Hurt over Christmas plans

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by DMac, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    Jennie, you always say the same words that I was going to say! Oh what the heck ...

    Wow! Well done DMac, that must be some sort of record :D
     
  2. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Update

    It's almost a week since that blazing row and....gosh, how things have changed in a week!

    My job offer has been confirmed, I've cancelled my carer's allowance, and I start next week with a training course. This I am really looking forward to!

    It's a funny saying I heard somewhere, that if you stop banging your head against a brick wall, it will stop hurting. That's exactly how I feel right now! What I mean is, I have decided not to get stressed about my in-laws' denial about their parents' needs. And guess what? I accept that's just how it is! What a relief it is to feel acceptance of the situation!

    My OH and his siblings had a meeting earlier this week. I refused to take part, which I think shocked them. They have decided to replace the care I provided with a combination of more daytime visits from the care agency, and extra work to be done by my SIL. So no real fundamental change to the caring arrangements as yet. :rolleyes:Hey ho. Let it be. Just relax and..... breathe....

    It helps me that I have received validation of my own point of view about my MIL and FIL's care needs from 2 external sources in the last 2 days. Firstly, my MIL's brother visited yesterday. He commented to me that if he were responsible for their care, he would have either employed a live-in carer, or put them both into a care home by now. It is obvious to him that the present arrangements are simply not enough for them.

    Secondly, I took my FIL to hospital today, for a series of pre-op tests for a potential hernia operation (this is the last of the commitments I'd made that I'd promised to see through this week). When I described the current care arrangements, the pre-op assessment nurse was horrified, and made it very clear to me that they are inadequate. He said that my FIL should be supervised 24/7 now. He also said that FIL has lost capacity, and should he 'pass' the pre-op tests, the hospital will hold a Best Interests meeting to decide whether or not to proceed with the operation. I gave the nurse my SIL and BIL's details, and said that they would attend this meeting, not me.

    Another development is that my FIL had 2 falls earlier this week. He was completely unable to summon help using his personal alarm. My MIL was completely unable to press his alarm for him, or use the alarm in the hallway. Her response was to knock on my SIL's door (she lives across the road from them). Fortunately, FIL only sustained some minor bruising on each hip, but it goes without saying it could have been so much worse. However, my SIL has convinced herself that this is entirely due to his UTI, and he will get better and probably won't fall again. So no need to keep an eye on him then. Ok. Relax...and breathe....

    Actually, there is one more thing I can do before I 'sign off'. The pre-op nurse suggested I write to their GP to explain my concerns. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it would salve my conscience that I have done everything I possibly could to get MIL and FIL the care that they need. On the other hand, it would force the issue of getting social services involved, it would be pretty obvious who had raised the issue, and it would risk alienating the in-laws for good. I'll sleep on it - and I'd welcome your views, as always!

    Thank you for your comments and for reading my threads. I'm glad if they have helped in some small way. x
     
  3. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    What a difference a week makes! Well done you.

    Personally I would write that letter, without anyone being aware of its existence, and drop it off to GP. You don't have to sign it even just put from a concerned family member maybe.

    The GP is not allowed to disclose who sent it, what it says anyway, but I'd be tempted to put in it the two comments made to you that confirms your doubts of the family coping etc.

    Good luck with the job, enjoy the freedom and here comes your new life.
     
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,785
    Female
    London
    I'd say let them get on with it first, see how they cope. It might be that they figure it out for themselves when they get comments from other relatives and pre-op nurses. It might also be that the GP doesn't react to your letter or SS say they can't react on hearsay. Unless it's a safeguarding issue, they prefer to wait for a crisis!
     
  5. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Thank you MrsBusy and Beate. I'm always so grateful and touched by the kind and thoughtful advice I receive on this forum. It helps me so much. :)

    On this occasion, I'm going with Beate's advice. This is mainly because I had a long chat with my SIL at the weekend. The conversation was calm and reflective and, whilst we did not agree, we were able to express our different viewpoints without falling out. It seems to me that my SIL has considered her point of view very carefully, and she has rationalised in her own mind that it is better for her parents to enjoy a better 'quality of life' in their own home for as long as possible, even if that involves being exposed to some risks.

    Also, I'm inclined to think Beate may have a point in that SS will probably not react to what they may perceive as hearsay. This is because SS visited my FIL only 3 months ago, and at that time they were of the opinion that everything was OK. They would probably need to be convinced something has changed dramatically if they are to take action.

    That's not to suggest I'm becoming complacent. I did relay the nurse's comments to my in-laws. One BIL was clearly concerned about the comments, and I sense that it may just be a matter of time, or maybe one more incident, before he steps up and says it's time now to take action.
     
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,310
    Yorkshire
    Hi DMac
    I think you're right, again - things are bubbling under and your FiL's family are stepping up and are more aware - time will tell.
    I think you're an amazingly strong, caring and capable woman. Those for whom you will be providing support in your new career have gained a real gem.
    And personally, your posts have helped me to step back from a situation that was not going to improve just because I want it to, without feeling I am walking away:
    "They also serve, who only stand and wait."
     
  7. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Aww, thank you Shedrech! I appreciate your kind words.

    I start my training tomorrow. I expect it will be very useful. I will report back!

    Take care. x
     
  8. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Update

    Despite good advice and intentions otherwise, the plan is that OH and I will take MIL and FIL to BIL's house after all tomorrow. We just have to see how it goes. I have a feeling this will be the last time any of us attempts anything like this again. :eek:
     
  9. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,552
    Ireland
    Well , you have done all you can to warn them. Obviously, they will only learn the hard way. Hard on your parents in law, but not your responsibility anymore. Deep breath, DMac, and keep breathing! Let us know how it goes. Xx
     
  10. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Thank you Lady A - it all went as well as I could have wished for, as it happens. FIL was rather reluctant to make the journey, but once at BIL's house he was ensconced in a comfortable chair, and had his dinner brought to him on a lap tray. He didn't really engage with anyone, though. MIL on the other hand enjoyed the company of her grandchildren and seemed to have a really nice time. OH had to be careful not to drink, as he was doing all the driving, and I had to be organised with the night-time routine. Otherwise it was OK. I hope all TPers had a good day too.
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,310
    Yorkshire
    So glad to hear that all your efforts paid off and you all had a pleasant day - hope Boxing Day can be a bit more merry for you :)
     
  12. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Thank you Shedrech, I hope you have a good day, too. I'm off to watch a football game with OH this afternoon. That always provides a bit of relief and release! :)
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.