Hubbie passed away. Do I tell Mum?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by willbstanton, May 6, 2015.

  1. willbstanton

    willbstanton Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    4
    Bournemouth Dorset
    My Father in law just passed away. He was in another care home as he didn't have ( much) dementia.
    Mum is full on advanced Lewy bodies in care. When should I tell her if at all?
     
  2. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    182
    Sorry, I'm a tad confused, is it her husband that has died? If so, it all depends if you think she would remember but I don't really think there is any point in upsetting her needlessly, x
     
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Hello.
    Speaking personally , I wouldn't tell her.
    When my mum was in mid/late stages , the last thing we wanted was mum to be distressed , so we never told her when her last and favourite brother died.
     
  4. willbstanton

    willbstanton Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    4
    Bournemouth Dorset
    Thanks for your interest

    Hi Opaline & others
    It is her husband who is my father in law who just passed away.
    The care home are saying that she has begun asking if she can call him and she seems to have an awareness even though she has not been told!
    I have heard that dementia is associated with certain parts of the brain becoming dis functional.the brain being as it is can then divert activity to locations that function ie left brain side intuition so she now has a perception the her husband has died before anyone has told her!
    Is this sort of thing being documented?
    It borders on parapsychology.
    Should I get a psychic involved?
    Your comments are much appreciated.
    I return to the UK next week and Will Tell her and take her to the funeral as I think right now that this would be the most appropriate and respectful thing to do as her only child.
     
  5. willbstanton

    willbstanton Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    4
    Bournemouth Dorset
    I did tell and we went to the funeral

    After just over a week had elapsed I took her for a stroll in her wheelchair with her grandson as well who was visiting. With blue skies and view of the sea I gave her the news.
    She was sad and said she would miss him even though he had only visited once this year. Following Monday I took her to the funeral and she was very reverent and cried a little. On the way home she said " he would have been proud of the service" a very lucid comment and totally appropriate.
    It was possibly harder to tell than not to.
    Who would benefit by not letting her know.
    She thanked me for telling her said what a terrible job for me!
    I feel I am respecting her more by telling the truth , as hurtful as it might be.
    Being so dependant and fraile it is hard to demand respect but she is aware when it is there and not there.
     
  6. CaringDaughter

    CaringDaughter Registered User

    Sep 22, 2013
    47
    Bravo.

    Well done, that was a difficult situation to deal with. I admire your bravery and am pleased for you that your Mum responded well.
     

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