How to tell my Mum she has Alzheimers?

[mushypeas]

Hi
My Mum was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment several years ago and 6 months ago it was confirmed she has Alzheimers. She is incredibly sensitive and hard on herself in any event and as her only family member there is only me to look after her. I made the decision not to tell Mum of her condition as I felt it would be very detrimental to her emotional and mental wellbeing. She has always been very sensitive about her memory loss and no matter how many times I tried to reframe it with her, is embarrassed and sees it as as a sort of deficit of her as a person. The consultant was on board with my views and at the test results meeting, agreed that if she didn't actually ask, What is wrong with me? (in which case of course we would have to say) instead we said, 'the tests show your memory has deteriorated, there are some tablets that will help things a little, would you like to take them? to which Mum agreed .

I appreciate some people may find this approach very concerning, but I am acting with the best of intentions for her and am doing what I feel is necessary in order to protect my Mum from emotional distress as I feel the news would floor her. Her best friend has Dementia too and she keeps telling me, as if it is the most terrible news in the world.

Anyway, my dilemma currently is that Mum knows there is something wrong as she is getting even more tearful than she usually is and gets really frustrated with herself and so at these times I feel I should tell her the diagnosis. I really don't know what to do for the best. She is taking Memantine, lives in sheltered accommodation and has a carer visiting daily as Mum can no longer put a meal together and would live on biscuits if left to her own devices. Showering is also assisted now. Her carer is a private one and doesn't wear a uniform, which I think is great as it removes the 'medical' notion and I think Mum sees her as a friend. Mum also takes a low dose of an anti-depressant and I am considering asking her GP if the dose should be increased if that will help with her general sense of wellbeing and to become less tearful and down on herself.

What are people's views about what I should do ie tell Mum or not and if so, how do I word it in a gentle way so as to cause less distress? Her best friend has taken her own diagnosis very well and even jokes about it so there may be something there whereby my Mum could see that for her friend, it is not the end of the world and so need not be for my Mum.

Thoughts from others who may have been in a similar predicament would be very much appreciated.

Thanks

 

[Jessbow]

I never did it- couldnt really see the point, she just didnt understand ''there is nothing wrong with me'' and the factthat your mm doesnt see her friend reflected in herself suggests she is beyond the understanding.

All i would say is '' its hard getting old, dont be so hard on yourself '' and leave it at that

 

[mushypeas]

Thanks so much. I thought I was doing the wrong thing by not telling her. I know there will be other views and possibly opposite ones, and that's ok. x

 

[Splashing About]

I wouldn’t feel bad about not telling her. Often Drs are reluctant to diagnose conditions because people deteriorate once they have a label...I.e. they live in accordance with their perception of the label. She obviously knows her memory is failing and this insight is depressing her.

I ponder getting dementia when I’m older and if I was your mother I’d probably feel more hurt by the fact that the consultant/GP talked to you and not me than the actual diagnosis. She’s aware of the diagnosis...because she’s experiencing it. Knowing I wasn’t included in the original conversation would really upset me.

I think this early stage is marked by depression as the person has insight. My mum moved through this into a stage where she just lived happily (totally confused but...) without any long term thoughts or stress.

 

[mushypeas]

Thanks you for your thoughts. It was me who asked the Consultant if we could try to skirt the diagnosis and he went along with the idea,, given I felt very strongly it would floor my Mum, so that is a decision I have to live with and yes, it does make me wonder if someone will do the same to me when I am older but that is a possibility I am willing to accept. It's helpful to know you Mum's depression lifted later. I think I am going to ask the GP to increase her anti-depressant dosage. She suffers from depression anyway. Thanks again

 

[Shedrech]

hi @mushypeas
you know your mum best so do what you honestly believe is best for her ...including not quite telling the whole truth or even fibbing
the consultant has effectively told her without using specific terms and she has accepted that without asking for any more information, so leave it at that
her friend is different ... we each deal with things in our own way, and you are looking out for your mum
definitely have a chat with her GP about her meds ... my guide with dad was to do anything in my power to have him as settled as possible for his own welfare

 

[Pete1]

Hi @mushypeas, I agree with @Shedrech you know your Mum best and you should go with your own instincts. What I would say, however, is even if you tell Mum it is likely that she won't remember and you will probably be in the dementia loop....'what's wrong with me...', My Mum was aware of the diagnosis as she received the letter, but as dementia progressed she couldn't remember and actually saying that she had dementia opened up a lot of upset for no benefit (I went down that route to start with), in the end I just used to say that she got in a pickle sometime but it was nothing to worry about - just providing reassurance really.

 

[canary]

I never told my mum either.
Some people with dementia are able to understand their problems and can take on board their diagnosis, but my mum could not. In the early stages when she was bothered by her memory I mentioned the possibility of dementia and she became very angry, so I never mentioned it again. By the time she got to diagnosis the doctor told her (very gently, but very definitely) that she had Alzheimers, but it just seemed to go over her head.
Mum did not believe that there was anything wrong with her, although she would admit that her memory "wasnt what it was", so I just referred to her "memory problem". I did not see any reason for reminding her, when it wouldnt change anything and would just upset her.