My mum has been diagnosed with dementia. The exact type is still to be determined but rather than memory issues it is currently manifesting as mainly confusion and poor processing skills. She was told her diagnosis but is in complete denial and the diagnosis has not been mentioned again. She blames my sister and I for taking her to the memory clinic and "not sticking up for her to that horrid doctor". She is also lonely, depressed and anxious and weeps daily and has made veiled allusions to suicide. We have tried to support her, she comes to my house everyday for tea, my sister takes her out regularly but still we are not "good daughters". Attempts to alleviate her loneliness by organising visits to groups etc , getting her visitors at home are rebuffed. Every day is now a strain with the tears and the shouting and we are all miserable. I feel increasingly alienated from my mum due to the stress and this is not helping. I feel either angry, anxious or guilty in an unpleasant carousel of negative emotions. How best can I help my mum and let her find some happiness? How do you force someone to accept help against their wishes and should we just force her to acknowledge the problems in her life are being caused by her dementia?
How to help someone who refuses help?
- Thread starter Redlib
- Start date
You won't force your mum to accept help or force her to accept the diagnosis. I'm afraid that is all part and parcel of the disease. I'm sure there will be others along shortly to give you far more advice and and are more experienced in his matters than me.
There are however a number of practical things you can think about such as power of attorney any allowances your mother may be due and whether a care package would be suitable. You don't say what the circumstances are where your mother is living but you do need to think about your own health and welfare in the future. What you will find that is that you will eventually gradually have to take control of a situation. I'm sure others can give you more valuable advice.
Short answer is, you can't, but it does sound like your mother may be depressed - a big part of dementia. Without discussing the 'd' word with her, would she be willing to visit her gp to talk about this? Strongly suggest that if you do convince her of this, then go to appointment with her.
Redlib, sorry to hear your mum has dementia.
I know that when my mother was diagnosed (she has Alzheimer's and no short term memory) I found that trying to understand dementia and learn about it was a really steep learning curve for me. I hadn't had much prior experience and thought it was just when you had memory problems. As I'm sure you're finding out, dementia is not just about memory problems. There are many different types of dementia and they can present differently.
There is some good general information here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20007/types_of_dementia/1/what_is_dementia
And lots of good information over on the Alzhiemer's Society website you may find helpful.
You likely cannot force your mother to accept her diagnosis, or even that there is anything wrong with her. Many people with dementia also have a condition called anosognosia, which means their brains are not capable of processing the information that they have an illness. They literally cannot comprehend, or understand, there is anything wrong with them. Asking someone with this kind of neurological impairment to accept that impairment, is like asking someone with a broken leg to hop down the street on that leg. It won't work; their leg is broken. Dementia can cause the reasoning part of your brain to "be broken" and no amount of logic or discussion will change that, I'm afraid. It was one of the parts of my mother's dementia that was so very difficult for me to grasp at first and it certainly caused no end of frustration for us both.
I'm really sorry that you and your sister are getting the blame. I'm afraid this is also very common in PWDs (persons with dementia); it's usually the persons doing the most caregiving and helping who get the blame for everything, and not uncommonly, a lot of abuse (verbal and even physical) as well. I know that telling you this doesn't change anything, but you're not alone.
There are, as you say, not a lot of choices. You can step back (for your own sanity) and wait for a crisis, or you can go ahead and put care in place.
If you have not sorted out Powers of Attorney (both financial and Health and Welfare), that is something to do ASAP.
Others here in the UK can offer better advice on how to get PoA and also what route to take, to access services (the Local Authority, Social Services, et cetera).
It does sound as if your mother would benefit from increased care, but that doesn't mean YOU have to be the one to supply it. Again, it depends on what is in her area, but some ideas include day care, lunch clubs, sheltered accommodation, extra sheltered accommodation, maybe some respite in a care home while you figure out options, carers coming in, hire a cleaner/gardener, sitters or befrienders, you get the idea.
I know that my mother, pre diagnosis, suffered from crippling, horrific anxiety and possibly depression. We tried all manner of medications and interventions but nothing worked. I know now, that the dementia was the real problem--that and the fact that she couldn't take her medications properly (and ended up in a mess because of that issue). What she needed to not feel anxious was 1) to be relieved of the responsibility of trying to look after herself, because she just couldn't any longer and 2) to have 24/7 companionship and supervision.
I'm not saying your mother is at that stage, just that we often hear reports of a person with dementia having bad anxiety, depression, expressions of suicidal thoughts or wanting to die, and it's often because of the dementia.
I am sorry you are feeling upset, guilty, and alienated and that you are not a "good daughter." I would point out that you are clearly a caring person who is very concerned for her mother's well being, which makes you a good person in my book. I do understand the guilt, and think all of us here on TP know about that (we call it the "Guilt Monster" and advise you poke it hard in the eye with a pointy stick). But I also want to say that you are not the bad guy, no matter what your mother says. The enemy is dementia, not you.
You might have a look in your area for support groups and carers' cafes and the like. I love TP and it has been a life saver, but my support group is also helpful and I couldn't cope without it. It can be a great resource. The Alzheimer's Society and/or Age UK may be able to point you in the right direction: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20011/find_support_near_you#!/search
And don't hesitate to call the Alzheimer's Society and Age UK helplines for advice.
Very best wishes to you and your family.
I know that when my mother was diagnosed (she has Alzheimer's and no short term memory) I found that trying to understand dementia and learn about it was a really steep learning curve for me. I hadn't had much prior experience and thought it was just when you had memory problems. As I'm sure you're finding out, dementia is not just about memory problems. There are many different types of dementia and they can present differently.
There is some good general information here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20007/types_of_dementia/1/what_is_dementia
And lots of good information over on the Alzhiemer's Society website you may find helpful.
You likely cannot force your mother to accept her diagnosis, or even that there is anything wrong with her. Many people with dementia also have a condition called anosognosia, which means their brains are not capable of processing the information that they have an illness. They literally cannot comprehend, or understand, there is anything wrong with them. Asking someone with this kind of neurological impairment to accept that impairment, is like asking someone with a broken leg to hop down the street on that leg. It won't work; their leg is broken. Dementia can cause the reasoning part of your brain to "be broken" and no amount of logic or discussion will change that, I'm afraid. It was one of the parts of my mother's dementia that was so very difficult for me to grasp at first and it certainly caused no end of frustration for us both.
I'm really sorry that you and your sister are getting the blame. I'm afraid this is also very common in PWDs (persons with dementia); it's usually the persons doing the most caregiving and helping who get the blame for everything, and not uncommonly, a lot of abuse (verbal and even physical) as well. I know that telling you this doesn't change anything, but you're not alone.
There are, as you say, not a lot of choices. You can step back (for your own sanity) and wait for a crisis, or you can go ahead and put care in place.
If you have not sorted out Powers of Attorney (both financial and Health and Welfare), that is something to do ASAP.
Others here in the UK can offer better advice on how to get PoA and also what route to take, to access services (the Local Authority, Social Services, et cetera).
It does sound as if your mother would benefit from increased care, but that doesn't mean YOU have to be the one to supply it. Again, it depends on what is in her area, but some ideas include day care, lunch clubs, sheltered accommodation, extra sheltered accommodation, maybe some respite in a care home while you figure out options, carers coming in, hire a cleaner/gardener, sitters or befrienders, you get the idea.
I know that my mother, pre diagnosis, suffered from crippling, horrific anxiety and possibly depression. We tried all manner of medications and interventions but nothing worked. I know now, that the dementia was the real problem--that and the fact that she couldn't take her medications properly (and ended up in a mess because of that issue). What she needed to not feel anxious was 1) to be relieved of the responsibility of trying to look after herself, because she just couldn't any longer and 2) to have 24/7 companionship and supervision.
I'm not saying your mother is at that stage, just that we often hear reports of a person with dementia having bad anxiety, depression, expressions of suicidal thoughts or wanting to die, and it's often because of the dementia.
I am sorry you are feeling upset, guilty, and alienated and that you are not a "good daughter." I would point out that you are clearly a caring person who is very concerned for her mother's well being, which makes you a good person in my book. I do understand the guilt, and think all of us here on TP know about that (we call it the "Guilt Monster" and advise you poke it hard in the eye with a pointy stick). But I also want to say that you are not the bad guy, no matter what your mother says. The enemy is dementia, not you.
You might have a look in your area for support groups and carers' cafes and the like. I love TP and it has been a life saver, but my support group is also helpful and I couldn't cope without it. It can be a great resource. The Alzheimer's Society and/or Age UK may be able to point you in the right direction: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20011/find_support_near_you#!/search
And don't hesitate to call the Alzheimer's Society and Age UK helplines for advice.
Very best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you all for your kind replies. Thankfully we got POA sorted out and I have started the process of filling out the attendance allowance form. My sister thinks we should tell mum about her dementia and so your replies about why it is a bad idea were very useful. I think we still have expectations of rationality from mum and it is hard to let go of them. I think the saddest thing about this is that I feel I am forgetting who my mum really is. It is a cruel disease - when she is being unreasonable and extremely needy I feel angry and trapped and can hardly bear to be in her company and when she is more normal I just feel like weeping at the indignity and tragedy ahead of her.
I have nothing to add to Amy's excellent reply except this link to an article about compassionate communication:
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
When mum was recently diagnosed she used to say 'they say I've got alzheimers apparently, but they don't know what they're talking about'
Thankyou for that link for compassionate communication. My dad bless him spends most of the time quizzing her about what she ate and then asking her if she can remember, followed by frequently telling her 'you know that's not true'
I will print it out in big for him.
Thankyou for that link for compassionate communication. My dad bless him spends most of the time quizzing her about what she ate and then asking her if she can remember, followed by frequently telling her 'you know that's not true'
I will print it out in big for him.
Amy's suggestions are excellent. I am quite new to all this but learning fast in supporting husband with mum in law. Often best to take more of a counselling approach, acknowledging how she must be feeling and going from there. Avoid interrogation and testing the memory, to preserve your own sanity. Need to be in the moment as she is, accept things as they are and show kindness. Even in the bad times my MIL can appreciate kind acts...while factual information has gone, her memory of who has been good to her and who has let her down over the years remains fully lucid.
My son has been excellent with her and we have learned much from his calm approach. Find someone with right attitude in your circle who can give you the support you need to come through this intact!
You are not alone believe me, and this forum is excellent!
My son has been excellent with her and we have learned much from his calm approach. Find someone with right attitude in your circle who can give you the support you need to come through this intact!
You are not alone believe me, and this forum is excellent!
