1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

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Hurrah!!! Good news

Discussion in 'Legal and financial issues' started by tryingmybest, Oct 3, 2015.

  1. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    So finally, after a year long fight, five months of court hearings, interrogations, writing statements, having people inspect my home over and over again, and people continually questioning my poor mother, social workers, psychiatrists, solicitors and unimaginable hell, Mum and I are delighted to let you all know we have won our case in court today to allow Mum to live here with me!!!

    My sister also did not get Deputyship for Finance, and sadly nor did I as my sister said she would contest it if they gave it to me. To avoid my poor Mum paying further solicitors costs and, also to protect me from my sister being unreasonable in the future, have decided to let the LA do it for now and then appoint a Panel Deputy although I am concerned about elements of this but will wait and see.

    My sister was still insistent on regular contact (despite Mum not wanting to see her and my sister having not previously contacted Mum for several years!!) so Im afraid I had to compromise on this as again, it could have resulted in the case dragging on. I have had to agree for her to visit Mum in my home initially every fortnight, with an SW present throughout and for me to leave the house for them to have privacy. Not happy at all but it was the only way forward unfortunately. I'm hoping she may lose interest in time but yesterdays contact resulted in my coming home to finding my Mum shaking and sobbing uncontrollably, blaming me for leaving her alone and querying why she was still being put through this, as she thought it was all over and settled. She doesn't understand that the so called professionals are insistent on her having regular contact with my sister. Madness and I don't know what to do but fear there is nothing I can do now.

    I think this whole experience has totally broken me and it will take time to heal so at the moment I am not feeling the euphoria I expected to. At the end of the day however, I do believe the judge saw who was the good daughter and who not, and made the right decision for my Mum to live out her days well loved, safe and cared for and never to be emotionally nor financially abused by anyone again. The judge praised me for my extreme courage but there was never any choice. I would fight to my last breath for my Mum.

    Finally, a huge thank you to all of you for your support and love in what have been the darkest days of my life.
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    Very good news, although I recognise it's not the perfect solution. But your mother is safe and well-protected and that's the most important thing.
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    Excellent news. Your mum is safe & you can get on with caring for her without all the distraction & pressure.
     
  4. Chaucer 1931

    Chaucer 1931 Registered User

    Mar 30, 2014
    226
    I've only just come across your posts,but I would like to give you big virtual hugs for all of that what you have gone through and the battle with the "professionals" to contend with,and for sticking to your guns to do what you and your mum have always ever wanted to be able to do-live in peace and be able to take care of her.. I wish you all the very best,and it gives me hope,my battle is just beginning. Xx
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,426
    Yorkshire
    Thank goodness!!!:):):)
    Such very good news
    thank goodness for you and the courage you have shown SO pleased that the judge recognised this and acknowledged it publicly
     
  6. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Well done, you have fought for Mum so strongly. I suppose this is probably the better outcome available to the court, even though your sister still has to be involved. Perhaps, in a few weeks if she is still visiting, you could treat yourseslf to me time while the SW is there, and also the SW may be able to stop Mum getting too upset by cutting the meetings short if it is having a bad effect.
    I know it's a tainted victory but it is still a victory.
     
  7. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    Agree with everyone, you are so brave!
    Also agree with Cragmaid that the Social Worker must not stand by and allow your Mum to be upset, but should be looking after her best interests, always.
    I do hope your sister's visits get less as time goes on, and you and your Mum can be left in the peace you both deserve.
    It's a mad world sometimes.......
     
  8. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    Thank you everyone. Yes Cragmaid indeed. A tainted victory in some ways but definitely a victory and I guess I am sort of proud of myself for finding the courage to keep going in the face of adversity. X
     
  9. In a Whirl

    In a Whirl Registered User

    Feb 23, 2015
    62
    #9 In a Whirl, Oct 3, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2015
  10. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,561
    North West
    Excellent news. Well done!
     
  11. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    Emotionally exhausting for you and I have no doubt the pain of it all will trail you for years but you were vindicated and justice (which has two sides) has prevailed.

    Cut yourself some slack by letting your sister loose, let her go.

    I think you showed your sense of fairness and justice by being willing to allow your sister to visit your Mum in your house, by making yourself scarce you made yourself the bigger person.

    Well done.

    And when the thoughts of unfairness creep back into your mind...remind yourself...you did the RIGHT thing.

    And that's that. :)
     
  12. Poppyfields

    Poppyfields Registered User

    Sep 12, 2013
    68
    Excellent news

    There is something you can do - If you truly feel that your sister's visits will distress your mum, make this clear to the court.

    The SW should also be notifying the court - although given our experiences with them, they are only concerned in having a quiet life and not rocking the boat
    Speak to them and tell them it is not in your mother's best interests (SS loves this phrase) for these visits to continue

    Perhaps recording the meetings would be a good idea
     
  13. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Very glad to hear this news. Just take a breather now, and see how things are in a few weeks/months. If sister keeps visiting, and mum is still distressed, try to make sure SW is keeping proper records of this and that she is around to be a witness to mum's reaction. You can then ask for advice about how to minimise distress with a clear conscience.
     
  14. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Firstly very well done and congratulations on your successful court hearing. I'm know how horrible it is when you have to attend these things and how intimadating the whole day and process seems, so we'll done you!

    Secondly, if the social worker is there in your house basically it will be supervised contact similar that granted to abusive parents and their child. The SW will make notes of all that goes on, conversation reactions and body language etc. this will all be on file should you ever need it in the future, hopefully not. Most supervised contact is set up to kind of test the person supervised to see how much they really want the contact, ie if they cancel or just don't show up this needs to be logged in a diary. If she's late to arrive or makes excuse to leave early should also be logged. This would show that the person isn't that bothered about contact but just wants yo be a thorn in your side and your mums. So now is the time for her to prove how committed she is.

    Another tip for you is if you can just before the SW arrives leave your mobile phone, that just happened to fall out your pocket, under the armchair or settee set on recording for the duration of the visit. You can then have an idea of what is said and write it down just in case. You may not be able to play the recording in court if needed but if you have it written down it should tally with SW records. Obviously you need your mobile so maybe just use a cheaply one on the days you go out so you aren't without one. This method was used to catch a child minder out in America who was harming a child .

    Take each day as it comes now and enjoy your mum too!
     
  15. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,336
    Female
    South coast
    Im so glad that your mum can stay with you and that it is finally over.
    OK, its not a complete success, but probably the best in the circumstances. It wouldnt surprise me if your sisters visits tail off - after all, she has nothing to gain now.
     
  16. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    You are amazing! Well done you. no wonder you feel bruised but what an inspiring story for the rest of us.
    Poor you and Mum still suffering visits - hopefully this will have less impact or the SW will see the light as your Ma is so upset afterwards
    Well done, enjoy the bits you can now x
     
  17. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    Thank you so much everybody for your kind words.

    Re visits I have decided to email the SW and copy in all the relevant people on this case to let them know how this visit affected my Mum. The visits are set out in a court order the first 3 at fortnightly intervals for 2 hours duration with an SW present. However it transpires the SW left after 3/4 hour and sister left 20 minutes early so it is unclear what happened to make Mum so upset or whether it was purely the fact of my not being there for 2 hours that upset Mum?

    I think I ought to ask the SW to be there the whole time next time.

    I also think in the light of the obvious distress caused by the visit someone should review this but they will probably still be insistent on forcing this contact to take place. I just cannot bear for my Mum to have to be put through this but they will just think I'm being difficult!!

    Dont know what to do really.
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,668
    Kent
    The social worker should not have left your mum alone with your sister. That was not the agreement.
     
  19. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    Tmb this has made my day! Your love for your mum and determination to protect her are a testament to the power of love.
    I understand why euphoria is delayed, you have been put through such mental torture.
    Now comes back to life and its other problems. I so hope all goes well
     
  20. justiceformum

    justiceformum Registered User

    Sep 28, 2015
    9
    A Mother's Love

    Hello & Well done
    So inspired by reading your posts.
    Cherish your Mother but also cherish yourself.
    Your hard work has been recognised and you can sleep a little easier knowing your Mother is safe.
     

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