how to handle this one...?

[Lola]

hello again.

Another crisis.

Last few times I saw my mother she was obsessed with either:

1 - she had killed me so who was "I", it can't be "me" as I'm dead, she killed me

2 - she wants to die. She wishes she was dead. She will be dead by next week.

3 - she is living in a concentration camp and all the people are nazi's, or out to get her.

4 - I have to go, I must leave immediately, because if I don't go right now, I will be shot, she says. She insists quite strongly I leave the building and go home straight away, and this is after being there for just 2 minutes. The carer's tell me she was ok until I arrived.

I want to see my mum tomorrow. But I've kinda lost the plot on how to stay calm and not get upset about any of the above. I feel sure one of the above will happen again tomorrow. The one I'm dreading the most is number 4 of the above. I think it would just truly upset me if when I get there she orders me to leave straight away.

Comments? Advice?

thank you

 

[Kayla]

Dear Lola,
My Mum had periods where she was actually reliving the Second World War and she would tell me to be careful, in case there was glass on the chair. She lived in London during the Blitz and her house suffered bomb damage, so this was a real memory for her. At other times she said fantastic things, which were unlikely to have happened to her and I think she may have been remembering a film or TV programme.
It is disturbing and it could be a sign that the medication needs reviewing.
I found that she'd be unsettled for several days and then become more lucid and normal. I found it hard to deal with, but now I'm glad I did go and visit her regularly because she had a heart attack and died suddenly last month.
Once she had settled in her Nursing Home, she seemed reasonably content and was just happily confused.
Kayla

 

[Áine]

I guess 1 and 3 are mum trying to make sense of her situation - why she's not experiencing you in quite the way she's always known you and why she's living in a place with lots of other people around.

when my dad was in a more chilled mood he'd be convinced that he was in an airport waiting lounge - because that's the only sense he could make of all the people sitting around not doing anything. Other times he'd also have the prisoner sort of idea. He'd be like you describe with mum - I'd be a couple of hours getting from work to see him and the minute I arrived he'd be looking around and saying that he thought the way was safe and i must get out now while i could etc. Thankfully he'd forget that after a bit, so if i nipped back out to the car for a few minutes i could go back in and it be ok. It used to upset me and frustrate me - on the other hand, I was very touched that despite the fact that he was so confused he was still doing his damnedest to care for me and make sure i was safe.

 

[Lola]

Dear Lola,
...but now I'm glad I did go and visit her regularly because she had a heart attack and died suddenly last month.
Once she had settled in her Nursing Home, she seemed reasonably content and was just happily confused.
Kayla

((((((((Kayla))))))))))) so sorry to read about your mum passing away, so very sorry. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Lola]

I guess 1 and 3 are mum trying to make sense of her situation - why she's not experiencing you in quite the way she's always known you and why she's living in a place with lots of other people around.

when my dad was in a more chilled mood he'd be convinced that he was in an airport waiting lounge - because that's the only sense he could make of all the people sitting around not doing anything. Other times he'd also have the prisoner sort of idea. He'd be like you describe with mum - I'd be a couple of hours getting from work to see him and the minute I arrived he'd be looking around and saying that he thought the way was safe and i must get out now while i could etc. Thankfully he'd forget that after a bit, so if i nipped back out to the car for a few minutes i could go back in and it be ok. It used to upset me and frustrate me - on the other hand, I was very touched that despite the fact that he was so confused he was still doing his damnedest to care for me and make sure i was safe.

tried that - leaving then coming back after a while, but she was still as distressed if not more that I hadn't yet gone, and became very agitated, upset, and demanding that I go now!

I can understand them trying to make sense of their situation, I often find myself analysing what my mum sometimes says in other situations and that helped me stay with her, but...

but it's when she gets stuck with number 4 and when I get stuck that it gets sticky.

I also think that I don't want number 4 to be the last thing spoken between my mother and I.

And I confess I can't cope emotionally with my mum shreaking at me to go immediately.




Because I have been with my mum in the last couple of years for a prolonged amount of time when she was in hospital, in casualty, with her shreaking at me, swearing at me, laying into me. I haven't got over those times. They still haunt me. I can't go through this again. Even when she's like this for just a couple of minutes I find myself falling apart emotionally again.

 

[Lola]

Dear Lola,
... It is disturbing and it could be a sign that the medication needs reviewing...
Kayla

the meds were recently increased, it has made no difference.



What if you know your mum hadn't experienced a war, hadn't seen anything on tv or read anything in the paper that triggered her thinking she was living in a concentration camp? How do you respond when she says such things?

 

[Áine]

And I confess I can't cope emotionally with my mum shreaking at me to go immediately.

I'm not surprised! It's not something any of us want to hear from a parent.

I don't have a solution for what to do about it.

One thought though about the last words ....... I know we tend to put a lot of store by them - but what matters more is all the words and the love we share before that point. "Bad" final words don't make it a bad relationship.

 

[Lola]

I'm not surprised! It's not something any of us want to hear from a parent.

I don't have a solution for what to do about it.

One thought though about the last words ....... I know we tend to put a lot of store by them - but what matters more is all the words and the love we share before that point. "Bad" final words don't make it a bad relationship.

that's true. That's something to hold on to.

Just want my mum to love me again, as my mum.