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How to get husband to allow me respite


New member
Sep 14, 2021
My husband has mixed dementia He is 89 I am 77 Although we have been married for30 years it has been unhappy due to his abusive and controlling manner I am suffering from depression and anxiety and am desperate for respite of any kind He refuses to give it to me I have begged for help but the only help I can be offered is medication for my mental state to help me to carry on caring for him. How do you persuade him to have residential care so I can begin to get better.


Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
Hi @E1gWd, do you have any outside agencies involved. If you don't it might be an idea to contact the Admiral Nurses helpline on 08008886678 - this is a specialist nursing service to support carers of people with dementia. They may be able to tell you about local services and give you some support.
If your husband has capacity and he refuses respite or any form of daycare maybe you could go out for the day yourself with relatives or friends to check in on him.
If you are self funding you can organise any care you think is helpful for you and your husband as you are paying for it. If you don't have the funds for this you could try contacting your local councils adult social care department and ask for a care assessment for him and tell them you are at "carer breakdown" and cannot cope.



Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
Perhaps you need to look at it differently. If he won’t go into care then you might arrange to go somewhere for a week and inform social services that he will be alone that week and they must provide care. This would be a courageous thing for you to do but you need consideration for your own welfare and frankly an unhappy marriage does not encourage much loyalty. Do not engage in discussions with him just do it.


Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
I agree with @marionq just go away for a nice holiday and inform social services beforehand, give them a couple of weeks notice then go. You can't carry on like this.