How to stop PWD from cooking

[UncleZen]

Preparing the evening meal is becoming a daily flash point.
The pwd does weird things, like;
- adding cold water to hot gravy and tells me with utter belief that it makes the gravy hotter
- cleaning up greasy pots in cold water without washing up liquid
- adds salt to potatoes and beans the forgets she's added salt, then adds more salt
The thing is she forgets what meal is being prepared then makes it up as she goes.
If confronted, its "I've been cooking for 40 years, I know what I'm doing"
Something needs to be done but I needs some pointers in the best way to tactically and practically approach this.

 

[Sherma77]

I wish I had some advice but I live under similar circumstances. I haven't come up with anything that helps. Unless you can take over the cooking. Except I'm the wife with dementia married to a guy who also has it but is not diagnosed! Our kids and his friend & I "have diagnosed" him! He does his own cooking and I do mine unless it is roast of chicken that we share, then I fix it. He doesn't use dish detergent either. I won't let anyone eat out of our dishes unless washing them. He doesn't want me to do any housecleaning because it has to be his way and I've always done it my way. He spits on the floor to mop the floor! Done this for 10 years - not always but enough of the time. For 15 years he occasionally stops at green lights instead of red! This too is less than it was. He doesn't want me driving but our kids (ages 53-46) say that I drive better than dad. We've been married 54 yrs. I hope you find some help, here and I may try it myself!!

 

[sunshine chrissy]

Preparing the evening meal is becoming a daily flash point.
The pwd does weird things, like;
- adding cold water to hot gravy and tells me with utter belief that it makes the gravy hotter
- cleaning up greasy pots in cold water without washing up liquid
- adds salt to potatoes and beans the forgets she's added salt, then adds more salt
The thing is she forgets what meal is being prepared then makes it up as she goes.
If confronted, its "I've been cooking for 40 years, I know what I'm doing"
Something needs to be done but I needs some pointers in the best way to tactically and practically approach this.

Oh this sounds familiar! I do all the cooking now as OH has forgotten how to use the cooker.He insists on doing the washing up and sometimes just puts the dirty pans back in the cupboard without washing them at all! He often just runs the plates under the cold tap so I then do them all again when he's not looking.Twice this week he's made me a cup of tea with cold water looking all pleased with himself,I could cry for him and shout at him,it's so hard.

 

[Cazcaz]

Problems with cooking/dishes were our first sign something wasn’t right with mum. She would cook every day since she married, before I was born, (40 ish years) unless it was a roast or a BBQ then dad would do it. It’s just how it was. Then mum started doing odd things like not turning the oven on or emptying a dirty dishwasher that had not been run yet. The excuse was always the same “I was just about to turn the oven on” or “ im putting the stuff from the dishwasher in the cupboard so I can clean the dishwasher, you can’t wash dishes in a dirty dish washer”. But if not challenged she would just finish putting dinner in or emptying the dishwasher and go and watch tv or something.

We managed to stop the cooking issue by switching the electricity off at the cooker‘s isolation switch (most kitchens have a switch just controlling the electricity supply to the oven only) then hiding the matches/lighter for our gas hob (our cooker was a little old and the ignition button didn’t work luckily). Then it was “oh, you need to turn the oven on” (wait for the standard excuse) but when she tried to turn it on “the oven isn’t working? Really????“ followed by “Oh well I guess we will have to have take away tonight” or “I will try to get it working” (use some kind of distraction so she doesn’t see the oven being turned on at the switch) “oh it’s working now, might be a bit dangerous if the electricity keeps cutting out. No, no it’s not safe. You go in the front keep an eye on the kids/pets. If anything happens I will yell”. If she came back, Keep the act up of feeling in danger of this oven with a dodgy electricity supply. We did this so often it became the normal for dad to cook. Thus it turned into mum saying “no, I’m not cooking tonight, your dad is, like normal”.

The dishwasher was similar, switch of the electricity at the wall.

Could you try using covid as an excuse to “sanitise” the dishes. Maybe even using hand sanitizer you had previously filled with dish soap.

 

[Cazcaz]

Or try to blame someone else eg a family member for these horrible dirty dishes in the cupboard. Have the PWD write a big sign and stick it to the door saying “will anyone puts dirty dishes in here please run them under hot water and use dish soap first”. Then point out their own sign each time.

 

[canary]

OH used to do the cooking, but gradually he would start later and everything took so much longer because he was having trouble working ot what to do. I used to go into the kitchen and casually stir something, or ask what I could do to help. Gradually I did more and more until he wasnt doing any of it.

I never found signs worked. At one point he printed out signs on his computer and I laminated them, but he didnt take any notice of them. If I pointed them out to him he always had an excuse and also denied that it was him that had done the signs - it was me who did them because I was trying him look bad.?

 

[Cazcaz]

OH used to do the cooking, but gradually he would start later and everything took so much longer because he was having trouble working ot what to do. I used to go into the kitchen and casually stir something, or ask what I could do to help. Gradually I did more and more until he wasnt doing any of it.

I never found signs worked. At one point he printed out signs on his computer and I laminated them, but he didnt take any notice of them. If I pointed them out to him he always had an excuse and also denied that it was him that had done the signs - it was me who did them because I was trying him look bad.?

This is why we got mum (the PWD) to do signs. Her handwriting is very distinctive. We never needed to do if for dishes. But other things.

like you could use it for doing laundry, getting the PWD to write a sign which is attached just above the laundry basket saying something like “can whoever is muddling up wash loads please remember….light goes with light, dark goes with dark.”

worked a treat with mum on so many things.

 

[Lynmax]

You can also get a gas safety valve fitted free by your gas supplier to stop the supply to the cooker. They have a special key to unlock it before the gas can be turned on. It’s not provided by your energy supplier but by the company that supplies the gas in the pipelines eg Cadent in the NW region.

 

[Lawson58]

My husband is vegetarian which was a bit difficult in the early years but now there are so many prepared meals available it’s much better and easier.

I do the shopping so I tend to buy things that go in the oven or microwave and not on the stove top. I am usually around when he is cooking so I quietly turn the oven down when he is not looking. My problem with the microwave is that we sometimes end up with pasta sauce splattered all over the interior.

We had a similar problem to others with dishes not being washed properly but I bought a new dishwasher and he, being on the lazy side, is content to let me stack it because in his words, I do it better than he does.

He doesn’t tend to notice if anything is a bit grotty which I believe is convenient for him. We used to have tea dribbled all the way down the hallway as he would run to the study, cup in hand, back to his online bridge game. The computer and keyboard were disgusting, spots of tea on the screen and sticky fluff everywhere else. He would also spill it down cupboard doors and over bench tops.

He was having a few problems with fluid retention which was bad for his heart failure so his GP told him to only have 2 cups of tea a day instead of 8 and to reduce his fluids. It has made quite a difference to the tea stains on the floor.

No constructive advice, sorry.