social services involved, it would be pretty obvious who had raised the issue, and it would risk alienating the in-laws for good. I'll sleep on it - and I'd welcome your views, as always!
Thank you for your comments and for reading my threads. I'm glad if they have helped in some small way. x