1. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Cathy,
    You`ve been a regular member of TP since 2006 and only now have you been able to share your story.
    Thank you for that. I do hope it has helped. We have no idea of the suffering our members have endured until they are ready to tell us.
    It`s good to hear how helpful conselling has been for you. I hope others take note.
    Love xx
  2. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Keep talking!!

    :) Hello Cathy..I can really identify with your post..I took time off work almost 4 years ago to look after my dad at home until he died..he had pancreatic cancer..since then I've had a series of family problems..including my husband being diagnosed with AD/VAD.
    Like you I had counselling last year which helped enormously..
    Now I've left work after reducing my hours again and again..so I'm alone caring for Eric(my husband)..and the family problems haven't gone away.
    Counselling..and the skills I learnt from it..has helped..
    I also have friends who are supportive..but often feel I only offload onto them.

    TP is the only place I feel I can talk frankly..without judgement..and be myself! Like many others it would seem !!

    Nobody can know until they have it staring them in the face!

    We support each other..Love Gigi xx
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Cathy and Gigi

    Thank you both for sharing your stories. I know how hard that must have been. It's good that you trust us enough to share your feelings, and I hope TP can give you the support and friendship you need.

    Counselling does work, but it can sometimes take a while to get it on the NHS, and it's too expensive for many people to have private sesions. It's well worth asking the GP for a course, but if there's a long wait, it's also worth trying the voluntary organisations such as Samaritans, Cruse and Relate.

  4. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Thank you all again. I can't get the hang of that multi quote thing:rolleyes: or I would have picked out all your posts - but, please know I thank each one of you individually for your support. It is much appreciated.

    Right now, I am back working full time after having 8 weeks off settling Dad into his new routine with the carers popping in. I do work from home some days (as does my husband) to minimise the time Dad is alone.

    I did toy with the idea of quitting work, but to be honest at that time I think it would have been the worse thing I could have done. When I am at work, it gives me time to blot out my feelings. Of course I think of my Mum when I am working (and yes, I do go to the toilet and cry sometimes), and Dad is a dot on my screen as I watch the GPS tracker system he wears - but.. I seem to think of them, but not enter into the deep grief I feel at other times.

    What tends to happen is that I work all day, then cry in the car on the way home or when I get home, or often when I go to bed.

    I've got a demanding job and run a team of people (one who has mental health problems; he is bi-polar) which can be a challenge in itself.

    I have to grip onto my job for as long as I can, because I feel if I quit depression will swallow me up:(

    I know the time will come when Dad will deteriorate, but hopefully by then I will have come to terms with the loss of wonderful Mum.

    I take onboard your advice, and I will seek some counselling if these dark moments don't lessen.

    Thank you all again, and thank you for sharing your stories too.

    Hugs to you all.

    Beverley xx
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Beverley, you've done the right thing going back to work. You should keep it up for as long as possible -- or at least until the stress of going to work outweighs the stress of being at home all day with your dad.

    It's a fine line, but I think you need the company at the moment. Please keep in touch with us, we need to know how you are getting on.

  6. nickyd

    nickyd Registered User

    Oct 20, 2007
    Hope you're ok?
    I agree with Hazel, you should keep working.
    You, yourself will know if it's too much for you!!
    It's only been 8 weeks since you lost your wonderful Mum, it's no time.
    You're going to be feeling all sorts of emotions,
    Yes.. you will feel like you are going mad at times.
    But, like I've said to you before, it's completely normal.

    I was told by a few people if you're still feeling completely griefstricken, after 4 months then seek help..
    I am still completely devastated, but I have turned a corner, and for that I'm beating myself up.. You can't win!!

    Anyway Hun, you know where I am,
    Sending you a virtual Bombay Sapphire...
    Take care & Lots of Love,
  7. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    Hello Beverly and everyone else,

    I've been reading and following the messages on the thread.

    I lost my nan and an aunty to stroke-induced VD, and gramps to dementia. Since then another aunt and uncle as well, but not to dementia or AD. I think my grieving process started when they were all still here...and I was often in the "I can't believe this is happening" stage. Not so much numbness, but denial. Then again, not denial all the time. I had visits when I felt I coped ok, could "accept" they were ill, not going to get better, and die of it eventually. Making the most of the days that were there. Enjoying the lucid moments, the smiles, the flickers of recognition, the trips into the past, the return of pressure when a hand was held.

    I thought I was prepared when they eventually passed away....boy, was I wrong....with nan it took me about 3 years till it didnt hurt so much any more that she wasn't here. Now there is still sadness that she's missed and is missing out on so many things that have happened. With gramps and my aunty it's all still a bit raw, even though the 12 month mark has passed and I've done all the anniversaries, birthdays, CHristmases, special events without them once now. Still hurts. Still have days when I wake up with that tight feeling in my chest that won't shift all day. Still think of the hospital visits and the time of the illness, but think of the good times as well. No anger or guilt (well, not much, or not any more), just still that "I can't believe they're not here" feeling, and sadness. Deep, deep sadness. Tears come frequently, but smiles are there too. And in trying to do what I think they'd want me to, and in remembering them and talking about them, laughing about the jokes we've all heard so many times before, thinking about holidays and special times, they are still very much part of my life and influence what I do and how I do it.

    Should add maybe that I was never a full-time carer and I am based outside the UK as well, so I think during the illnesses, the distance also played a role...I often had the "I wish I were closer" situation...guilt, yes, but often just the overwhelming desire to be there, to be able to visit, to share with the rest of the family, to provide some relief for those of us who did the main caring bit. And the last few times i've been back in the UK, it's hit me over and over again that gramps and my aunts and uncle are not there...WIth being in another country, and with always having had that physical distance between us, I was used to only seeing the family every 10 or 12 weeks. It's not that I doN't think of them or don't miss them when I'm not in the UK, but it's a different kind of missing....I miss hearing their voices on the phone, I miss the regular contact, I miss getting cards and letters in the post.

    Ramble, ramble, ramble...wishing you all strength on the journey and a bit of peace of mind and many smiles, laughs adn lots of sunshine.

    All the best, Tina
  8. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    They are still in your heart

    They are there, memories.
    Love barb
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Nicky, I'm afraid I can't agree with that. You can't put a timetable on grief, and it's completely normal to grieve for years for someone you love.

    Of course, if you're not able to function at all, then you do need help, but most people will start to live again eventually, though it will take longer for some than for others.

    Gradually you'll allow yourself some pleasure, and yes, you will feel guilty that you're enjoying yourself. Please don't beat yourself up. It's normal. Gradually the good days will happen more often, and though your loved one will always be there in a corner of your mind, you'll accept that they want you to be happy, nd they'll become part of that happiness.

    It's not easy, I know. I still grieve for my daughter, who died at Easter, 27 years ago. But it does get better with time.

    Love and hugs,
  10. nickyd

    nickyd Registered User

    Oct 20, 2007
    Well, I didn't say I agreed with that, either.
    It was just that when I was at the stage Beverley is at, I saw a councellor(sp)they said if I was still feeling the way I did after 4 months, I should perhaps think about getting more help, I felt I couldn't function and was just distraught.
    Somehow.. I don't know how, I did get through that stage, but I am still devastated.
    Take care,
  11. ishard

    ishard Registered User

    Jul 10, 2007
    Yesterday, 21 March 2008, was the day I finally realised that my mum has a disease that is going to kill her, just the same as if she has cancer!!

    Oh Mum I love you and don’t want to lose you.

    I had been concentrating so hard on doing what’s best for her I hadn’t looked at the whole picture and I sit here now sobbing as Im typing at 4am.
  12. rhallacroz

    rhallacroz Registered User

    Sep 24, 2007
    We Are Here For You

    Dear Ishard
    Sometimes the reality of this disease just hits us in the face. I think because the journey is so hard and probably reading all the posts on TP we realize the enormity of peoples situations. All we can do is Thank God for the day and try and see the sun shine in each new day. There are good days and bad days and all the time we try and prepare ourselves for the end. Well we think we do.
    Probably yesterday Ishard you realized the end will come and the journey will probably be like most of ours on her. The main thing is that you get support your recognise that you are not island and that you must draw on all help. Take a good look at yourself and dont expect too much from yourself. We all think we can make it better and often in the process we neglect our own needs. Listen to me with 2 young children and trying to care for my dad who lives with mum only becuase I practically live there as well. He is on a hospital bed in the lounge and needs constant care is doubly incontinent can;t walk etc etc.
    I do know that we will get through. I remember a famous poem/prose.
    Footprints. I will try and post it here but basically I supose it is a religous poem and maybe if you don;t do religion it proably wont help but it talks about being carried it times of need. Maybe thats what we do on TP even if we don;t realzie it.
    Keep smiling and writing.
    Lots of love
    Angela x
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006

    Is this what you meant Angela?

    Dear Ishard,

    It is always in the early hours we come to the most daunting conclusions. I`m so sorry this realization your mother has a life threatening condition hit you so hard.

    I am not a believer but I find the words in the link strangely comforting. It is the concept of being carried when it`s too hard to go on, that helps.

    Whatever your belief, someone is always there to offer support and in my case it`s the membership of TP.

    With love xx
  14. Whiskas

    Whiskas Registered User

    Oct 17, 2006
    Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I can't get the hang of the multi quote thing either so you are not alone in that Beverley:eek:

    It is hard to open up but I know I'm with friends here on TP. I don't post much advice to anyone because I feel if I can't help myself how can I help anybody else

    I've had counselling through my GP but when he couldn't or wouldn't fund any more sessions he suggested MIND and I have been going there for over a year now. There is no charge and I can go for as long as I feel I need to go. My cousellor is absolutely brilliant. Hope others can be as lucky.

    Take care everybody and thanks for being there.

    Love Cathyxx
  15. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    hazel, when I started this post I had forgotten about your daughter.....sorry being a word that comes no where near what I mean to say.
    now I am counting my blessings

    I dont know how I would survive if that happened to me.
    but it happens to people every day.

    here is my beautiful daughter who I am lucky to have in my life.

    Attached Files:

  16. rhallacroz

    rhallacroz Registered User

    Sep 24, 2007
    Thats the one Sylvia

    Yes thats the one I am so glad you have been able to post it. I agree with you it doesn;t matter who carries us at these times as long as were not alone. We certainly aren;t on here. Thanks you one and all.
    Angela x
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    Jo, there's absolutely no need to apologise. Your daughter is beautiful, and so like you. Cherish her every day.

    Strangely, I can remember Katie without so much pain this year. I know I got through Mothering Sunday much better than usual, and today I'm not too bad.

    I can't really explain it, but the pain of seeing John so ill has taken away some of the other pain. Not that I don't still grieve, and think about her every day, but I'm at last remembering how lovely she was, rather than how much I miss her.

    As I said, I don't understand it myself. When Katie died, only four months after my first husband, illogically I turned my anger on him because he wasn't there to support me. With Katie, I've never felt any anger, just utter agony.

    What I'm trying to say is, there are no rules. Grief can go on for years, and can manifest itself in so many different ways. It's different for everyone, and we just have to learn to handle it in the best possible way for ourselves.

    I love the footsteps story too, and I do believe that I was carried for a while. I certainly couldn't have walked alone.

    Love to all, and especially to those who are grieving this weekend.
  18. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    when i said sorry, I meant about Katie.
    I understand about the pain of losing another ...kind of
    my mums AD has made me forget about losing my dear Dad
    but I shed a few tears for losing him this evening ....5 years on.
    but a child or spouse, I have yet to experience....maybe I never will..but I might.
    I said on another post that I am not scared...lies!
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Do you know, I believe we are all grieving, this and every weekend, this day and every day.

    Some are grieving for those they have lost and others are grieving for those we are losing.

    And some who have lost and are again losing have a double dose of grief.

    I wouldn`t want to minimise the devastation caused by the death of someone who is dearly loved, but grief is relative and attacks us at all levels of suffering.

    Love to all who are grieving, that is love to all on TP.
  20. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Such true words Sylvia:
    We all have our own way of coping with grief. We will all have a different timespan for grieving. Sometimes we are able to bury our grief because of the demands of our daily life.

    Some will suffer depression, some will need couselling, some will hide themselves in work etc. So it goes on.

    I will echo Sylvia again:

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