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Hubby does not know who I am

Angtrog

Registered User
Mar 25, 2020
75
I remember my mum saying to me What will you do when he doesnt know who you are anymore? Well that day has come OH said to me at teatime so who are you then when I said its the wife he said I seem to recognise you but Im not sure. Dont know how Im really feeling at the moment shocked and numb but i knew one day it would happen. Where do we go from here I ask myself? Two strangers living in a house he doesnt know who I am and I feel as if I am losing him day by day. Damn dementia!!!
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
327
Terribly sad. You will need all your reserves of patience and courage. Keep sharing! Best wishes.
 

Hayley JS

Registered User
Feb 20, 2020
88
I know, it's heart breaking, you know it's going to happen, you think you are prepared, it'll be just another smack in the face from dementia, but when it does happen it really is a shocker.

A couple of months ago mum and I were sat on the sofa, watching TV and chatting on and off, when she turned to me and said 'where's my son?', I said 'oh I think he's on a holiday abroad somewhere, not to worry your good old daughter is here' (my brother is an invisible, not been seen or heard of for coming up 2 years) she looked at me quite shocked and said 'I don't have a daughter, I have a son!', I replied 'I'm your daughter, Hayley', 'I don't know who you are' she said, 'your very kind, but your not family, it's not the same'..........I smiled, nodded and left it at that whilst something inside me broke a little bit more.....later the same evening, out of the blue, she turned to me and said 'What would I ever do without you?' I don't know if she remembered I was her daughter again at that point, I'd like to think so, mostly she knows who I am, but it comes and goes.

Take care of you
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,161
Scotland
@Hayley JS that is a good description of how it happens. For a moment they can’t make sense of who is who but then it comes back. It is so hard not to be hurt but we have to remember that the real person is still in there with real feelings. It seems that it all just disappears little by little.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,569
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi @Angtrog ,
I am so sorry for you and can only imagine how sad and shocked you are.

I for one had a different experience. I was relieved when my husband didn't recognize me because I thought it would make it less painful for him when it is time for him to be moved to a care home.
I am sort of relieved also when he says his home, where he has been living for fifteen years , is not his.
I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced similar feelings.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
220
About a year ago, my husband told me that his wife had left, gone to her sister’s and taken his money with her!! Then a few weeks later, he told me she had died. That remains the state of affairs. He is happy that I have slotted into her place! He sometimes asks my name, have I been married, did I work. He shows me photos of him and his wife, but always says she is dead. Even with more recent photos he will laugh if I say that is me!!
it was strange at first, and I was very upset around our wedding anniversary this year, but somehow you just have to accept it, and go along with the story. The funniest one is that last year i bought a new vacuum cleaner. Every time I get it out, I hear that his wife bought it and then she disappeared. I just say that I’m glad she didn’t take the cleaner with her because it’s good!!!!
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
747
It is so sad and bizarre isn't it?
My Mum thought my Dad was a stranger who had "taken her in". When I said "No Mum, he is your Husband" (in the early days, before I knew better), she said "Oh no, I would never marry him, he's awful".
We never spoke of it again. I think she liked me, but didn't really know who I was. I took it as a good day, towards the end, if she was happy to see me.
I cannot imagine what it is like for one's partner to say that. So hard.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
I remember my mum saying to me What will you do when he doesnt know who you are anymore? Well that day has come OH said to me at teatime so who are you then when I said its the wife he said I seem to recognise you but Im not sure. Dont know how Im really feeling at the moment shocked and numb but i knew one day it would happen. Where do we go from here I ask myself? Two strangers living in a house he doesnt know who I am and I feel as if I am losing him day by day. Damn dementia!!!
My lack of recognition happened halfway down the M5 when Bridget pointed to my wedding ring and said “ what’s that”. I explain it’s my wedding ring and she said no more. Next morning she aggressively wouldn’t let me touch “his things”, couldn’t get dressed in ”his clothes”, i mean, i just lost it completely and collapsed in our bedroom with upset knowing that this had finally happened.

Then on 4 occasions she made me visit the hospital looking for “her husband“ while i trailed behind her. Looked in sheds, round the streets, different rooms. She asked me “ where do you live”.

Now i’m just someone she considers a little special. It’s grim, isn’t it, that special person who loved you and you loved back with all the intimacy of a couple, now gone along with the thousands of memories. Yes, damn dementia
 

big l

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
53
About a year ago, my husband told me that his wife had left, gone to her sister’s and taken his money with her!! Then a few weeks later, he told me she had died. That remains the state of affairs. He is happy that I have slotted into her place! He sometimes asks my name, have I been married, did I work. He shows me photos of him and his wife, but always says she is dead. Even with more recent photos he will laugh if I say that is me!!
it was strange at first, and I was very upset around our wedding anniversary this year, but somehow you just have to accept it, and go along with the story. The funniest one is that last year i bought a new vacuum cleaner. Every time I get it out, I hear that his wife bought it and then she disappeared. I just say that I’m glad she didn’t take the cleaner with her because it’s good!!!!
Dear Vitesse you made me smile then laugh over such a very sad thing. I hope I have your stoicism when my turn comes to be forgotten.
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
358
Hi @Angtrog ,
I am so sorry for you and can only imagine how sad and shocked you are.

I for one had a different experience. I was relieved when my husband didn't recognize me because I thought it would make it less painful for him when it is time for him to be moved to a care home.
I am sort of relieved also when he says his home, where he has been living for fifteen years , is not his.
I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced similar feelings.
My husband as some thought of me as his girl friend from 41 year ago asking me to go out with him and have kids with .witch sad as its like he forgot the 3kids .then he called me a care and said his wife will be back soon so i have to go (is wife is one of the cares )and he always wonts to go home we lived here 26 year .but is home is where he was born and lived there till he married me when he was 37 .i was told its cause he felt save there as his mum /dad kept him save .