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Hurt over Christmas plans

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,761
South coast of England
(((DMac))) sorry that everything has come to a head like this. Sorry that you had need of a shout. Sorry that your outlaws won't see what is under their noses.

Your caring won't come to an end though, people either care or they don't - and you do.Maybe you will find other outlets for your love and nurturing.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of everything.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,603
Ireland
Sorry too that it has come to "back against the wall " time. But maybe it needed to. Some good may come of it, who knows? Because, while not wanting to sound hard, your parents-in-law have their own children there, and their care should not be falling primarily on YOU. But as long as you are doing it, I'm sure everyone will be happy for you to carry on doing it.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,163
Yorkshire
Morning DMac
I've just caught up - nearly replied to your other thread, but more appropriate here.
This will sound harsh; I'm pleased that finally you have (literally!) walked away.
You've been stuck between a rock and a hard place - put upon and put down by a family which needs to accept full responsibility for the very sad situation their parents are now experiencing.
Please, do not back track. You have supported them all; you have done more than your share. You are allowed to step down and take back your own life.
They will step up and they will deal with what needs to be done in their way - allow them to, allow them to succeed or fail. Just let them be.
Be pleasant, support your husband - but keep your distance, keep your thoughts to yourself, keep your own council. If you visit, make it as the DiL you are, make it a social visit, enjoy your time with them - be content to leave them behind when you go home.
Make sure your husband grasps the antibiotic concern and the application for higher Attendance Allowance and leave it to him to do what he decides is to be done.
I do wonder what the Christmas arrangements are - I hope you are content with them!
I'm so sorry for all the upset ( I sympathise, honestly, I've been pushed into a situation I hoped to avoid too, however my dad is cared for, that's all that really matters).
I wish you the strength to see this through and I wish you peace of mind.
 

tatty

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
61
Agree with eceyone else's comments , PLEASE do not change your mind, if the in laws don't have any guilt regarding their own flesh and blood _ don't you.

Know how it feels when the'family' expext you to sort eveything out but are quite happy to tben say how it could be better as long as it's not them doing it. Personally the thought that one day I will never have to speak, see or have anything to do with in laws is what helps me carry on!:D:D:D
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
Surrey, UK
Morning everyone, and thank you for all your messages of support and encouragement for following through on the 'walk away' plan. I can't tell you how much this means to me right now, and how much it is helping me through a truly terrible time.

Yesterday was a difficult day. I went to church as usual in the morning (I'm Catholic), with the row still blazing in my head still. I sat quietly through the service and thought about all that I'd said and done and how I should ask for forgiveness. It did (always does) help me to calm down and see things in a different perspective. After the service, as I was walking back home, I was left with a calm feeling and a realisation. My in-laws (or out-laws ha ha!) are NEVER going to see the situation as I see it. They will always see me as the one who over-reacts, over-cares, is over-sensitive to DIL's needs in particular when he should just JOLLY WELL GET ON WITH IT (to paraphrase a SIL). Nothing will change unless I change it.

So when I got home, I spoke again to my OH, this time more calmly. I repeated what I'd said on Saturday. I told him that I'm cancelling my carer's allowance today (Monday), and am starting to look for a job straight away. I said I intended to stop my present caring arrangement at the end of this coming week (to see through a couple of commitments I'd already made). I told him that I'm going to look for a job as a carer, 35 hours a week. If there is an opportunity to work over Christmas, I'm taking it (this is all pre-supposing I get accepted an am working by then, of course!). I said I'd keep New Year's Eve and the day before free, as we have an invitation to stay with friends in another city then. But otherwise, it was for him to work out suitable caring/ entertaining arrangements for his parents over the Christmas period. His reaction was - 'I see'. We went to a football game later on in the day, but hardly spoke for the rest of the day.

Later in the evening, we visited MIL and DIL as we usually do. It was mostly a social visit, and we raised the subject of going to BIL's at Christmas. As I predicted, MIL was quite happy with the idea, but DIL was adamant that he DID NOT WANT TO GO. He is still obviously suffering from the UTI and is still somewhat confused, but on this matter his wishes seem pretty clear. So, it's up to my OH now. He can either force my DIL to go, or he can stay with them in their home and eat a home-cooked dinner with them. If I have some free time on that day, I will join them for dinner. I might even cook it for them. Actually, I will probably buy a ready-meal, that we can stick in the freezer if not needed. So that, as far as I'm concerned, is the plan for Christmas.

I did put DIL to bed as I usually do on a Sunday. His urine output was very slow and dark and still looks & smells infected. He has finished his antibiotic course already because of the overdosing a few days ago. This morning, I did have a brief wobbly moment and was sorely tempted to pack my bag and go back to them. But reading your posts has given me the resolve to see through the 'walk away' plan. It has to be done. Wish me strength everone, and thank you again for your support.
 

ellejay

Registered User
Jan 28, 2011
4,019
Essex
Keep going, you're doing so well & you know it's the right thing to do. I know how easy it would be to cave in, but be strong .

Courage my friend :)

Lin x
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
Good for you DMac. Been following your thread and I'm cheering you on as you reclaim your life and your choices. Don't let anyone try to guilt-trip you. And they very possibly will do - if only because it makes their own lives so much easier. Go, girl!
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
DMac, I've been reading this and your other threads. I am in awe, and just wanted to say, good on you and well done. I hope you might pop back in once in a while to keep us posted, and I wish you all the best in your job search.

You are an inspiration!
 

Floss64

Registered User
Oct 30, 2015
3
Thank you for sharing this!

I have read all the posts on this thread with interest .My dad has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and it has come as a bit of a shock.I work four days a week, luckily in a very flexible role (ie I organise my own diary and can 'pop out' for appointments on approval from my boss.etc.But I don't know how long I can do this for )

The comments about booking a holiday made me laugh out loud ..and then as the thread went on I realised that you have been caring for your in laws , probably for more than 35 hours a week for carers allowance .Good for you for giving it up.

Christmas is a sticking point in my family too.My sister who lives abroad and is coming home for the first christmas in years at first said she was coming home to see dad (and other friends and family) and wished to spend the christmas meal at our house.She has obviously now had a better offer and is eating at friends..making the lame excuse that she wants to be with her husband and children , but her husband wants to eat with HIS mum (who also has dementia).It hurt at first , but now I really am not bothered and am going to enjoy the day with MY family and Dad , as I know it might be the last Xmas he will either be alive or remembers.

I am glad i found this site, it has given me lots to think about ...you seem like a great, supportive lot.Do any of you ever meet up?
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
Surrey, UK
I've got a job!

Your caring won't come to an end though, people either care or they don't - and you do. Maybe you will find other outlets for your love and nurturing.
Thank you everyone for your kindness and encouragement over the past few days. I've picked Slugsta's comment in particular to respond to, because I have indeed found an outlet for my caring nature. I have today been offered a job as a Care Assistant with an agency. WOOHOO!!! :D:D:D

I think it's good news for a number of reasons.

Firstly, it gives me a solid premise to stick to my resolution to step back from MIL and DIL's caring needs. It will be hard for anyone to ask me to do anything for them, if I'm working that day!

Secondly, I will gain some practical training and experience in caring for others. I've written before about my frustration over the lack of training available for carers.

Thirdly, it will help me gain a sense of perspective about how others cope in similar situations. I have often felt frustrated at the lack of 'reference points' to help with decisions such as: should we introduce more care at home now? If so, what kind? When is the right time to consider a care home? I could go on!

Last but not least, I will be earning my own living!! Oh yes indeedy! That will help to make up for the loss of the carers' allowance!!

Ok, yes, you are right - my caring won't come to an end, not entirely. But I hope that this way, I can become a more effective adviser/ confidant to my husband, as he and his family consider the options for their parents' care.

By the way, the siblings are meeting up tonight to discuss their parents' care needs. I have told my husband that I won't be there. I feel it's not appropriate now, as none of the other spouses will be there. They have all the latest facts and information from me. They don't need my opinions. As has been said before, now is the time to allow them to find their own way and if they fail... they fail. :eek:
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,163
Yorkshire
Blimey DMac, that was quick - good for you :)

How different in tone is this latest post - got your mojo back, and some :D
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
My goodness, that WAS quick. Well done!

You do sound better in your post today. Thanks for letting us know about your new job, as well as the situation with your in-laws, and I hope you'll continue to keep us updated. I, personally, would love to hear about your new job as a professional carer versus your prior experience, but what you choose to share is up to you, of course.

Congratulations! We need a virtual bottle of bubbly to toast you!
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
Surrey, UK
My goodness, that WAS quick. Well done!

You do sound better in your post today. Thanks for letting us know about your new job, as well as the situation with your in-laws, and I hope you'll continue to keep us updated. I, personally, would love to hear about your new job as a professional carer versus your prior experience, but what you choose to share is up to you, of course.

Congratulations! We need a virtual bottle of bubbly to toast you!
Thank you all for the congrats and good wishes! Yes, I will definitely keep you updated with progress!

I'm off in a bit to the gym and then a therapeutic session in the swim/ steam room/ jacuzzi. Just what the doctor ordered! Thank you for the virtual bubbly Amy - I will be virtually drinking it and will be toasting you all whilst I relax!

Cheers everybody!! :)
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,815
Chester
Congrats on your job.

Hope it all goes well with the family meeting and that you are not expected to do anything, which you can't do now you have a job. You did your best and it wasn't appreciated. Maybe some of the denial will end soon. :rolleyes:
 
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RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
Yay! *applauds madly* Glad to hear you're going to the gym and enjoying yourself, too. You sound as if you're found yourself again.