This is the 1st time I have used this forum , my hubby aged 87 , thinks I work here , we live together in a bungalow,,and keeps asking what happened to the old lady he lived with all his life , he was brought up with his Granny , talks to me about his children (asks if I have any etc ) just wanted to write something to people who understand , I know things are going to a lot worse but for now ,thanks for listening
Hubby thinks i am somebody else
- Thread starter Evaline
- Start date
Hello @Evaline. Welcome to the forum.
My husband had similar problems with me. He used to want to go out every evening while sundowning to get home to his real wife.
It sounds as if your husband is going back to his childhood days when he was looked after by his granny.
It might not get worse. There came a time when my husband accepted me. I don`t think he had the capacity to rationalise who exactly I was but I was happy he saw me as a friend and no longer needed to search for his real wife.
It`s painful at first but quite surprising how much we can get used to.
The priority is for your husband to stay as peaceful and calm as possible and if you can find the right answers to his questions it will help you both.
My husband had similar problems with me. He used to want to go out every evening while sundowning to get home to his real wife.
It sounds as if your husband is going back to his childhood days when he was looked after by his granny.
It might not get worse. There came a time when my husband accepted me. I don`t think he had the capacity to rationalise who exactly I was but I was happy he saw me as a friend and no longer needed to search for his real wife.
It`s painful at first but quite surprising how much we can get used to.
The priority is for your husband to stay as peaceful and calm as possible and if you can find the right answers to his questions it will help you both.
Thanks Grannie G it is good to hear your story, his diagnosis has happened over a video call and medical history during the first lock down ,so it is a bit of a learning curve ,I quickly learnt not to insist his Granny was dead and I am still here, you have brightened my day .
Hi @Evaline, and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You are certainly among people who understand. You'll get lots of help and support here.
It sounds as if your husband is quite content, specially if you don't argue the toss about who you are. It is odd not correcting people with dementia, but is the only sensible course of action as you'll never win an argument.
Have you seen this thread. Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired, as it gives some very helpful tips as to how to deal with tricky conversations. Don't beat yourself up if you don't always succeed. I found it very tricky when my mother was insisting things were true that obviously weren't. When I managed it, it did help.
Have you got things in place such as Lasting Power of Attorney and Attendance Allowance?
It sounds as if your husband is quite content, specially if you don't argue the toss about who you are. It is odd not correcting people with dementia, but is the only sensible course of action as you'll never win an argument.
Have you seen this thread. Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired, as it gives some very helpful tips as to how to deal with tricky conversations. Don't beat yourself up if you don't always succeed. I found it very tricky when my mother was insisting things were true that obviously weren't. When I managed it, it did help.
Have you got things in place such as Lasting Power of Attorney and Attendance Allowance?
Yes this happened often to me though usually for Short periods. Sometimes I was my mother or perhaps a sister but through it all he never forgot my name oddly enough. It is a blow when it happens but you need to remind yourself it is not a reflection of his feelings about you and just the fickleness of his brain during this illness. Hang on in there and talk here when you need to be heard.
My mother would refer to me as her friend. It is difficult and it hurts but it's something we do get used to. I also quickly learned not to tell my mother her parents were dead. Both died in 1970 but she would worry about them in 2005. She would ask to see them and I would always agree and say "Let's go the day after tomorrow, as I have a dentist appointment tomorrow". When Mum would say something I knew wasn't so, I would say "Oh really?" "That's interesting" or "I didn't know that" or something equally bland.
I know exactly what you’re experiencing. About 18 months ago, my husband told me his wife had left and gone to her sister’s (taking his money with her!)
a few weeks later he told me she had died. That has never changed. He is very happy to have me here with him, whoever I am! He regularly shows me photos of the two of us including our wedding photo, and always tells me it’s his wife and she has died. i have to live with it, and am glad he is happy to be with this new woman!!
as other have said, you just get used to it.
a few weeks later he told me she had died. That has never changed. He is very happy to have me here with him, whoever I am! He regularly shows me photos of the two of us including our wedding photo, and always tells me it’s his wife and she has died. i have to live with it, and am glad he is happy to be with this new woman!!
as other have said, you just get used to it.
This happened to me during my husband's illness but in our case it always came in very short and sporadic episodes which made it easier to cope with.
I think that what made it easier was that, in those moments when he did not necessarily understand that I was his wife, he did at least feel comfortable with me being around, whether that was as a friend or a lady who in came to cook and clean.
I think that what made it easier was that, in those moments when he did not necessarily understand that I was his wife, he did at least feel comfortable with me being around, whether that was as a friend or a lady who in came to cook and clean.
This is obviously quite common and comments above are reassuring. My wife of 42 years has recently questioned who I am, whether I have ever been married, whether I have any children (we have two) etc. It is certainly disconcerting but I am getting used to it. It seems that my wife is living in parallel universes switching from recognising me in old pictures but not knowing where I fit into the present. Fortunately she doesn't seem to mind me being around!
People with dementia often regress to an earlier time in their lives - they think they are much younger, hence imagining their parents are still around.
My mother told me I was too old to be her daughter (thanks mum!) as the image she had in her mind when she thought of me was obviously a much younger me. She would say she had a daughter J but hadn't seen her for years. But she would introduce me to carers as her daughter. Such are the complexities...
My mother told me I was too old to be her daughter (thanks mum!) as the image she had in her mind when she thought of me was obviously a much younger me. She would say she had a daughter J but hadn't seen her for years. But she would introduce me to carers as her daughter. Such are the complexities...
My Mum recently had a few spells similar to this. It was on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I, my husband and our son spent both days with her. In the late afternoons she suddenly thought my husband was somebody completely different; an old friend of my Dad's. She was talking to him as if he was that person asking if he still lived with his parents in the same house, (they would have been well into their 100's by now!) and asked me if I was giving him a lift home when we were leaving. The next morning she knew perfectly well who he was and even remembered he'd been unwell and asked if he was getting better. (He'd had bowel cancer surgery in November.) Then, at tea time the same thing happened and she asked me why he'd been invited.
