How to tell someone about a bereavement

[Singing Friend]

I have just heard that my mum's younger brother has died. He was considerably younger than she is (born as a late baby after my grandfather returned from the war!). She remembers him I think, but they haven't really been in touch other than Christmas cards for the last umpteen years, but he was still her baby brother.

I'm pretty sure we won't try to take her to the funeral which is likely to be a long way from where she lives anyway, but what experience do people have in sharing the news about the death of a close relative?

 

[Katrine]

I'm sorry to hear that your uncle has died. I didn't tell my mother when her brother died. She was beyond any concept of 'closure' by that stage. I don't think she ever thought about him, so it didn't seem wise to bring it up. We also didn't tell MIL when her ex-husband died, for similar reasons. You have to ask yourself, how will she benefit by being told?

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother had a brother and sister die. We didn't tell her about either, as we felt that it would only distress her and then she would forget.

At the very beginning of her illness when we were in the process of getting a diagnosis, she asked about my grandmother. In shock, I told her that Grandmother had died in 1970. She promptly burst into tears, saying "Why didn't anyone tell me?" This in spite of the fact that my mother and I were with my grandmother when she died.

So when my aunt died 2 years later, I saw no point in telling her.

 

[Witzend]

I did tell my mother that a sister of hers had died, but to be honest she was pretty bad by then and I knew she'd barely register it - or not at all - and would certainly not be distressed.

If it's going to cause any distress or agitation/confusion, and there's no real need, I don't think I'd bother telling a PWD about a bereavement. It's easy to feel that feel you ought to, because 'that's what one always does', but dementia does change the 'ought to' rules.

 

[DavidG]

Hiding the truth or 'lying with purpose'. The sense of loss will be real and it will be repeated rather than remembered each time the family members name is mentioned or the question is asked. You might feel bad for not saying anything (you shouldn't) be you feel feel worse if you tell and lots of questions and distress follows...several times

 

[TheBearsMummy]

My PWD attended her brother's funeral but has no memory of it.
The first time she asked why he hasn't visited her I made the newbie mistake of reminding her that he had died, this caused great upset and the endless why wasn't she told questions.
Now I deflect with saying he would love to visit if he could but it's such a long way for him to come and she is happy with that. Sometimes I have to embellish a little with vague suggestions that someone in the family has flu or is away on holiday and can't bring him to see her at the moment

 

[Singing Friend]

Thanks all. I've talked it over with one of my sisters who visits every week. She thinks she will tell her but not until we have a bit more information. I'm not sure, but I'm not going to get into an argument about it. As mum has so rarely seen him lately, and wouldn't expect to see him as he has often missed various events (he missed my father's funeral for example), I don't think it will be a long term worry for her. She'll forget. The funeral is likely to be at the other end of the country and I wouldn't take her or encourage anyone else to take her, so I'm hoping her sadness will be short-lived.

It really isn't easy all this, is it?!