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How to explain respite to mum

Leswi

Registered User
Jul 13, 2014
120
Bedfordshire
Got 2 week respite agreed to give dad a break. How do we tell mum? She's got very advanced Alz and vascular dementia. Very delusional,hallucinations and no short term memory BUT does remember things sometimes. My gut instinct is to tell the truth but others say just take her and leave? I am happy to still visit her in respite cause I hope to calm her but others say best to leave her alone. The care home say it's up to me if I think visiting would be helpful to mum. Don't know what to do for best.
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,695
When mum went for respite I told her the truth, I also made her a calendar for the days she was away. It was put up on the wall where she was and mum could circle the days or the person who made sure she was settled for the night could mark the day off, the day she was due to come home was circled in red and made larger than the others, this seemed to help a lot.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,650
South coast
How do you think she will actually react? It would be nice if she could say she understands and is happy to give your dad a break, but really,would she turn round and flatly refuse to go?
Most of us have resorted to little white lies (or love lies) and have said things like - its a lovely hotel where they do everything for you - its a convalescent home - its a retreat -
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,796
England
Respite is given to give your Dad a rest so if you can manage to get him to rest, do something for himself and not visit or just a few short visits if he insists on going. You going will help him because he will know your Mum has not been left alone.

You could try telling your Mum that her doctor has requested she convalesce for a while to build her strength up and at the same time have a little holiday. Telling her it is because your Dad needs a rest might worry her, we know she will forget but she will remain anxious.

I hope it all goes well and your Mum and Dad benefit from the respite.
 

Leswi

Registered User
Jul 13, 2014
120
Bedfordshire
I don't think mum would want to go if given the option. I am going to the home today to talk things through. Mum doesn't think there is anything wrong with her but she might like the holiday idea.
 

Leswi

Registered User
Jul 13, 2014
120
Bedfordshire
We got her there but ...

We told mum she was going to have an assessment of her legs to get there. After a while we told her they wanted her to stay for a couple of days. Once reality hit she just wanted to go home. I hated leaving her there and dad said he was miserable without her! Don't suppose I will sleep much tonight. Feels like such a horrible thing to do to poor mum.
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,618
leicester
Dementia impinges on all the family, sometimes bending the truth is necessary to give the carers a break.. Don't beat yourself up, it is only two weeks and she will be safe and your Dad can top up his batteries!

Take care..
 

Raggedrobin

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1,427
It does feel horrible, but it is to give your Dad a rest so try not to feel bad. It will take her a few days to settle but she may do. VIsit as you feel fit, no one can tell you what is right on that one, you need to follow your instinct on whether it helps her to have contact or unsettles her more. It settled my Mum to be visited.