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How?

Jean1234

Registered User
Mar 19, 2015
259
How do you stop yourself shouting back at them when they shout at you continually? I'm new to this and I'm struggling to keep calm and speak gently all the time. God knows how they manage it in care homes! I feel guilty when I know my OH can't help it and I lose it.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
ummmmmmmmmmmm that is a hard one - i'm not the person to ask lol as i find it soooooooooooooooo hard!!!! I'm good at walking away now and I'm getting better, much better but I really really found the compassionate communication useful
http://www.alz.org/greaterdallas/documents/CompassionateComm.pdf
others will be along soon with a more measured and helpful approach than mine xxxxxxxxxxxx thinking of you xx
 

josephinewilson

Registered User
May 19, 2015
112
Lancashire
My mother has dementia and I sometimes feel really ratty and irritated by her - when she repeats herself every thirty seconds or when (in another thread) she behaves like a naughty toddler or sulky teenager and I really want to get annoyed and say For F*** SAKE!!
But I don't -although I do confess to being a bit curt in my replies sometimes. I don't think she realises.
What can we do? It's not their fault. I find it frustrating because when my children behaved like this I could reprimand them and teach them to improve - and they improved, learned and grew up. My mother is never going to improve and it is never going to get better.

PS - I just read that link http://www.alz.org/greaterdallas/documents/CompassionateComm.pdf from Fizzie and it is very good - thankyou!
 
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Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
564
Scotland
It's not easy to stay calm all the time and I'm sure all of us "slip up" at times so you are not alone Jean.

You ask how they manage it in care homes - well of course in care homes they are paid care workers who, at the end of their shift, return to their normal life. Good care workers are worth their weight in gold
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,174
Yorkshire
Hi Jean1234
I decided I had an imaginary switch that if turned on turned me into 'robot' me.
The robot had a fixed smile, and a distance from what was going on - robot didn't have feelings so was in neutral mode and had no need or inclination to respond emotionally, robot just got on with what needed to be done. Robot had hearing circuits that filtered out what didn't need to be heard, so didn't respond, or if robot did then the response was automatic and repetitive and short and neutral (remember robot is smiling).
You get the idea.
Don't get me wrong - I wasn't in robot mode most of the time, just when I needed that switch to take me away. It meant that I didn't get so uptight - it kind of gave me permission not to be emotional, not to have to engage with dad's outbursts (included getting guilty for whatever!).
I also would leave the room and do a chore, make a cuppa, have a game of patience, go out into the garden ... just for a while.
And, I have a song that I sing in my head if all gets too much, or I have to do a nasty task (a clean up ... ). No-one knows I'm singing it so no-one knows I'm not paying full attention. I find if I'm singing it in my head, it calms me down, distracts me just enough from what's going on and the words give me good advice. My song is a hymn but it could be anything eg Let it be by Beatles, These boots are made for walkin', What a wonderful world ....
Now I'm wondering whether I should post this - the 'robot' sounds a bit weird??? :eek:
 

Jean1234

Registered User
Mar 19, 2015
259
Glad you did post.

Hi Jean1234
I decided I had an imaginary switch that if turned on turned me into 'robot' me.
The robot had a fixed smile, and a distance from what was going on - robot didn't have feelings so was in neutral mode and had no need or inclination to respond emotionally, robot just got on with what needed to be done. Robot had hearing circuits that filtered out what didn't need to be heard, so didn't respond, or if robot did then the response was automatic and repetitive and short and neutral (remember robot is smiling).
You get the idea.
Don't get me wrong - I wasn't in robot mode most of the time, just when I needed that switch to take me away. It meant that I didn't get so uptight - it kind of gave me permission not to be emotional, not to have to engage with dad's outbursts (included getting guilty for whatever!).
I also would leave the room and do a chore, make a cuppa, have a game of patience, go out into the garden ... just for a while.
And, I have a song that I sing in my head if all gets too much, or I have to do a nasty task (a clean up ... ). No-one knows I'm singing it so no-one knows I'm not paying full attention. I find if I'm singing it in my head, it calms me down, distracts me just enough from what's going on and the words give me good advice. My song is a hymn but it could be anything eg Let it be by Beatles, These boots are made for walkin', What a wonderful world ....
Now I'm wondering whether I should post this - the 'robot' sounds a bit weird??? :eek:
A switch turning you into something else so you don't take it personally seems a good idea. And a song in your head is better than counting to ten. Must find myself one that is uplifting. Any suggestions folks? One that would jolly us along at times when needed?
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
And, I have a song that I sing in my head if all gets too much, or I have to do a nasty task (a clean up ... ). No-one knows I'm singing it so no-one knows I'm not paying full attention. I find if I'm singing it in my head, it calms me down, distracts me just enough from what's going on and the words give me good advice. My song is a hymn but it could be anything eg Let it be by Beatles, These boots are made for walkin', What a wonderful world ....
Now I'm wondering whether I should post this - the 'robot' sounds a bit weird??? :eek:[/QUOTE]

I love this Shedrech, the ditty that makes it a wonderful world xxxxx thank you for sharing x
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello Jean1234 before my hubby went into a CH, l put loud music on always music that my hubby liked it did calm him down, in the CH they have lots of music and singing, thats what they do, as they have to manage 42 of them, give it a try, it also helped me as music does make you feel happy. ☺