How to handle a confrontational sufferer

[seanpk]

When my mother inlaw (now deceased) had dementia she became very compliant, was happy to go along with our suggestions and decisions, 'managing' her was reasonably easy in that respect. Now my father inlaw (82yrs) has dementia (vascular) it has magnified his worst traits - he always was a traditional, domineering, middle class male.

He hasn't driven for 3 years but his car still sits in the drive and he still thinks he can and does drive it and this is a regular discussion and inevitably friction point. We need to sell his car (we have power of attorney) as ours (15yrs old and ready for the scrap heap) is no longer suitable for transporting him - bad hips.

But we cannot reason this decision with him so, do we sell it without his consent? deal with the fallout each time he realises it's no longer on his drive? tell him he sold it? generally use his condition to manipulate him and hope that, like many changes we've made, the issue fades with time?

The car needs to go - it's a regular upset for him as it defines his masculinity in an old fashioned way and we need the cash to get something reliable with high seats he can get in and out of. All the other changes have been reasonable easy - moving him closer to us, managing doctors, managing his finances, getting in carers - but this one is going to be a biggy because he literally feels life won't be worth living if he can't drive............even though he hasn't driven for 3 years!

Sorry to ramble, but any suggestions, experiences, advice gratefully received,

Cheers, Sean

 

[Catastrophe]

I suggest you just say its in the garage being fixed when he asks. It's tough but better in some ways.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I agree with @Catastrophe tell him it is at the garage being fixed. Just get rid of it and continue to tell him the same thing and eventually he may forget about it but be prepared it may take a while.

 

[jennifer1967]

has your F-i-L got a different type of dementia than your M-i-L had because this could explain the different behaviours. my husband has vascular dementia and although he has always been short-tempered and not easy to live with, its been exaggerated by the dementia. with some types, its predominantly memory but with vascular, it is more able the lack of logic and reasoning. i agree with the other posters in that you will need to tell him a few love lies rather than the truth. its in the garage for repairs, service etc and just keep repeating it. dont challenge his memory of thinking he has been driving but go along with it like a few not committal noises just to keep him happy.

 

[seanpk]

Update: ended up selling the car without his knowledge - for simplicity, sold it to a dealer who picked it up while he was out. Had a few 'where's my car?' comments initially - strangely not on his immediate return to the house - but with the line 'you sold it' and changing the subject quickly have had little trouble luckily!

 

[Cat27]

Thanks for the update @seanpk. I’m glad you managed to do it without too much upset.

 

[MartinWL]

I sold my father's car despite this opposition. He didn't have mental capacity to decide to keep it because he doesn't understand his diagnosis and is in denial. I have POA. Sparks flew but it was the right thing to do otherwise he might have driven it without license or insurance.

 

[MaNaAk]

I sold my father's car despite this opposition. He didn't have mental capacity to decide to keep it because he doesn't understand his diagnosis and is in denial. I have POA. Sparks flew but it was the right thing to do otherwise he might have driven it without license or insurance.

Or had an accident

MaNaAk

 

[Violet Jane]

There are some situations where you have to go ahead without the agreement of the PWD and that may require subterfuge and / or 'love lies'. Often a PWD will forget about something after a while when s/he no longer sees the object in question or the matter is no longer being discussed.