How to get your husband to Doctors for assessment

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Jean1234, Apr 11, 2015.

  1. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    242
    please can anyone advise me how I go about getting my husband to agree to going to see a Dr about his possible dementia. He is showing so many signs, losing things, having trouble finding the words he wants, putting things in strange places, unable to remember names and what he did earlier in the day or the day before. He gets cross so easily and puts down his memory loss and confusion to being tired. I would be grateful for any suggestions. I feel so alone sometimes and scared.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,499
    Female
    London
  3. Mibs

    Mibs Registered User

    May 26, 2014
    73
    Derbyshire
    Hi jean, good luck with this. We had to wait nearly two years until an infected toe nail forced my husband to visit the doctor.
    I worried how to broach the subject, but reasoned the doc would be able to spot something wasn't right, and, when the toe had been dealt with, the doctor asked me 'if there was anything else?'
    I handed him a list of my concerns with dementia coming last - and the rest, as they say, is history.
    I would write directly to your husband's doctor outlining your concerns. Or, if you have an appointment coming up, ask your husband to accompany you. Also, be aware that there are other conditions that mimic dementia, the doc will want to eliminate those first.
    Welcome to TP - you're amongst friends here
    Mxx
     
  4. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    When things started to get really bad, I wrote to our GP with specific examples of my OH's behaviour and asking for him to be called in for a 'routine' check up. It worked for him, probably as I had expressed my concerns to him previously but had been told that my OH would have to refer himself. Perhaps not all GPs would react in the some way but it might be worth a try.
     
  5. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello jean welcome to TP it was 5yrs before my hubby saw our Dr always denied having any problems said it was me, l knew l had to do something so went tto our Dr told her how my hubby was behaving, she wrote to him to say he needed a check up (MOT) he went she did a memory test, he was unable to do it, she refered him to the memory clinic, he wouldn't go, we went another year l was so worried and worn out, Dr made another appointment for memory clinic he went had brain scan, he was diagnosed with Alzheimers, go and ask your Dr to call him in for a check up, l wish you luck
     
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,602
    Female
    Scotland
    I am upfront about everything and so my approach was to tell my husband that nowadays there are drugs which can help slow down the rate of progress of memory loss. This meant that if he went to the doc with me now he might not get any worse. He went and was referred on to the Memory clinic and of course after a brain scan had AD. As luck would have it he was not suitable for the appropriate drugs and here we are two and a half years later dealing with it.

    Truth can be brutal but ultimately must be faced.
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,735
    Kent
    The truth is fine if it is seen as it is. When people are feeling really afraid of the truth. even though they know deep down something is wrong, or are in denial, it can be brutal.

    It`s why we must all deal with these issues on an individual basis using our knowledge of the person and our understanding of their fears.

    My husband found the term Alzheimer`s acceptable, even though he believed he could get better. If he hadn`t accepted Alzheimer`s I would have referred to his memory loss , which is what he thought Alzheimer`s was.
    I was happy to go along with this.

    If I had used the term Dementia, he would have become more paranoid and afraid than ever.

    I spared him as many details as possible
     
  8. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,459
    Ireland
    My husband was in complete and furious denial that anything was wrong with him - he would tell people that I was taking things and hiding them to make it look as if he was "losing his mind" or forgetting things, etc. He convinced himself of all sorts of, to him, "rational" explanations like that for what was happening with him. So I went to his GP myself, explained what was happening and his GP wrote to him and said that they were offering a free check-up to all over 70s, to make sure that they would remain in the best health possible for as long as possible - just so they could catch any possible upcoming problems in the earliest stages. The GP incorporated enough of the tests into an informal chat with my husband to see that there was cause for concern.

    The same GP enabled me to get Carer's Allowance. The forms had to be signed by my husband - the snag was that there was a Medical Assessment part to the form, which had to be signed by a GP, with the diagnosis on it. So the GP simply removed that part of the form, explained to my OH that this form would be a way for us to have some extra income now that he was getting older - that the Govt would give me an allowance so I could take a bit of extra care of him, etc. - OH signed his part of the form, the GP then put pack the medical section with the diagnosis in it, and sent it off!

    I do hope you can find such a sympathetic and helpful GP. I found it was best to be completely open and frank with them about things - this isn't the time for discretion. You need to let the doctor know exactly how things are.

    PS. My husband is now in the late stages of the disease and in a nursing home. He never acknowledge he had dementia, and the consultant that he finally started attending felt that he was so hostile to a diagnosis, it would not be good for him at that stage to tell him. So through the years, he has never been actually told that he has dementia. He knew of course. But he didn't wan't to be told.
     
  9. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,602
    Female
    Scotland
    Yes you are both right. We have to find the way that suits best even though the outcome is the same.

    God help us all!
     
  10. Asthoreen

    Asthoreen Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    6
    It took over a year to persuade my OH to see his Gp.She was useless,he denied everything once he got there and claimed hearing loss was his only problem.He did quite well on the memory test and came away even more convinced of a plot on my part.Over a year later,I accompanied him when he was to have tests for something else.The new young GP asked how his memory and hearing were, as she must have read through his notes.I jumped at the chance and told her everything and she repeated the memory test.Although the results were still only borderline they were worse than the previous test, so she referred him to the memory clinic and he was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimer's.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  11. tuffydawn

    tuffydawn Registered User

    Mar 30, 2015
    123
    I am so with you on this one i have battled with this for two years now and keep trying to suggest he gets his hip looked at as he walks with a shuffle lately (hoping doctor could pick up on other problems )but the shouting and temper i get as he says there is nothing wrong makes me realise that is not going to work any time soon my gp told me just wait for the one opportunity to get him to see me it is so hard as until some one can tell me what is happening i torture my self all day with it and struggle to even like him sometimes which makes me feel so bad but can not help it i really do feel for you try and keep smiling
     
  12. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,459
    Ireland
    Could you go a sideways route? Talk to a sympathetic GP first, and then make an appointment for yourself, and ask your husband to accompany you for your appointment, as you're a bit nervous, in case you might forget to mention something?
     
  13. doobedoo

    doobedoo Registered User

    Dec 4, 2014
    16
    Lincolnshire
    Just wanted to say I totally understand how hard it is for you. It took me 2 years to convince my husband he needed to see the GP. He kept telling me and my daughter he was slightly depressed, far too young at 60 and I was making a mountain out of a molehill. In the end I said ok lets go and you can prove me wrong and luckily for me it worked. I took a list of behaviour I had noticed to the GP and showed her my list. When he saw the memory nurse he told her he was just depressed but she assured him and me it was far more than that. He's finally been diagnosed with frontotemporal lobe dementia and seems to have accepted the diagnosis. It's been hard even though I knew something was wrong, so all I can do is wish you well and hope your husband will eventually go.
     
  14. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    242
    Thank you

    Thank you to all of you who answered my post. It has helped a great deal. It is also nice to find that I can chat to people regarding the different problems that might arise. Thank you again.
     

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