How to help DH

[littlerose12345]

I hope this I the correct place to post. I have found the "I care for someone with dementia" area so helpful so hoping for some advice here.

My MIL with dementia who lives with us took a steep decline over the last few months with increased agitation, delirium and aggression which we could no longer cope with. Especially with us both working from home, with two young children and the place we took her to day care refusing have her anymore.

To cut a long story short we got social services involved and they helped find a respite home for her for 4 weeks whilst we work out a plan. I can't see us being able to have her back to be honest but the reason I'm posting is my DH.

He is (was) so close to his mum and although he knows its the right decision for her and us all, he is struggling with feelings of guilt and failure for not being able to do more for her
How do I help him with this?

 

[Violet Jane]

Guilt comes with the territory but it's misplaced. You had your MIL living with you until it become impossible. It would not be fair on your young children to subject them to the later stages of dementia which can be shocking and frightening. Your MIL has had a long life and your children's young lives need to take priority now.

Sometimes, guilt is actually sadness at what dementia has robbed the loved one of and at having to making decisions which feel uncomfortable because they are not what the loved one wants. Decisions which are painful can still be the right ones.

 

[MartinWL]

What does DH mean?

 

[canary]

What does DH mean?

DH=Dear Husband
It tends to be used more on forums like Mumsnet

 

[canary]

As Violet said - guilt comes with a care home, even though there is no reason to feel guilty. I remember your previous posts and you really had gone above and beyond to keep her at home. Moving into a care home is a huge signpost spotlighting the decline and many people struggle with the thought that if only they had done something different then the outcome would have been different too. All nonsense, of course - there is nothing that you can do to prevent or slow down dementia. Just reassure your husband that none of it is his fault and she will be well looked after. Then give it time for him to adjust too.

 

[littlerose12345]

Thank you for your replies (apologies for the DH Dear husband abbreviation..force of habit!)

Husband is currently with mother in law in hospital as she had a fall (was apparently pushed by another resident ?
She's only been in the respite for one week, how has this happened?!?
They have x-rayed her hip so waiting on the results now but she's saying she doesn't want to go back. This is so hard ?

 

[canary]

Oh no!
Maybe look for a different care home.
Use the time that she is in hospital to plan what to do. but dont be guilt tripped into bringing her home as a knee jerk reaction.

 

[littlerose12345]

Thanks Canary.
Just had the x-ray results and her hip is fractured ? so suspect she will be in hospital for a bit.

 

[canary]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))