1. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    Hi everyone. Just looking for abit of guidance. My grandad is in the later stages and my nan is his carer, they’re both 85. My nan is really struggling to cope as he’s getting worse, but won’t accept any help. I help as much as I can and take them shopping etc when I’m not working. How can I get her to seek more help? She admits it’s probably best he’s in a home now as he’s become incontinent and sometimes violent. However she refuses an assessment as she doesn’t agree with having to pay as they’ve worked all their lives. I really don’t know what to do, as there is help out there e.g she could get a carer in but she says she doesn’t want anybody in her home. It’s really put a strain on our relationship and I just don’t know what to do. My mum lives 2 hours away, her son hasn’t been round in months so it’s just me to try and help. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Sorry long post!
     
  2. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,863
    Call social services & ask for an assessment to be done.

    my Mum & Dad were in this position, so Dad has savings of under £12k &Mum under £21k

    as dementia is diagnosed attendance allowance is given, pension credits, & council tax discounts. I don’t know if your Gran has filled in the forms. Age concern can come out& fill in attendance allowance to help getting the ball rolling. Mum wouldn’t let me help until last year when it all got to much - lots of back payments & paperwork so worthwhile
     
  3. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    Thanks so much for your reply! No she’s not filled out any forms as she doesn’t want anybody “knowing her business” They don’t have a social worker, they did have a mental health nurse who used to go round then discharged him? It’s so hard to try and help when she won’t accept it. I work full time and I’m a single parent with a son, I’ve offered to change my job find something part time so I can help her more as she won’t have carers In etc, but she won’t allow that. I just feel so helpless :( It’s like a lot of the time she feels he does things on purpose, like she can’t accept that it’s dementia?
     
  4. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    778
    Female
    cornwall
    It sounds like a crisis is waiting to happen.A lot of people don’t want others knowing their business but sometimes that has to go by the wayside.
    She really does need help and an assessment.
    If she refuses there is only so much you can do.
    It sounds like he needs to be in a home.Not an easy decision but a necessary one.
    Try and get her to get an assessment.
    Also LPOA for both (financial and health and Welfare.
     
  5. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    Thanks for your reply. Yes I totally agree! I hate the thought of him going in a home, but feel this is best as he’s getting worse and they’re both 85 years old. It’s too much for her to be doing alone, she’s a very proud woman though. I think I will just have to keep on at her until she accepts help is needed. I’m 32 and the only person in the family close by to help out. Their son hasn’t even contacted them in months, so all they have is me and sometimes I just feel so helpless. It’s so hard to see my grandad as we’re losing more of him week by week, but it’s also putting a strain on the relationship with my nan as she’s always so stressed and she doesn’t like when I suggest more help is needed. She’s done an amazing job but I feel there’s only so much you can do alone?
     
  6. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    778
    Female
    cornwall
    There is.Before long a crisis will happen.
    I care for my dad with the help of carers 4X a day (immobile and cannot walk without a gutter frame)

    Dad is going into respite on Wednesday as I have hit crisis.Dad has capacity and doesn’t want overnight care unless me.

    I managed to talk him into respite for 14 days if all goes well.
    Health and Welfare LPOA does not come into force until he lacks capacity...
    I have LPOA for financial as well.
    These really help if there is a problem..
    Good luck !
     
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,863
    I’ve been down the stubborn my way or no way route my Mum insisted upon. I’m afraid that a crisis had to happen before help was allowed over the threshold

    I became known as her up there... in *****
    A derogatory term mum felt I was interfering & became hostile towards me ( more so than usual!!)

    my advice though hard to take is be the granddaughter she wants you to be at this moment in time. Your Grans perception of life is different from yours, help when asked & offer but don’t give advice.

    ask if you can do anything as you are now? Ask if she would like to change anything, & tell her that if she decides she would like you to help to let you know.
    Mention in passing that someone could come & help wash your Grandad, don’t mention Social services, a social worker meant different things in their day.

    Age concern can visit to see if there is anything that can help financially & it’s a little step towards getting your Grandparents door open.

    also if your gran is religious the vicar could call & have a chat!

    believe me I’ve done it all!! even roped in Mums friends to mention the odd thing.

    It’s a drip .......drip technique but then Mum thinks it’s her idea & bingo ... !


    By being aware & a support you will slowly get there
    X
     
  8. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    Thanks guys. Just need to take each day at a time and continue best we can. Yes I’m definitely feeling the hostility! I appreciate your advice, and will put it to practise. So glad I came across this forum, it’s nice to be able to speak with people who are going or have been through the same. Dementia really is so heart breaking!
     
  9. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,863
    Oh bless you, it’s a dreadful disease that puts too much stress & pressure on those that care for PWD.
    The systems broken & yet no official body will stand up & tackle the ongoing issues.

    hopefully when Brexit is sorted out .....
     
  10. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    Yes I agree it’s ridiculous! The last time the mental health nurse went to visit she said to my nan that she thinks maybe he should be in a home now, as it’s a lot for my nan to cope with. Then the mental health nurse discharged him? Just praying for my nan to admit defeat and to let me call SS, it’s no life for her the immense stress she feels under. Seriously worry a break down isn’t far away, but my nan is old school so doesn’t want professional help.x
     
  11. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,863
    hope things are sorted out a little
    Xx
    You are so lovely for being their advocate
    Xx
     
  12. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    Thank you that’s so lovely. So after abit of perseverance she’s decided that him being in a home would be for the best not just for him but for herself too. Although this is the right thing to do, I can’t help but feel so sad at the thought of him going into a home when he has a home. Is it normal to feel like this way? Xx
     
  13. silkiest

    silkiest Registered User

    Feb 9, 2017
    80
    Of course it's normal. Feeling guilty is a big issue on this forum - is it the right time, could we have managed longer, is it the right home? You and your nan sound to have done the best you possibly could for the longest possible time and I congratulate you that you persevered for so long.
     
  14. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,681
    I had trouble persuading my Dad to apply for Attendance Allowance but when I explained to him that he had paid taxes all his life so that he could claim these benefits when he needed them he agreed to go ahead and claim. Age UK helped him with the forms.
     
  15. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    The feeling of guilt is tremendous, even though you know it is the right thing. It’s such an awful disease, glad to have found this forum as friends don’t understand because they’re not living it seeing someone they love disappear day by day. What is attendance allowance please? My grandad worked all his life so my nan is worried that because they have savings etc she will be expected to pay for his care in full and savings will only go so far. We’re currently waiting at the moment for the ball to start rolling properly eg visit from mental health, financial assessment.x
     
  16. Flavelle

    Flavelle Registered User

    Jun 20, 2017
    36
    Attendance allowance will give you/ them a smidgeon (eg. towards help with personal care costs.) You can spend it in any way but only get it if your pwd lives at home, there are both lower and higher levels of this and don’t be put off by the massive forms that arrive and need completing. TBH most of the answers will probs be: ‘have forgotten or don’t know’ This didn’t seem to be a problem. I have 2 riddled with dementia (Alzheimer’s and vascular/ mixed type) along with cancer and Parkinson’s, periodically one or the other takes a turn for the worse. Hospital stays have brought dramatic deterioration as well as diagnosis...though adding further to the list of ailments seem pointless. You don’t get attendance allowance if they stay in a hospital or rehab temporary care setting for over a month. Hope this helps
     
  17. Lea8

    Lea8 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2019
    11
    Thanks for your reply, it’s most helpful. Sending love and prayers to you and yours x
     
  18. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,863
    yes my lovely it is, & the fact that’s he’s safe 24/7 is of comfort. ((((((hugs))))))
     

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