How to tell mum she's going into a care home?

[DunWell]

Hi all,
My lovely 90 yr old MIL has deteriorated rapidly in the last month and we've now had to take the difficult decision to move her into a nursing home. She only moved into her beautiful assisted living apartment 6 months ago and we all hoped that this would be her last move. The process of buying the apartment took over 6 months so she hasn't had much time there. However on speaking to the manager and carers yesterday, it's clear that she isn't coping, is very unhappy and is much more poorly than we all we expected her to be at this time. She's suddenly become very demanding, quite rude is wandering and doesn't understand that the carers and other residents aren't her personal servants, at her beck & call 24/7!
She's always said she didn't want to go into a nursing home and we always have said we'd try and prevent unless until it became absolutely necessary. We've made it clear we couldn't promise anything more than that. Well, it is now necessary for her safety and well-being.
We've spoken to the nursing home and although there isn't a vacancy at the moment she's going to be priority 1 for the next space. We'll be paying the fees so we haven't got to wait for funding, which means she could be offered a space in the next few weeks.
How have others broached this subject with your loved ones? We need to be kind and sympathetic but at the same time have control of the situation. We love her dearly and she will be devastated but we really feel we have no other option at this stage. We'd also rather be prepared rather than everything becoming an emergency and us not being able to find a suitable accommodation for her. What's the kindest way to explain to her that this is necessary without it ending up in a battle of negotiations?
Any ideas gratefully received!

 

[canary]

Im afraid that any way you tell her is likely to be very upsetting for her and she may completely refuse to go. The kindest thing is to use "love lies" - eg - shes going on holiday to a lovely hotel where the staff will wait on her hand and food. I also wouldnt tell her till that morning, so that she doesnt have time to get stressed and dig her heels in. If you organise it with the staff, so that they know your ploy they may be happy to produce tea and cake when she arrives.

Also, dont let her see you pack her case - do it when she is not around, or get someone to take her out somewhere so that you can label and pack enough to last her a few days. If necessary come back and do this after you have dropped her off. You can label and pack the rest in a more leisurely fashion. Once you have unpacked take the case away.

 

[DunWell]

Hi Canary,

Yes, thanks for your suggestions. My husband & I have discussed love lies. She'll know she's not going on holiday but we may have to say that she's being moved temporarily as the lifts are being replaced or her flat needs urgent repairs.
We'd like to give her the opportunity to say goodbye to her new friends and the carers at her assisted living place but it may not be possible.

 

[Frank24]

I tortured myself with this. In the end I told Mum we were going out to lunch x This will feel horrible but no way would my mum have been able to comprehend this at this stage. It’s a compromise but I feel I did the best thing at the right time in hindsight… the trouble is this is a progressive disease. Try and get her settled now and I really wouldn’t explain to much. Temp stay in respite! It feels very unfair doing this but it’s kinder and the most practical thing xxx

 

[Bracks48]

My mum went into care on Tuesday. I explained to her that the stairs were a concern and that she would have people to chat to and things going on rather than just carers going in and not having time to chat. She ended up in hospital on Friday last as she had delirium and was a falls risk. When I went to pick her up from hospital on the Tuesday I said remember you are not going home she had obviously retained the information I had given her as she replied “I know I’m going to a care home”. I have had sleepless nights for weeks worried about when the time would come for her to go into long term care. However, she went to care home on Tuesday by Wednesday she was in the care home lounge jointing in the entertainment and the video posted on the care home social media page was just beautiful she was singing and joining in - she honestly looked the happiest I had seen her in a long time. I hope it all works out for you. I know it’s early days for my mum but I honestly think I have made the right decision.

 

[Frank24]

My mum went into care on Tuesday. I explained to her that the stairs were a concern and that she would have people to chat to and things going on rather than just carers going in and not having time to chat. She ended up in hospital on Friday last as she had delirium and was a falls risk. When I went to pick her up from hospital on the Tuesday I said remember you are not going home she had obviously retained the information I had given her as she replied “I know I’m going to a care home”. I have had sleepless nights for weeks worried about when the time would come for her to go into long term care. However, she went to care home on Tuesday by Wednesday she was in the care home lounge jointing in the entertainment and the video posted on the care home social media page was just beautiful she was singing and joining in - she honestly looked the happiest I had seen her in a long time. I hope it all works out for you. I know it’s early days for my mum but I honestly think I have made the right decision.

Well done. You 100 per cent have xx

 

[Bracks48]

Well done. You 100 per cent have xx

Thanks @Frank24 x

 

[DunWell]

Thanks all.
Well today's the day my MIL moves.
We found a wonderful care home quite close to us so she's moving nearly 100 miles. She'll be leaving her friends and home town but we felt and she agreed, that being closer to us is more important.
In the end we simply stated the facts and she was very accepting (and unless reminded has forgotten about it most days this week.) Being close to us, her only relatives was the clincher. This means we can now visit several times a week instead of having a 3 hr drive each way every week. Onwards and upwards!

 

[Izzy]

I hope all goes well for you and your MIL today @DunWell.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Wishing you and your mum well with the move today.

Honestly - I think you will breathe a huge sigh of relief to know she is close by and you can visit often.

 

[Sarasa]

Hope it all goes well with the move @DunWell and MiL settles into her new home. Being nearby will be so good for all of you.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

A big move for your mother and your @DunWell but it will be so much easier for you to visit.

 

[DunWell]

It was our first visit today. The staff suggested giving her a few days to settle in before we saw her. It was a bit strange not contacting her for 2 days but also a relief to be able to do so, knowing she was safe in caring hands. We have had several phone updates from the staff though.
She was very quiet, quite confused and I think having a bit of a sulk. We treated her the same as usual and she gradually warmed up. At one point she was a bit rude and abrupt with one of the staff and apparently that's quite common - it's so unlike her 'normal' self that it's made me realise how much she's changed in the last few weeks. It's so out of character that I was shocked.
She's still refusing to engage with other residents but is communicating with staff when they engage with her first.

 

[canary]

When OH has something like a doctors appointment that means getting him up and dressed by a certain time, the travel, the upset routine, new people etc etc It takes him nearly a week to recover, and your mum is more advanced than OH. It will take her a few weeks to settle, but it does honestly sound to me as though its going pretty well.