How to tell my mum about her dad and husband

Homerose

Registered User
Dec 8, 2014
12
0
Hi I'm new on here. 3 weeks ago my step dad was rushed into hospital with pneumonia. I initially took time off work to stay with my mum who has dementia (and is only 58) but have since been signed off sick as I've found it so upsetting. Her husband has been so up and down, at one point being given a couple of hours to live, then recovering and being discharged the following week. Unfortunately a few days later, Christmas Day morning, he was rushed back in and it doesn't look as if he's going to make it.
However whilst this was going on, my grandad, mums dad also got pneumonia and died. I didn't tell mum the first day as she had just gone into respite, at this point, expecting her husband home I planned to tell her once they'd both been settled back home a couple of days, given it was her birthday Tuesday, Christmas Eve Wednesday etc. However she's back in respite and as it's looking like my step dad won't make it I'm facing having to tell her that both her husband and dad have passed away. I have no idea how to do it. I'm at breaking point emotionally myself and find my mums depression and anxiety very difficult. At 58 she seems too young to be in a care home full time but has never lived alone. We have been waiting for social services to put care in place but due to no availability, respite was the only alternative.
Any suggestions about telling my mum about her dad, and possibly her husband. Tell her about both at the same time? One at a time? I'm completely unsure what to do and as an only child have no siblings to talk it through with.
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,032
0
Hi Homerose

I've no advice, I'm sure others will have but just wanted to say I'm sorry for the loss of your grandad and the situation you are in right now, everything at once:(

Keep posting, best wishes & support
Sue
 
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Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,679
0
Midlands
Gosh! how difficult a time you are having.

Could you take her to see her husband? would she absorb the fact that he's very poorly and the implications of that?
 

Homerose

Registered User
Dec 8, 2014
12
0
Thanks Jessbow. If he is still with us tomorrow I might. Problem is we've been here before, the first night he was admitted 3 weeks ago we were told he might go that night so we went in and visited, he started to improve day by day so kept visiting then on a routine visit took a turn for the worst and refused further treatment which is when we were told he'd be dead within a couple of hours. We stayed until the early hours and I got her to say her goodbyes, then 3 days later he was sat in his chair doing his crosswords! Hospital couldn't believe it, he came home, Xmas eve he was cooking a full Xmas dinner, 12 hours later he was on death's door again. It's been a complete roller coaster. I can't quite even get my head round it so it must be so hard for mum. Just don't know what to do for the best.


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Gigglemore

Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
526
0
British Isles
Sorry Homerose I have no advice to offer but just wanted to say how very sorry I am that you have lost your Grandad and are now facing such a difficult situation. I hope that your stepdad stabilises again.

What a truly dreadful Christmas you have had, I am glad your doctor has signed you off and hope that there is a good friend or another relative who can support you through this nightmare. Take care.
 

halojones

Registered User
May 7, 2014
438
0
Oh dear, your poor family, it must be awful for you...Firstly I don't think you can say your step dad has passed, as he could once again recover, so I would just wait and see...I would gently tell your mum about your grandad, none of this is going to be easy for any of you, I am so sorry for you all...Let's hope and pray your step dad gets over the pneumonia.... Try and get some help and support from the services, I know its the holiday time, but there are some services available... I can only offer sympathy and hugs at this sad time xxx
 

Fred Flintstone

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
133
0
S. E. England
Thanks Jessbow. If he is still with us tomorrow I might. Problem is we've been here before, the first night he was admitted 3 weeks ago we were told he might go that night so we went in and visited, he started to improve day by day so kept visiting then on a routine visit took a turn for the worst and refused further treatment which is when we were told he'd be dead within a couple of hours. We stayed until the early hours and I got her to say her goodbyes, then 3 days later he was sat in his chair doing his crosswords! Hospital couldn't believe it, he came home, Xmas eve he was cooking a full Xmas dinner, 12 hours later he was on death's door again. It's been a complete roller coaster. I can't quite even get my head round it so it must be so hard for mum. Just don't know what to do for the best.

And your mother's only fifty-eight. Blimey! I don't know what to say, except that it must be appalling for you right now. I can't possibly offer advice, but here are a few thoughts.

I have been told of some people with dementia, who each and every time they hear of the death of a loved one, re-live the experience of hearing of the death for the first time. This must be agonizing to witness, I'm sure, and repeatedly horrible for sick person who has been left behind.

After my grandmother's sudden death, her sister was never told of it, and her daughter (my mother's first cousin) used to pretend that she was still sending good wishes, small presents and so on. This was on advice from her doctor, and later care home staff. Until not long before, their houses had been quite close to each other, and they had been very close.

I don't think you can make a decision about until there is more certainty about the outcome of your step father's illness.

Not knowing the date of your grandfather's death, I wonder about his funeral arrangements.
 

Homerose

Registered User
Dec 8, 2014
12
0
Thanks everyone. I decided to tell mum that her dad had died today after warning the manager of the home where she is staying (which is amazing by the way, mum used to work there until recently so quite bizarre). Mum took it very well but I wonder if it will hit her harder over the next few days. The manager relayed a conversation she'd had with mum this evening where mum had told her that her dad had died. Mum told her she was happy because he was in heaven with her mum now and that they loved each other. In some ways this in the dementia, mum was always an aethiest! I guess her easy acceptance of the concept of heaven is actually one blessing to come from the dementia. X


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