Hello Beverly and everyone else,
I've been reading and following the messages on the thread.
I lost my nan and an aunty to stroke-induced VD, and gramps to dementia. Since then another aunt and uncle as well, but not to dementia or AD. I think my grieving process started when they were all still here...and I was often in the "I can't believe this is happening" stage. Not so much numbness, but denial. Then again, not denial all the time. I had visits when I felt I coped ok, could "accept" they were ill, not going to get better, and die of it eventually. Making the most of the days that were there. Enjoying the lucid moments, the smiles, the flickers of recognition, the trips into the past, the return of pressure when a hand was held.
I thought I was prepared when they eventually passed away....boy, was I wrong....with nan it took me about 3 years till it didnt hurt so much any more that she wasn't here. Now there is still sadness that she's missed and is missing out on so many things that have happened. With gramps and my aunty it's all still a bit raw, even though the 12 month mark has passed and I've done all the anniversaries, birthdays, CHristmases, special events without them once now. Still hurts. Still have days when I wake up with that tight feeling in my chest that won't shift all day. Still think of the hospital visits and the time of the illness, but think of the good times as well. No anger or guilt (well, not much, or not any more), just still that "I can't believe they're not here" feeling, and sadness. Deep, deep sadness. Tears come frequently, but smiles are there too. And in trying to do what I think they'd want me to, and in remembering them and talking about them, laughing about the jokes we've all heard so many times before, thinking about holidays and special times, they are still very much part of my life and influence what I do and how I do it.
Should add maybe that I was never a full-time carer and I am based outside the UK as well, so I think during the illnesses, the distance also played a role...I often had the "I wish I were closer" situation...guilt, yes, but often just the overwhelming desire to be there, to be able to visit, to share with the rest of the family, to provide some relief for those of us who did the main caring bit. And the last few times i've been back in the UK, it's hit me over and over again that gramps and my aunts and uncle are not there...WIth being in another country, and with always having had that physical distance between us, I was used to only seeing the family every 10 or 12 weeks. It's not that I doN't think of them or don't miss them when I'm not in the UK, but it's a different kind of missing....I miss hearing their voices on the phone, I miss the regular contact, I miss getting cards and letters in the post.
Ramble, ramble, ramble...wishing you all strength on the journey and a bit of peace of mind and many smiles, laughs adn lots of sunshine.
All the best, Tina